dating scene canundrums...

Wow...this dating thing really has me wondering some days which end is up.   I am pretty confident of what I want and don't want.. or atleast used to think I was.....   I am getting alot of attention crazily from 24- 30 year olds...which ofcourse...I find a bit amusing...but   just that.   I would never go for any of this...especially since I know they really are looking for one thing and one thing only.    A man I was dating feels I should embrace life, and with it every flavour of ice cream I can get...if you get my drift...... While I wholeheartedly believe I am embracing life....and love...and want to do this...   I don't believe this ever was intended to be in reference to "sex" only...   but then again I'm not a man,  I don't think with my "dick"  ...ok...  I guess I don't even think with my vagina...   I guess life and some of my decisions would be alot easier if I did.   I know that last statement wasn't necessarily fair.  It was meant to be a bit tongue n cheek for those that don't really know me.   I just know myself    Well enough and I really feel that I cannot do this and stay true to myself and who I am spiritually, and emotionally.   I may be getting alot of attention,  but most of it is not the kind of attention I am after.   I do think and feel that man I was dating had some pretty personal motives behind this...though.. I believe he believes that with his heart...  he was hoping I would be agreeable to  an open relationship...  something which I'm not sure I can do.   I was hurt that he had decided after a brief commitment...that it was too much ...so he had to call it off...   and now he is proposing this.   Because of the way I am in relationships...  I feel I would become too attached.. and not be able to move on and be with anyone else... 
I know there are others interested in me.   I want to be able to move forward...   so what do I do?  Is there ever really anything true about having your cake and eating it too....???!!!  Lots to think about.   I think for now  I will just take it slow,  take it one day, one hour,  one minute at a time and see what life brings.   I don't want to say no to love,  or opportunity... but I want to be careful with my heart...and I don't want to be tied to something that will never develop into anything more..... I love myself too much for that.  That is almost as bad as staying in a passionless and loveless marriage for too many years to mention....   I deserve better.

Relationships r a strange breed...

So I told u I would update u about the dating field... And last we touched base... I had decided to ignore all the sound advice about not allowing anything to get too serious and go with my heart.. I feel my heart has really been taken fir a rude... And while u have no regrets because I truly believe the last month has been a beautiful experience filled with more passion I believe than the last 20 years... So definitely no regrets... But I'm not sure how much my heart can take of this... This last relatibahip while the passion and connection were such an intense and beautiful thing... It ran so hot and cold... That I never knew which end was up and I've made a commitment to myself to not accept being shutout emotionally... Regardless if people r trying to protect me from something... So maybe I need to take the advice if many friends... Not get too serious... And just date and gave some fun for a while. Doesn't really sound my style but I've had a few nice offers recently... And what do I have to Lose.

Don't get lost....

I really have to be more careful with my heart....   I guess you could say I could have a tendency to lose myself in passion...  which could be a really good thing...but can also not be such a good thing...  
Trust is something that has never come easy for me...but recently I have challenged myself to do one thing each day that scares the hell out of me...    and ...am inspired by some teachings suggesting that it is better to take some risks in relationships...  reach out,  and be hurt rather than never to have had these experiences at all.   I really want to embrace this idea....  but recently when I have I feel I am the one taking all the risks...and I guess I was hoping for some kind mutuallity....and of safety net with the whole deal...    I sort of feel I have fallen long and hard...   ouch...    This whole dating thing has me in a bit of a canundrum.    Friends are suggesting..  I think way too much... and really should just be out there " playing the field"  so they say...    I don't really feel this is my style at all.   I feel if I really am into someone,  and think they may be into me...what is wrong with getting serious...as long as there is lots of fun  ( and open communication)  in the process...  
Well... I think I am only a date one person at a time kind of gal...  
anything else just doesn't seem right.   I guess I need to make sure that this is mutual though or I could really get hurt.   
Met up with some friends from college the other day,  it was a fun time.   Its really nice to feel wanted by more than one person definately... but I also am not or never thought I was the one night stand kind of gal...(friends keep telling me to try this on for size...but really don't think it would fit...too out of whack with my beliefs about relationships, committment and love....)  I guess I am not just looking for great sex....    though it has to be part of the whole package...call me picky.....
so I clarified that I am dating someone else,  and though I was definately flattered,  and I guess part of me wonders but I can't really play these games.   I'll let you know if my tune changes....

