My faith...

My faith:

So my journey has lead me this far….but I find I am still grappling with my faith…I really feel…there seems to be nowhere I really fit in this jigsaw puzzle…

I believe strongly in God….I believe so much of what I was raised to believe in but feel I have evolved beyond some of this…it perplexes me so. 

I was raised by a fairly strong United front,  my mother would play gospel tunes, go to church weekly and was prayerful…(especially Elvis Gospel tunes…must be where I get my love for the blues) blaring it Sunday mornings…until my stepfather wandered into the picture and challenged us to follow his blind belief in Catholocism….

Never did quite understand why my mother conceded to having us become Catholic when she wouldn’t and couldn’t and didn’t believe in it herself. …her marriage to my stepfather was never recognized by that church…as far as the Catholic Church hierchy they were living in sin. 

It is this very paradox…that I believe has helped shape my strong beliefs…and helped me challenge my faith.   There were so many questions….so many reasons why I never could or would identify as Catholic,  even though I went through all the motions.   My father had been excommunicated from this church because he divorced…another thing I never really understood.   How could a God that loved my father,  not forgive him for this…

I realize now…and actually long ago that these were just man made rules to I believe put man on pedastals,  and show people they would never be good enough to reach God. Some of these were derived from the bible….but man really chooses to twist things the way they want things to be known.   Twisted out of historical contexts… 

Why do we put so many barriers on ourselves….when we are told God loves us,  and insanely did the unthinkable…to give us forgiveness.    What a gift…but everyone seems to want to shame themselves and cut themselves off from God.  I just don’t get it.  

So like I said I challenged my faith and keep doing it….

I am not perfect,   unfortunately I am human and am prone to sin…I don’t go out of my way to….

When I was in my late teens…I had what I thought at the time was a revelation….

I became a “born again Christian”   can’t say I can still claim to be one,  as there are so many things for me that just don’t fit with my understanding of the love of God,  Jesus,  their love for us…and how much the born again Christians choose to hate others and separate themselves from others including the people they love.      

I actually feel my faith went to hell and back after I was born again….I felt I had to separate myself from the people I really cared deeply about,  and really lost part of who I was as an individual , my uniqueness for a while.     …  I think I truly began to hate myself when I started to judge others by “other peoples measuring sticks”  

I immersed myself in the bible,  and any Christian books I could get my hands on to try to gain some understanding.   I failed miserably and shamed myself for it.  I think this system really is set up to have one fail miserably…

I try to lead as spiritual of life as possible….my definition of spiritual has totally changed over the years…

I reach out to God in simple ways,  try to meditate…took a course in Ascension meditation,  want to go further in this,  it taught me waking meditation/ prayer.    One can do anything while meditating its pretty cool really and awakening… 

yes I believe there are some Christians that I believe get it,  about the judgement piece.   I don’t profess to know everything…and don’t profess to be right.   Maybe they are right for all all know.    I still want to be able to try to walk the walk,  help people as I believe Jesus would,  but I don’t want to identify as a born again Christian because I don’t believe I am.  I believe I may be Christian,  but believe I have developed my own faith along the road,  I’ve read Deepak Chopra,  Marianne Williamson,  A Return to Love,   A Course and Miracles….while I definitely don’t believe everything I read….I feel I have been assimilating those things that fit with my beliefs.  Do I believe the bible is the word of God,  Yes I do.   There are a lot of rules in this book,   none of which I can profess to be 100% correct on or faithful to,  and I do believe I separate myself from God when I choose to go against one of the laws.  

I also believe that though the Bible is the word of God,  I also believe in historical contexts of the writers God chose to Prophesy through.   So the message needs to be read in context as well.  

So me separating myself from my friends,  choosing a different road….I know now…is not something I am proud of….and pray my friends understand the error of my ways….that I never should have judged nor condemned them.  

I also have a very hard time believing that the God I believe in would want all these divisions,  and want everyone fighting professing that their Church is the only true Church.  

So why have I chose to raise my children Catholic?   That’s a quandary….I still have difficulty justifying to myself.   Part of me that cares too much what others think believe it or not I think is the reason.   I would fit in better with the “family”.  Remember…I learned way too early from my family experience to believe in family no matter what.  I have a different concept now what “family” really is,  or can be.    I  always did judge myself more harshly I believe than even God would.   My husband is Catholic,  and remember I “became” Catholic when I was 12 at my fathers recommendation. 

