To help or be helped?

I once believed that I was one person that never would let my pride get in the way of anything.   That I tend towards being more humble,  but I have been really struggling with this one in the last year.   I think God is having the last laugh about this one…and trying to show me just how proud I truly was…but throwing me in the midst of some of my more recent adventures.   If I thought I was humble …I surely was way off base in this self assessment.   I definitely had hidden areas of pride that God felt it necessary to “call out”  from their dark hiding places and made known.     

I am talking about how I had always felt an understanding of sorts for those whom I have provided counseling…because I have been on the other side of this equation on a number of times.   They say a good therapist has to know what its like…and have dealt with their own crap.   Well…   I had dealt with bushels full of crap before making the decision to enter the field of Social Work.     I had sought counseling for this and felt I had addressed many of my own issues.    I probably had come a long way…but I know now…that I had so much more to deal with.      Pride is only the tip of the iceberg. 

Having worked in the Social Work field for a number of years,   in a variety of roles gave me some tools that I believed really helped me in a lot of ways when faced with learning that my eldest son was diagnosed with Autism.   I actually really fought …and was in denial in the beginning wholeheartedly because I had worked @ CPRI with children at that time that were considered “worst case scenerios” of this diagnosis.  Yes I was a great advocate,  and knew all the possible resources to make sure we were linked with.   I actually think at times I fought too strongly for things…that in the end were not that important…expended a lot of unnecessary  energy for the sake of fighting for what I felt was right.   This may not have been what was best for my son or my family.  

What I feel I have struggled with most is my internal navigating system that kept telling me that there were certain things I could not allow myself to do.   One of them was to accept help.   I in so many ways made it look on the surface that I didn’t need help…that things were ok….that things were just peachy keen when they truly were not.      I felt somehow if I told myself this …then eventually this would be so.  

Yes I accepted help in small ways,  we had the best of the best of services….and resources…but I am talking more about help for me. 

I avoided Family Support Groups like the plague…big mistake.   Though I could truly identify with these moms,  I felt afraid because I was a Social Worker of falling into the “helper role” and also afraid of running into potential future clients,  or past clients.   Definitely a pride issue.   I also think that part of me is still afraid that because I have accepted some of the help …that I really needed…the help of having my son in residential treatment.   The help of accepting that there are some things I cannot achieve on my own.  The help of accepting Social Work support,  and admitting that my relationships are not where , or what I had hoped and dreamed of for my family.  I feel at times because I have accepted this help…and admitted my shortcomings that somehow this will identify to potential future employers that I am “not OK’  and not a good candidate to work for this organization.   This wouldn’t be so painful for me, if I didn’t still have some desire deep down to end up working somewhere like CPRI in my future. 

This idea entered my head as I was wondering…why in my last blog I had avoided writing down CPRI as one of the options and one of my choices of where I would like to work as an Art Therapist one day. 

So these are some of the self defeating thoughts I have had to deal with over the last year.   I had to be challenged by one psychiatrist to “Get over it”  and still don’t think I am 100% over it.   He asked me if I could get over having a Social Worker I knew work with my family.  The reality was there was only one social worker @ CPRI that I did not know,  so I had little choice but to “get over it”.  

The Social worker that was assigned to work with my family just happened to have been a very close colleague I had respected over 9 years prior.   He actually was instrumental in getting me the job @ CPRI.  He gave his Program Manager my resume.  He highly recommended me and got me an interview.  I was fortunate to get into CPRI at the time, even though it was just a temporary contract.  This Program Manager fortunately didn’t follow all the Human Resource rules,  and I was hired during my interview.   He ended up being let go because he wasn’t a follower of all those rules.  

So I accepted this help…though it seemed a little uncomfortable.  Was it uncomfortable because I felt weird about having to ask for help…or because the person was a bit too close for comfort. 

I also have had challenges accepting the help of my most recent counselor.   I think the universe finds ways to amuse itself at times .   What are the chances that when you tell an EAP company there is a slight chance that you may know the counselor they refer you to,  because you are in the same field.  So they go out of their way to find a counselor from another community.   In doing so,  your counselor ends up being a Professor that taught you in your college days.    Fancy that!       I could have asked for another but challenged myself….that does it really matter who it is that is helping me.   I am the one that will make the difference as to whether things can change for me.   I have this power deep within and know it.    I need a guide along the way to help me,  and challenge me.   I believe now I need to be a little bit uncomfortable in my “own skin”  in order to ensure that change is going to happen.     This discomfort,  another name for fear used to make me run for the hills.   

So am I over it…well…I haven’t started running from these challenges yet.  

Do I think I will be less of a Social Worker,  or Art Therapist for that matter because of all of these struggles and because I have faced some of this head on.  Absolutely not.   I believe that I will be a stronger Therapist,  but need to be cautious and self aware of any transference these experiences may produce. 

The truth is...if I was never able to cross this bridge and allow myself to be helped...then how could I ever expect others to accept any help from me.   A paradox but a truth just the same.