Living Congruently Part II

Living congruently Part II

Just in case you didn’t check out part one,  here is the link…just to give this some context

 http://bemybest2010.blogspot.com/2011/06/more-congruencewhat-this-means-for-me.html

So its been a few weeks since my husband and I separated …and I thought I should check in to report progress.    I am feeling really good about this decision,  with the exception of being with my children less often,  so I am full of intention to make the most of every opportunity that I am with my children. 

How am I doing at living what I say,  feel and think….    How am I doing at being honest and true to my heart…or in other words  Living in the Heart.       I feel that most days I am doing great in this area.   I am enjoying the time I have with the children,  I am enjoying some solitude,  which my heart needs right now.         I have done a few silly things,  which I feel sort of steered me off the path a little.. due to some curiosity sparked by my single friends,  but I am trying to undo the damage done,  by reposting a positive profile,  and making it very clear that all I am looking for at present is friendship.  Curiosity killed the cat,  and though it was a good eye opener for me as to what could be,  I feel it is way too early to date.     I really need to focus on being true to my heart,  which part of needs to know I can be strong and do this on my own.    I can develop friendships,  and if this develops into something in the long run so be it…but my intention has to be pure,  and clear.  

I know that God has greater things for me and my family…   I know in my heart that I could destroy this, very easily by jumping into something frivilous.     I need the support of friends that understand what I am going through,  that can give some emotional support,  that we can share some commonalties,  and   some fun.   That is plain and simple.  

I know I made the right decision,  because of the calm and peace I feel most times.   The only time I am not feeling calm,  is when boundaries continue to be contravened by the father of my children.   I know we are way too enmeshed to ever undo this damage.   I have allowed this to happen,  and can’t seem to pull myself out of this bent relationship pattern.     He keeps trying to expand the time he is at the house,  and I keep agreeing to it out of being “ nice and civil”  but then it keeps expanding.    I keep thinking…well its his house too,   which is true,   but the reality is he and I cannot be under the same roof without one or both of us feeling some  negativity or tension for some wrong doing.   This negativity is toxic whether its talked about or not….the problem is it went unsaid way too long.  

We agreed to spend Sundays and some families together as a family.  I think we can do this for the sake of the children,  but I don’t want to send out any mixed messages of hope.   I agreed that since we’d already rented a cottage for part of the week in Port Franks for holidays,  that we could both be there with the kids as long as its clear we are there for the kids and nothing else.     I think by virtue that we sort of are still playing pretend….we are not being truly honest with ourselves or each other.  

I feel that unless we make a clean break,  that there will always be boundaries that will be blurred,  things taken for granted.   We are doing so much better communicating,  things are much more evenly distributed,  but we are still sort of faking it for the sake of the kids.  Yes the kids know we are separated,  but I think there is confusion here,  because everything seems very much status quo as things did before with the exception that we usually aren’t here at the same time.      The other part that really bothers me,  is I have made a point of telling my friends and my family, because I feel its crucial that I have support from them going through this.    He has chosen not to tell most of his friends and family because 1. He is embarrassed,   and 2.)   He feels they won’t understand and doesn’t want to trouble them .  

This made fathers day very difficult for everyone.   I want my children to learn honesty and openness and was forced to ask them not to say anything to their paternal grandparents.     So I really feel this relationship has me in a fix to not live congruently…. 

We are still going to a counselor every couple of weeks to keep things moving forward.   He still has hope we will be able to work things out,  even though I feel I have been making it blatently clear that I do not like myself in this relationship,  and love myself when I am not in it.    Its very clear to me.   

I feel the most loving thing I could do right now is make a clean break for all of us….I thought that is what I had done, but since we haven’t taken any legal action  the hope I guess is still present.  I really don’t trust lawyers much, and financially it is a tough road to take,  if we can do everything civil that is my preference…but when there are so many forged patterns  this just isn’t a good mix.        I have been raising the issue that we knew there were problems two years ago,   but really did nothing to work on our relationship.   That was a choice,  whether it was a conscious choice or not.  That hurt me…any time I allowed myself to think about it.   He didn’t care enough to work on it all that time,  but when the threat of losing me is there,  then he’s willing to give it a fair shake?     But yet has the odacity to threaten me that potentially if I chose back then to bring up the very topic of separation…..then be ready for it to happen.   Yah…I guess I am a little bitter.   I am so ready for this all to be over.    I love him as the father of my children,  he makes a good dad,  but a lousy friend, life partner support, confidant,….