I believe its because in premise,   they believe many of the things I believed growing up,  and it gives some guidelines for my children to I hope have some Christian like principles.   While both born again and Catholocism both have their fair share of condemning values,   there are some inspired leaders believe it or not within the Catholic Faith that do walk a Christ Like walk,  there is a very strong social justice community within the Catholic Church and I can identify with that,  and this community tends to not be as judgemental and full of hipocracy as the born again Christians I had been involved.   Yes this sounds judgemental.    I have to admit to some failings of bitterness around this. 

I believe that one should not judge,  and want to reach out to others and help them through this life. 

Do I belong to a faith community …no…I do not.  I did at University. 

But after having a child with a diagnosis of Autism,  there was just one more piece that just couldn’t fit into the mold of “church” as defined by the people.  Though we tried to go,  it was pretty difficult with all eyes on us everytime our son would run in the pews,  go exploring,  scream…or whatever else.  It was too painful for me. 

I tend to believe that Church is more fluid than this…that it is “when 2 or more are gathered in his name…”   It need not be a building.    God is everywhere…and the more in touch with nature I am becoming  with my running….I feel closer to him. 

Challenge me on it…I need my faith shaken…though its been shaken to hell and back I believe with all the traumas,  tragedys losses,   and grief I have experienced in my life.  

I really struggled with my son getting a diagnosis of Autism…and how much difficulty I have had through this journey….and used to believe that God would never challenge someone beyond what he believes someone can handle….I no longer believe this 100%...I believe God knows that our faith will be shaken by these things.  I believe God gave us Free Will for a very good reason,  so that our faith would be challenged…so that our beliefs weren’t forced…and when we come to him,  its with willingness and openness.  ….but that when we are separated from him….we do some soul searching that needs to happen to bring us back closer to him. 

May sound messed up…but its what I believe….still evolving. 

I’ve integrated a sense of humour to help me cope with this life and many of the painful things we must face.  I believe strongly God has a sense of humour,  but probably not quite as bent as mine.

So as I look to the sky…I always question why…but know deep down that some questions…we’ll never have the answers to…it’d be too scary to be omnipotent I believe really.  

Judgements...

I always used to think that I was such an individual….I once said that I finally found myself once I got lost…I’m not the kind of person that likes putting labels on people,  being put in a “box”  and I fight tooth and nail against judgements.   While saying this,  I believe I am challenged by my issues that I often have had over the years about “what others”  think about me,  and why do I actually care.   Like I said….I used to think I really didn’t care..but am getting to know myself a lot better.  I am more comfortable in my own skin,  and as a result a little more honest.  ….but I am pretty complex about this….I care deeply…but often do things that challenge this idea and flys in the face of it. 

So why am I conflicted around this?      I believe that as I am growing and getting stronger,  more self confident,  I am beginning to care believe it or not “more” about what others think,  but from a different place of caring.   I used to be pretty insecure about myself,  and anxious about so many things but always,  and mostly did a pretty job of concealing this.      A couple things more recently have brought this struggle to the forefront of my mind.     Let me start with the second revelation to myself about how much I care…   Today when I arrived at work my team assistant said something to me that really struck a note with me.   She and I usually joke around quite a bit,  we have a lot of fun working together as a team.    Today she chose to comment on what I was wearing,   and said “wow,  look at them CFM boots”.    I laughed this one off,  but as the day wore on this started to trouble me a little.    Though I am “caring” for myself so much better than I ever did,  and part of how this is playing out for me is in my choices of what I am wearing.  I want to look good,  and think I am looking better than I ever have in my life.   (I’m not too vain though)     While I want to look good,  and don’t even mind some thinking I may look sexy,  I am challenged about the thought of  putting this kind of message out there.   It’s a little perplexing for me.  I know I have to take my assistant with a grain of salt.   I know I chose to wear this to work today,  because I knew I wasn’t seeing any clients today and thought I’d have a bit of fun with how I was dressed.    I’m definitely not black and white on this one.   I know there is a time and place to look good.   For example  I am pretty grounded about how good,  or lack thereof one can look when they are working out,  don’t mind getting down,  dirty and sweaty or drenched in the rain for a run,  but like I said….Time and place are important.   If I’m dressed up to go out,  I want to look good,  and heaven forbid I get rained on,  and look like a drowned rat then….but don’t mind looking this way for a good work out.   

