Needing others is not weakness.. Wake up..: )

Needing others is not a weakness .. Wake up : ) “We need others. We need others to love and we need to be loved by them. There is no doubt that without it, we too, like the infant left alone, would cease to grow, cease to develop, choose madness and even death.” - Leo Buscaglia So as I Contemplate my heart.. I wonder at How I can have such strength and weakness all at the same time... How I can feel strong enough and brave enough at times to go it alone.. And to support and hold others up with this strength.. But to know deep down I have a heart that really needs to share the joys,  the passions, the laughter and the sorrows.    Everyone needs love. I contemplate this as a few fellows whom I consider to be friends have told me in the past few months how intimidating I can be.. What little ole me I say... I couldn't harm a fly..  One fellow told me it was because I seem to have it all together.. ,  i have a good job,  im taking good care of myself,  i have goals...  Whats so wrong with that.   Well in striving to better myself.. I want to be real.. And I most certainly am not perfect... I feel so Much better about myself than I ever have.. But could it be this new confidence that is keeping love at bay.  I believe that eventually it will lead me down the path to true love and happiness...could I be pushing some away with this confidence... Then they r likely not right for me at all.  : )  Saying I can do it on my own might be sending a message to some that they aren't wanted.. Or needed.. That couldn't be farther from the truth... Some guys need to feel wanted and needed..so the story goes... Others thus scares the he'll out of....  What some fail to understand is that just because i can do ok going it alone...  It could be so much better with mutual support and love.    How does one strike a balance... I am being honest when I say I want interdependence.. I think this is balance,  and the only true way to a healthy relationship... To love someone so much that you give them the freedom each of you need to grow and develop...  "don't smother each other,  no one can grow in the shade.  " Leo Bruscaglia  The only fellows more  recently showing any kind of balls about what they want,  are way too young..( or their heart belongs to someone else)   I seem to be a magnet for  graduate students.. But please.. 15 years younger is just way too young.. And to be realistic.. I know they really only could want one thing.. Yes i know im interesting.. That is a description i am quite familiar with.. Its come out of the mouth of these babes.. ( Pun intended lol ).. And others...   And well I want and need more than just sex...(. Don't get me wrong I love sex... But it is so much better on infinite levels....) Being considered interesting is nice but I need and deserve  more than to be a passing fancy.    I know i said I need my heart to be stronger and I thought maybe I needed to go it alone for a while.   Who r we trying to fool heRe.  I am strong and weak and I need people and support and love just as much as everyone else.  I feel really good about a decision I made this last week to support a friend who was going through a tough time,  even though it also hurts.., because it is someone that i thought I was over.. I think I was lying to myself a little.     Deep in my heart I still really would love to be with them,  no I could and would not be opportunistic  and tell them how i felt at a moment of weakness.. I only would want to be with them if they wanted to be with me... Not because of their heartbreak but because they really wanted to be with me..... I believe this showed great strength....I'm not totally there.. But hey.. Nobody wants perfection.. That'd be less than interesting lol.  I am happy for  them that they have found that mutual love and passion...and forgiveness...( at least part of me is anyways).   It gives me hope to find happiness ( and a little pain) in this.  I did say way back when that I am full if contradictions.. I think if u r really deep down honest with yourself... It would be difficult to not find these kind of contradictions when soul searching : ).  So let's end here with a quote here from Leo Bruscaglia...    Love is always open arms. If you close your arms about love you will find that you are left holding only yourself.  So arms wide open here into the great sea.. 

The passionate life... will not be left behind... I will not let it.. : )))

As soon as the love relationship does not lead me to me, as soon as I in a love relationship do not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true love. For real love is dedicated to continual becoming.

Leo Buscaglia

Well,  believe it or not...in this crazed week of graduations, dance recitals birthdays and sporting events...  I am still finding the time to try to be good to me.   I have spent a few wonderful lunchhours at my favourite spot,  the Mill Pond,  and I took my 6 year out for frozen yogurt at YoYos cafe.    I've been thinking about how I have committed to myself,  to not go into anything lightly... and to give of myself 100% for any potential relationship... to love.. to give freely, to be open even if it means I am more vulnerable to being hurt.  None of this means I am selfless... but there is a fineline.. and I believe I may have lost myself a little in my last relationship beginning because I lost sight of that.   This only proves to me I have more work to do,  to show myself kindness,  and love,  and maybe to be more nurturing to myself.     Friends have suggested that I put too much of myself into it...  and shouldn't..   I am a very passionate person,  and I can't imagine being any other way,  but realize this may scare the ""hell"  out of some.   I would like to believe it wont for the right person for me.  