Still a long road to go before my heart is healed    Though I fully believe I am capable of being open to love again… if I am truly honest with myself and others….friendship is all I can muster…in the moment…

Want to be fully present…open to a miracle here to heal this heart.    (and I am way too brilliant to believe that someone else can mend it…this is between me and God and no one else…)     My mom taught me this lesson well……

more congruence...what this means for me...

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.Mohandas Gandhi

Some great thoughts to meditate on this week.   I really want to strive to live a congruent life.   I long to be true and honest with myself and own this kind of happiness in my life and believe I am closer to attaining this.   I have been pretending for far to long that everything was Ok...that somehow I had lost sight of how unauthentic I'd become.   For someone like me that values honesty and truth,   no wonder I had been grappling and unhappy in my relationship...for its the main area that I feel I have been most dishonest with myself.       My husband and I had been married for a little short of 18 years,   we had been together for 4 years prior to our marriage so I would say we've been together for 22 years,  that is more than half my lifetime.   Scary thought.  That is likely why this separation has shocked so many in our lives,  but I so strongly feel it is so right and should have happened so many years ago.   Its how unauthentic I have become in this relationship,  because of my fear of conflict.    I have really endeavoured to challenge my patterns of relating in the relationship but somehow continue to fall short.   So there has been more conflict in this relationship in the last 2 years alone,  since I have been challenging my patterns...than I can ever remember happening.      So he and I were sitting down the other night trying to hash out a contract of sorts,  a schedule of who would be with the children when,  and what all were conditions of the separation.   For some reason he felt that physical affections should still be part of the contract.   ....I guess this shouldn't surprize me very much...because I have been so inauthetic about this....   

2 years ago when we first started seeing a counsellor together at CPRI,  and they suggested we should seek couples counselling because of how "unhealthy" they viewed our relationship.  (Problem is I don't think he respects Social Workers advice,  and the fact that I used to work at CPRI,  and used to be friends and colleagues with the people that were saying this,  I don't believe he really took any of this serious.)   He sought his group counselling which had everything to do with being more available to his children.   This was great and I am grateful for the changes and improvements he has made in his relationships with his children.  I sought individual counselling to work on the "me part of relating".     It came out during our sessions at CPRI that I was disatisfied with the intimacy in our relationship or lack thereoff....no real spiritual connectedness...and poor communication.   He felt that intimacy was the one thing that was great about our relationship.    Problem is we had different definitions of what intimacy truely was....   Well  I never have equated our sexual relationship with intimacy.   It is only one element of intimacy,  and while the sex I believe was good,   the depths of our relationship were not...   I think we hid a little in our "good " sex life and let alot of things hinge on that...       So I think he was pretty shocked,  that I would say that this is something that is off limits.  While I love sex,   I love myself too much to continue to be inauthentic in this arena....   If I do not feel very loving towards someone,  at the moment...why would I continue to pretend and go through the motions....   Just for the sheer physical satisfaction....   I don't feel that is fair to me,  and especially him.   It would give hope,  where there may not be any to have.   Yes,  I will miss the sex,  I have to be honest about that much.... but I used to have sex regardless of how I was feeling., while ..and would feel really aweful after about the dishonesty.   I believe I will be happier...if what I say.... what I think and what I do are in congruence....   I believe this wisdom wholeheartedly....and don't believe it should only apply to my sex life,  and my relationships....but every aspect of my life....    These were the aspects of my life that I had held onto old patterns....and where I really was not being true to my heart...

Bittersweet...times of change....

Bittersweet that in order to achieve serenity and peace,  I am forced to make a decision to be apart more often from my children,  but I don’t feel it would be fair to have their father not as involved in their lives,  after all the one area I have seen some growth and improvement in for him,  has been him wanting to spend more time with his kids,  who am I to take this away from him,  or from my children for that matter.   There has been a building tension in our relationship for the last 15 years,  it blows once in a while…and then there is calmness for a while…but the tension can get so thick at times…

I think it has a lot to do with our poor communication with each other…and avoidance tendancies…

I hold myself partially responsible here…I have always “tried to address” the issue…wanted the communication to improve…but get so damn wimpy about it and wishy washy …after I address it…it may improve briefly…but then fall flat……and then ofcourse I don’t like to “nag”  so I leave it alone….until…ofcourse it builds again…   I

I have tried to change my personal responses to our patterns of relating through counseling…but found that  though I could change my outward reactions,  my inward reactions were still very bitter, tense,  resentful,  hurt…..