My first revelation of this conflict within me was raised by the movie The King’s Speech.   It reminded me of how my stuttering always used to get the better of me in social situations,  and how I have allowed it and my anxiety  control me over the years.   I once wanted to run for a political party.   A lofty goal for someone who shudders at the thought of speaking in public.    As I have been developing in confidence  I challenged myself with employment opportunities to give myself a taste of this.   The timing was not great for this,  as at the time my mental health was weak,   I was overwhelmed by other things happening in my life that I had very little control of.   While I was proud of the progress I had made to even have “put myself out there”.   The feelings and nervousness truly got the better of me.   And I have to ask myself Why?    I believe my anxiety is rooted in the fact that I am very self conscious of what others think about what I am saying….and how I am saying it.    The issue really is that when I was very young I had to have speech and language therapy because of a stutter.    I have done a good job to conceal this in most instances,  but it resurfaces in times where there are many eyes on me in “public appearances.   My doctor has challenged me to go on medications to overcome this.   I am still fighting this one,   and hope I will be able to overcome this one in other ways.      So The movie The Kings Speech really spoke to my heart….I was inspired by this man’s journey to overcome one of the very things I struggle with personally.   This provided me some hope that ….maybe my dream of one day running for a political party,   isn’t that hopeless.     I think at times I can be a person that seems to be made up of many contradictions.   I even keep myself on my toes at times.  

I feel good about myself,  and the better I feel,  the healthier I feel,   though part of me really does care what people think,    I acknowledge that I care more about myself than to let peoples judgements of me get me down,  or let me feel less about myself.   I certainly have learned through the years that my inhibitions and judgements of myself have only kept me from my dreams and enjoying life.    I now am able to enjoy myself when I go out dancing,  and don’t stop myself  from doing things ( eg.  Like dancing)  I am proud that I can claim to be one of few that doesn’t seem to need to “drink” to be less inhibited about dancing in public,  or doing other sometimes zany things..…because “nobody” else was willing to do them.  I don’t even mind doing things by myself at times,   in fact there are some times that I actually prefer it.   

So as I continue this journey, how will I use these reflections toward helping me become who I need to be.   Well,   one natural way of challenging my fear of public speaking would be to join toastmasters.   I am a lot easier on how I choose to judge myself.   I need to be easier on myself.   I tend to fight so strongly against judgements others make against others,  but somehow…I used to be very harsh on myself.   No more beating myself up allowed.   I know I looked good today.   I saw a few heads turn.  I guess you could say there may even be a time and a place for the CFM message to get out there….After all…there is a time and place for everything under the sun.  I may be a little bit more romantic than that…to put it that way….but I have to have fun with this a bit.  Can’t take myself too seriously….or the anxiety will have won. 

On the career road.

So I received some really bad news in the last few weeks that has put a bit of a wrench in my career aspirations.    The education liason representative  of Ontario Art Therapy Association responded to my yearly query email,  with a different and less than hopeful tone.   She recommended that I not continue to wait for the Art Therapy Certificate program that I had finished all but less 2 art credits to be developed into a Masters program.   She suggested I would be better off returning and getting my Masters in Social Work.  She said after over 10 years of trying to make the Masters program in Art Therapy a reality,  it would likely not happen at UWO.    Since I have a growing family,  I will have to wait to attend Wayne State University in the States,  or Concordia University in Montreal.    The other programs are in Alberta at Stephen’s College and University of British Columbia.   I really don’t want to shelve these aspirations any longer.  I have wanted to become an Art Therapist for the last 20 years and always seem to hit hiccups on this road.   

I have decided since my long term goals involve a Masters degree,  to bite the bullet and finish my Masters of Social Work.   I will always be able to utilize art in the counseling process.     I have also decided due to my current carreer path,  that I would like to concentrate some focus of studies into Thanatology and Palliative Care.    King's College at UWO also has an amazing post degree certificate program in Thanatology.   So again,   in the next few years I will commence this challenge and I believe one has 5 years to complete the Thanatology program.   Thankfully there is a program at work that will allow for me to do this.     My long term goals after all involve working with children diagnosed with CANCER  utilizing art therapy.  