Any relationship I may embark upon,   I believe I need to be strong going into it... so that whoever I am with... who hopefully be as equally strong.. so we can nurture and hold each other up .  

In the past,  I believe I was very giving in relationships,  but it came from a place of deep need,  and weakness...   and this only fosters a codependent  unhealthy relationship,  not an interdependent loving one.  

I've lived many years in a codependent relationship racked with guilt,  some of it self imposed,  and I made a devotion to myself that I would no longer do that to myself as it only fosters self hatred and resentment.  

I really so thought I cared for my new friend,  but found I could not bear the guilt the potential of our relationship would cost me.   Because I care so much,  this decision is still very painful for me,  especially because I have not received any feedback from them as to how they are feeling.  I've left the ball in their court to contact me,  but it isn't happening.   I felt they had made a similar decision maybe for different reasons,  but this is all speculation,,,..  and I would so love to continue our friendship and talk about this. 

As a result of all of this,  I have decided to just stay away from dating... well dating websites for a while,  as I for some reason deep down still yearn to be with my friend.  and need time to heal my heart.. because no relationship stands a chance until that work is done.... lol.   I can't explain it.   I really still want to be close to them and to be their friend,  even though I know there can likely be nothing else,  ... ( without devestating consequences for my own or that persons emotional well being/ health)   So did this relationship in anyway shape or form lead one another back to ourselves..   well..   I think there were some inherent problems / issues that sort of got in the way of that possibility.     One of them being fear... we know my thoughts on how damaging fear can be from previous blogs..  lets just not go there today...

So why is this so damn hard. 

1.     My belief in friendship..   I think men look at relationships quite differently,  but I do feel that if someone really diggs me enough they should want to spend time with me,  getting to know me,  for who I am better..  regardless of whether it can lead to deeper intimacy in the long run. 

Another quote to meditate on  " A single rose can be my garden.. a single friend my world. " - Leo Bruscaglia. 

2.   That there seems to be unfinished business ... lose ends   unresolved issues questions unanswered... maybe just for me... I'm not sure..

So why is it that well meaning friends sometimes believe that the solution to a broken heart is another man?  

I grew up believing that,  and think that is why I stayed in a unhealthy relationship for so long.   My mother left one unhealthy relationship,  for another,  much healthier one...but it was still racked with issues,   and she has never really been on her own... 

Maybe I feel I need to prove something,   I have only been separated for a year... maybe I need more time to build my own strength and belief in myself.  

I had a tempting offer this week to go out on the town with a friend,  and a chap that apparently finds me attractive.   I thought he too was cute,  but decided,  I just can't go there right now.   I definately was flattered,  but I had two offers this week,  and decided to go for the one that will nurture my soul.   My old friend from Sarnia was going to have a girls night in pamper night.   Unfortunately changed it to a girls night out,  but I think I will go there anyhow.   Afterall,   I'd already done backflips lol to switch nites with my x so I could have this Friday for me regardless.   After a week like this,  I really need it.   : ) 

Don't get me wrong,  just because I am being kind to me and my heart,  to give it the nurturance it needs does not mean I am cutting myself off from love,  to the contrary... I still plan to live a passion filled life,   there is a hell of alot more to leading a passionate life than sex,  however.. I'll be sure not to leave that stone unturned lol...  and will be ready for love when it comes and bites me on the ass..  lol.   