Its because I really believe I need emotional support,  mutual respect and open communication in my relationships…and its something that though I have tried,   has really never been present.  This was fine when I didn’t feel as good about myself I guess…but I am really struggling with it now….

My counselor suggested that maybe I need accept this is never going to change,  and if it doesn’t…can I live with this fact….  

Well…like I have mentioned before…  I really have grown in the last two years where I feel so much better about myself…all with one exception…in my relationship with my spouse.

We r now going to try it separately…

I notified Community Services Coordination Network as I felt they should be aware of this.   We have our eldest son who has Autism placed on a waiting list for placement.   I never anticipated that this decision to separate would impact his priority on the wait list,  but feel it has.   Only a week after I notified CSCN,  I was advised by the coordinator of the HomeShare program,  they may have a potential placement for our son.   I’m a little taken aback by this.   As was my son’s father,  who for the first time ever…identified that maybe he felt this was too soon for placement.   I fought this so much…and didn’t want Sean placed for the longest time…  but really strongly feel that together Rob and I always struggled with communication…and these breakdowns often posed some risks to Sean…  

I believe that Rob and I ended up staying together for a lot longer than we ever should have,  due to the fear that I had on trying it alone with a child with Severe behaviours/ Autism/ intellectual delay and three other children.   I have overcome this fear,  as things are much clearer now…and I realize I don’t think I was doing anyone any favours by trying to hold this all together.   I believe that when I am with Sean and the other kids alone,  I am much more hypervigilant…which I know isn’t the greatest…but know I can trust I won’t allow Sean out of my sight…I am not relying on anyone else watchful eye…except the support workers ofcourse…     But when it was Rob and I,   I would become lax,  and trust that while he was watching him,  I could let my guard down a little…well the problem was the lack of communication…if someone stopped watching…the torch has to be passed to someone without the assumption that its just gonna happen…and this is usually when Sean took opportunities to take off….I still believe my other 3 children suffer some negligence when I have to be so devoted to keeping a hypervigilant lookout to Sean, to ensure his safety…so I believe a placement for him is a necessary evil.  We will still have plenty of great times together as a family,  it just will be under different circumstances…and our definition of family is evolving.  

I’m not blaming anyone,  I think it’s a bad pattern he and I developed together…and its got over 20 years of habit to overcome….I am not holding my breathe on this one…   and I think I have given up hope that anything will change.  Again…I don’t think It would be overly fair to expect this kind of change of anyone…I think he can change a little…but fear I have way too many expectations,  way too many dreams…

The resentments are also about not sharing the same priorities in life in general,  the same ideas on parenting…there are so many differences…but I think the worst thing is the constant sarcasm…which I used to love…but have learned to hate…I always feel mocked and always feel not listened to, nor respected.  The lack of consistency is a problem…I fear will continue to be a problem with our new system,   but atleast we won’t be under the same roof at the same time to cause more tension with it.

The worst part of all of this is the pain I see it causing my children.   We have both told the children how much we love them,  that this isn’t really about them,  but that we really don’t see eye to eye and don’t really get along.   My 9 year old told me several weeks ago she’d noticed that her dad and I weren’t always getting along very well,  and this hurt her.  Well   this was useful information when talking to her about why we were doing this.   She seems to understand a bit about the tension,  and how we both seem calmer when we r going it alone,  believe it or not.   

I know how aweful I felt when my mom left my dad when I was 8,  the difference is the police were at my home weekly,  lived just down the street from the station,  but domestic violence is no one’s friend.  I think that is why this tension cycle that Rob and I had seemed all too familiar…and I always feared the big blow outs…no one was ever really hurt…at least physically….   Probably a lot of emotional scars. 

Even though my family life growing up was less than normal,  violence ridden… I still was angry at my parents for separating.   I don’t expect this will be easy,  but believe they will understand in the long run.   It took me a long time to believe it…but now believe it was the best thing my mother ever did for us,  and for her.  