I am currently a Case Manager for CCAC,  and I have been in this role working with adults for the last year.  Prior to that I worked for 1 year and a half as a Case Manager for CCAC in School Health Support Services as a Paediatric Case Manager.    I love aspects of  both roles for different reasons.  There are other parts of this job that really challenge me.  .  I would love to return to working with a Paediatric caseload,  as this is my comfort zone,  but am challenged to seek out new avenues for myself.  

These are all stepping stones to help have my long term goals realized.   More recently my discomfort with power differentials has been surfacing in my role.  I usually either fight tooth and nail,  or run for the hills when this happens.    I see my role very much as a system navigator,  and resource to families and at times an advocate.  I have recently become more aware of how much power families and individuals believe I have.   I am not very comfortable with this.    Among many of the roles played by a Case Manager,  including assessment of health care needs,  implementing a service plan,  we are responsible for distributing health care supports according to the needs.   We are also responsible for determining eligibility for Long Term Care Homes and assisting individuals through the process of getting on waitlists,  and prioritizing needs.   Well,  last week,  one individual identified to me the belief and real fear and anxiety that I was going to “put them in a home”.   I always make an effort to make my role very clear to individuals,  that yes I do have to assess one’s capacity to be able to make their own decision for Long Term Care.  But I see my role as more of advocating and ensuring that “no one gets “put into a home against their wishes,  and if someones wish is to get into a home providing them the information and means to do so.   Most seniors that I have had to tell that aren’t “eligible” for admission to a Nursing Home ( LTC facility)  love this information and are relieved.   These decisions are based upon the individuals health status,  and their ability to manage on their own plain and simple.  Family members often very well meaning think this is in someones best interest,  but in reality most people are better off in their own homes,  with the appropriate health care supports in place.      I would assess whether someone can still make a safe decision to live on their own,  with these supports in place  and have to determine whether they are aware of all the consequences of these decisions.        There are very few people that I have ever determined as incapable of making a decision for or against Long Term Care.   Its when dementia,  or alzheimers  or other issues have affected an individuals judgement to the point where their decisions in the moment would be deemed unsafe.   Where they would not know what to do in the case of a fire,  or other safety emergency,   where they are making decisions to continue to live at home,  and are refusing supports and do not seem to be aware of the consequences of these decisions.      Definitely not a favourite part of my job.    Families wanting their loved one in Long Term Care don’t seem to get why their loved one can’t go on a waiting list without their informed consent.    This is all to protect an individuals rights.   While I am happy to be an advocate for an individuals rights in this instance,  it can be a pretty uncomfortable place to be with well meaning and caring, passionate family members challenging you.    CCAC has received some unsavoury media attention recently,  and  it raised this reflection within me.     These articles talk about how as Case Managers we were required to take cost containment measures,  such as a waitlist strategy for services that were not assessed as a high priority need.   These were difficult but necessary decisions at the time to ensure that those with the most intensive needs received the services as quickly as they needed it.  Yes,  as Case Managers we do find it necessary to decrease services for some,  but these decisions,  at least for me are not based upon “cost containment” pressures”  but on the facts of the individual, their    families strengths and the individuals current  health care and home care support  needs. 

While I don’t believe in flaggerantly giving out service,  I believe in addressing a family  and individual where they are at,  and developing a service plan that works for them and their strengths and needs.   I believe in assisting families access community supports that are already available to also help address their needs.  I believe in empowering families and individuals to maximize their independence.   This to me means,  that I should never give someone more hours of support than I see there is a need for.  This also means that if the family has supports in place that are already doing an amazing job,  their service plan would look very different from someone having similar needs,  but very few natural supports.    Providing people with more supports than is necessary  only develops dependence,  and misunderstandings,  and individuals that could have eventually managed on their own,  not doing so.   I also rely heavily on liason with the service providers such as the Occupational Therapists,  Nurses, Physiotherapists to assist in the assessment process.   What functional limitations does one have,  and what kind of plan can help support an individual regaining their independence?   Most individuals I have worked together with to develop service plans to meet their needs agree that they do not want to have anyone do more than what they cannot physically manage themselves. 