As Leo puts it  afterall  ....  " a life without passion is not living,  its merely existing.  "   

A life without passion is not living,  its merely existing. - Leo Bruscaglia

Blatant honesty.. Is it really my friend 2

Quote Rating   "If what you seek is Truth, there is one thing you must have above all else..an unremitting readiness to admit you may be wrong."  Anthony DeMelo So... I know its been so long since I've written anything here,... but I felt maybe it was time to check in to really see..  how is this dating thing working for you... lets be honest here.   In an effort to live more congruently,   I vowed I would try my best to have what I say do and think fall into similar lines...which to me means being honest... and really honest with not only myself but with others.   I think In doing so though in this dating world and realm..  it can be very scary indeed...  not only for me...  but for those I am being honest with.   Maybe I need to not give everyone too much insight into everything I am thinking and feeling... as maybe that could just be way too overwhelming for some.     There are some new inherent problems with the fast,  internet paced world of dating... that I really don't think or feel fit and have caused some issues.    I feel we so quickly,  without thinking will type,  and send an email or a note without really considering the full impact.   ..  and the time lines are never really true...  one never really knows when someone has read an email... well if they have BBM you do... but that is one of few ways.     I also feel there are so many miscommunications that happen via text and email...  so many levels that really cannot be read... unless having an actual conversation.  So in writing this...    I want to own responsibility for my part in this,  I am not saying its the internets fault at all...  it was only a tool I used,   and misused for communication.    I have also decided in all of this I really dislike the whole internet dating scene,    Plenty of Fish is one example.   For now I am going to try to stay a way for a while.   Here are some reasons.   I haven't really dated a whole lot since separating,   and before that I was married for almost 20 years.   Dating is a world I am not very familiar with,   I am a little niave to all of this.   I think it may be a good way to get to know someone,  and a good way to introduce oneself,  but it is quite superficial and I  believe it poses some inherent problems.   If you are dating,  and don't communicate up front any expectations around,  whether its to be exclusive... then ones profile may still be wide open ..  for those that want to keep their options open... this may not be a problem.   Where I believe a problem may crop up,  is if one person or another person in the dating dyad has expectations they have neglected to communicate for whatever reason.  In my personal situation,   I somehow became jealous because the person I was dating was on chatting with someone on POF.  There is a feature that lets one know if someone you have had a previous conversation with is on Chat or not.   This was extremely silly,  and a double standard because I was on POF chatting with someone else.   What my friend didn't know and wasn't communicated was my chatting was to let someone know clearly,  that though we had been writing to one another infrequently for about 2 months,  that I only wanted to be friends,  because it was all I could really handle at present.   The importance of being clearer in one's communications...   one can be honest... but make sure you are also clear.   lol.     Anyhow   I really believe  a combination of my silliness in this internet dating world,  and my quickness to just fire off an email response are really the reason that my new friend is now staying away.   Its too much information,  too quickly...  ( Such is the internet world)     I really wish I had taken my own advise about....  "Why is everyone in such a rush".   As a result,   I am now considering that maybe I really am not ready for dating...   and need to take a bit of a break...  I thought I had resolved many of my insecurities... but this realm has opened up some issues and I really feel I need to deal with them...   So I think its back to the counsellor I should go.   The other thing that has become so blatently apparent to me...  if I am being honest with myself as well.   That God really has a way to speak to one's heart loudly and clearly when the need arises.    I had been lying to myself feeling that maybe,  because I so loved spending time with this fellow,  and thought he enjoyed his time so equally with me that maybe the ends justified the means. ...   that we both I thought so wanted the same things...   it was so nice to share in this together....  so maybe it was okay to be selfish and want something...so much that I was willing to turn a blind eye to some things.    Well I ended up being faced by 2 situations at work last week in the course of 2 days that really spoke to me,   and showed me how much guilt I would feel,   if I chose to go down that path.   So much that I decided not to just go with the flow...  and sent another of those fired emails...  stating I couldn't live with that kind of guilt.   Some things are so much better said and left for a face to face or telephone conversation.   Yes,  it was how I was feeling...and I so felt I needed to express it... but it was expressed not within the context that it was meant to be or would have been natuarally... and as a result so many misinterpretations could have happened.   As you can tell... I think way too much for my own good sometimes.    I need to give other people the respect they deserve ,  the time they need in relationships ...  to Let go... and just be and enjoy.    So there were two other people that though I told them I only wanted to be friends for now,  continue to write me on POF.  Though I have hidden my profile,  because they favorited me,  they still can find my profile and message me.  I continue to get messages... but atleast they are few and far between and they understand and know that besides a friendly hello...  I really can't go there right now.   I will enjoy this time ... with my children this summer,   I have so much to do around my new home,  I have vacation time coming up ... so I plan to go camping with friends....  I have a very busy life.   While I do so want to share this passionate life with someone,   and at times I do feel lonely,   I really do enjoy spending time with myself,  being good to me... sometimes I lose sight of this in my silliness.    I also really enjoy spending time at home with the people I love,  but when my children aren't at my home,   it does feel pretty empty...so I tend to fill my schedule pretty quickly ....  I am going to make a concerted effort to spend more time to enjoy my new home and me in it : ) .   My friends told me to be very careful not to shut myself off too love...   I am not really doing that...   I'm just giving my heart the time it needs right now to readjust to my circumstances...   I want to be ready to embrace it and accept it  when it calls my name.... ..  So is blatent honesty  my friend...  well in the real world if the internet wasn't present I do believe honesty is the best policy.     I need to take things one step at a time though and not get ahead of myself with this.   One of my newest friends ,  any yes... they are just a friend on POF stated they thought I was the only real honest lady out there on POF,  I hope for mankinds sake... that is not the case,   this was in response to me saying I need time to heal my heart and I really can't date anyone for a bit,   I told them it would be my loss if they meet someone on here any we never do get a chance to meet,   I am not sure we can meet,  as I made it clear in the beginning long distance relationships I didn't feel could work for me given my circumstance.   Anyhow...  they insist on choosing to think it would be their loss... but I feel I made myself pretty clear .     So being honest...  yes can be my friend if I set boundaries around it....  and take it one step at a time breath deeply...  and for now just Be  and be will ofcourse to admit when I'm so wrong...  and sorry  : )))...  Reminder to self and others hearts... please listen to DeMelos wisdom.   : )))