Is this a job I want to be doing for the next 20 years,  likely not.   I see myself moving either back into a Paediatric Case Management role,  or one on a Support Care Resource Team,  supporting individuals and families through their last breathes.       As I noted before…these are all steping stones to my long term goal,  that I fear I won’t get to until I am retired….but as long as I get there …and have an interesting journey in the process I will be fine.   I feel blessed to have a job that provides me the opportunity to help support people in the health care needs.  While not everyone is happy with the decisions I have had to make,  I’m not here to make people happy ,  I am here to ensure those that need the support get it,  and have the information they need to make decisions, and about resources they can access . 

My way!

Wow….how can two people with almost opposite upbringings….be brought to a similar crossroads….Courtney has travelled such a different road than I, her view of feminism seems inspired by a combination of her journey of self realization through her parents beliefs and hopes of what could be realized, her personal journey of disillusion and remarkable respect for the advocacy struggles she witnessed through others eyes…..
Mine was born out of respect for the strength and struggle it takes to fight and advocate for one’s rights to be recognized….to no longer accept oppressive ideals, my personal resiliency and strength, and struggles to shift the paradigms of roles in relationships.  My parents could not have been more different from Courtneys… while Courtneys mother inspired her with her involvement in rallys, raising her belief in herself to be anything she could be..
My mother inspired me with her commitment to family, and struggle after she had to make a brave choice to leave my father in the name of safety, and fighting the oppression and abuse. Both my mother and father never were “stuck” necessarily in traditional roles of what Men, or woman do…they got that one right, both my parents were hunters, fishers, campers dancers… if you get my drift. Both of my parents were the bread winners, My father was involved in one of them mesoginist “male” clubs, as was my grandfather and so on… (Mason’s to be more specific)  I also was raised with a fairly strong belief in God, the Bible, and this has added some complexity to my journey. I thankfully am an individual thinker, and never accept things at face value.  I believe man has created barriers to God in alot of ways.  I always challenged the ideals, of man as the head of the family. (especially since I have not met many men in my lifetime that had the strength and integrity to be a true spiritual head, sorry guys you can prove me wrong if you want to…) Hypocrisy, and the way that as a woman leader of a college christian youth group, I wasn’t respected got me down.  I was trying to organize a soup kitchen with local churches, and could not get anyone to donate their time, or their food goods until I approached the leaders of theses churches.   Thankfully I am still spiritual, still have strong beliefs, but  this helped me see fanaticism, for what it was and some of the ideals of these churches didn’t really fit with my beliefs and who I was becoming.
So what am I trying to say through this all… am I a feminist….
I have always struggled with this question, why because while I believe for hundreds and thousands of years women have been oppressed,  they are not the only ones that have been oppressed, there are so many marginalized groups. 
I believe in women’s rights yes, but believe strongly in the rights of every individual as long as these do not infringe upon the rights , or oppress anyone. So I am an advocate , plain and simple.  In my work,  Everywhere I go there are examples of power imbalances. My role is to help one navigate the system, that all too often does not make sense, and hopefully help even the playing ground a little by sharing knowledge of resources and supports available and if necessary blast through the barriers to equalize the playing ground .

Would I attend a rally , maybe, would I call myself a feminist, not in the traditional sense of feminism…but in my own right I believe I challenge the the oppressive ideals that have fostered barriers for women. And by the way of example, I would like to believe I am shifting the paradigm in my own life.
Though I have chosen to be a mother, a nurturer, a wife and these roles certainly have become at times obstacles to my own dreams, desires,
I am empowered now that I feel I have real choices,  and real control and decisions.   For some reason I felt I had very little,  when I wasn't working,  and wasn't bringing in a substantial income.   I believe the position and roles that mothers assume,  often can challenge the very ideals we try so hard to uphold. My disillusionment is with systems that fail people, not with people at all, because I have never held people on a pedestal.  I believe we can each make a difference through our own lives,  to be empowered,  great responsible people.   I believe that feminism has been a wonderful freeing vehicle for women,  and am proud that woman have come so far in having their rights realized.   I still feel in many ways,  and in some systems there is a long road ahead.   I still don't feel strongly that I can ever aspire to,  and claim to be a feminist.   I am a strong woman who through resiliency,  intelligence, wisdom has made the decision to be an advocate for the oppressed,  if that be a woman so be it,  but never want to  be limited to that