Bedtime story with a twist.. : )

An odd bedtime story..

I make these up time to time to spur thought.. 



Once upon a time  there lived a dark prince whose wonder reached beyond senses... Beyond skies .. Beyond time... 

And this prince once met a princess... Who's mystery and whose sense... touch...And breathe... Whos passion could fill the skies..   But who insisted rigidly..  That she could only fill the skies upon midnite... But by dawn.... Would block the floodgates... 

The prince let loose the princess ... To wander the land in search for truth.. 

One dusk.. She crossed paths with a dove... the dove said to the princess... I can teach you peace and freedom...  Fly as I can fly... And you will know peace and freedom... 

the princess.. Said... I so  would love to fly as you fly.. So free and at peace.. But alas I have no wings....

The princess continued her journey.. Still so wishing to understand the prince.. 

Another great night.. The princess met a snake along the path.. Saying.. I can show you how to love.. Glide as I glide... And you will know love...   The princess said..   But I cannot glide and slide as a snake... So does this mean I shall know no love?   

So the princess continued on growing weary of the waves and the tide of the strength ... Passion.. and wonder by night..  And the undertow...  Dam building by day.....

One such night she met a dolphin.. Who said swim  as i swim and you will know how it feels to truely Live and breathe... 
The princess thought.. I must not be able to truely live...and breathe.. As I cannot swim as you can swim...  And surely would drown if I tried... 

The princess continued her journey and met with her shadow.. One dawn..  and said.. I have no wings..... But yearn for peace and freedom
I cannot slide and glide gracefully... But am so full passion .. Shouldn't love just follow... 
I Cannot swim.. In the depths of this  sea...  Without drowning
But surely I can live and breathe 
If I can maintain hope... 

then the princess thought of That wonder filled prince... 
And thought what truth really is it that I seek.. 
It should be my truth..,   I've been holding out trying to find my princes truth... But.. Truely.. What I need is my own... 

The princess thought...I do not need wings of a dove to be free or to know peace

I do not need to glide and slide as a snake to know love...

I do not need to swim as a fish .. To live and breathe.. I can learn to swim my own way 

So the princess said.. In my heart.. I can learn to fly.. And soar...  And can find my own rhythm... There r more  ways to love...  
And the hope I still have is my life preserving joy...  To keep me from drowning when them dams burst... Or them floodgates let go...