New Beginnings

New Beginnings:::I have travelled down many roads...and for the longest time really felt stuck in the mud...and a little lost.   There was a fog preventing me from being able to see things clearly.   I've never been one good at admitting defeat...   I always try to find the good even in the worst of circumstances.   I really think my docs were right when they said they thought I was depressed,  but I just said I'm not depressed,  its the situation I am in...its a "situational" depression...   Well I really feel the haze has lifted....the sun is shining and I am feeling great. 
Many things have contributed to my new outlook...   My new approach to my life,  my healthier lifestyle,  my love for my self.   I used to believe it was so important to be selfless...so much to the point I totally lost my self...and self respect with it.   I've had friends talk about narcissism lately...and cannot identify with this at all...   If loving myself means I am "narcissitic"  so be it,   I don't believe that is the case at all....   I don't believe God would want me to not love myself enough to take good care of me.   I still care deeply about others,  in fact I believe because I feel so much better about myself I am able to show people more love. 
I have been able to " Let Go" of parts of my life that have not been healthy for me.   I am setting on a new course,  a new adventure.   I need to know that I can face my fears head on....  my biggest fear two years ago was that my husband and I were on the brink of separating.   The fear had more to do with not feeling secure in myself,  in my strength than a fear of losing love.   I do not love what our relationship does to one another,  I do not love who I am in this relationship.   So we are trying something new.   I know I need to be with my children and love them dearly.   I know I do not want to take from my children opportunities to be with their father,  but I know at present what exists is not a healthy relationship...one I do not wish my children to continue to be exposed to.   We will both have turns being with our children,  we are going to a counsellor to try to figure this one out,  we still plan to have some family outings but there is much love lost,  and really unsure if that part is workable,  for now I have drawn a line in the sand and unless there are significant changes...that part of the relationship cannot continue.  I don't like putting conditions on love,  and I have never been one to like forcing change on others...I'm usually such a live and let live kind of gal,  but there are some things that seem to be deal breakers with me,  the things that break my heart.    We are parents that love our children,  at least we still have that in common.
I am looking at this as an opportunity to prove to myself,  that I am strong enough to do my share of things on my own,  that my fear was not real.      The thing I know best right now,  which helped make this decision easier was how much calmer, more organized and together I feel when I am alone with the children...this surprized me immensely...I wasn't resenting what wasn't getting done by others that were present...if you know what I mean....  I had to pull it together on my own,  ....this was just a glimmer of the hope that I want...   God grant me the strength to endure this self inflicted test.   I had too many expectations on my partner to do what I believed was "his share" of things.     I know deep down the children will be better off,  if both he and I are calmer,  even if we aren't together.  I wonder,  and hope this new arrangement will have a similar effect on him,  and have ensured that there is sufficient support work almost 100% of the time,  when its his turn.    The queen of fairness,  right....  well   I am sure he doesn't see it that way,   but I know I have been more than fair  and that is what matters truely.     I tried for the longest time to shift my thinking,  to love unconditionally,   to forgive all past wounds....but this was very onesided.   Old relationship patterns die hard...   so I prayed for the strength to Let Go,  to give me strength to face my fears... and I believe I was granted my prayer...because I am at peace with this decision.   I don't look at this as ending as much as a new beginning and freedom from fear.  A chance for my children to know real love. 

least amount of damage?...

Well so I went to my counsellor to vent my frustrations,  and to hopefully find a better way of coping with my relationship difficulties...   We discussed inviting my spouse into counselling sessions but I cautioned this would likely be the beginning of the end.   We discussed whether this is something I am ready for.   I know my family circumstances are difficult and make it such that separation or divorce could through things into a downward spiral,  especially for my son that has Autism,  that does not cope well with most changes...   So if this potentially is the direction we may be heading how can we do so with the least amount of damage for the children.   Again  I am feeling guilty for wanting more for myself emotionally than I have ever gotten from this relationship,  or will likely ever get from this relationship....   And to think that any decision I make may affect my children's emotional well being breaks my heart.    I also believe it would be foolish for me to continue to remain in an unhealthy relationship just for the kids sake...because I do believe they are impacted negatively by this as well...Just by the tension alone.        I know there are problems when my own children point out how much my spouse and I argue.   I also believe the best thing my mother ever did for me and my sister was to get out of her unhealthy relationship with my father....but that is 34 years of hindsight!!!   I know I didn't feel that way at the time.       I am posting an article of one of the temporary ways I am thinking of as a means of making this work with the least amount of damage...at least until our son that has Autism is placed with a HomeShare family.      We go together to further discuss our marriage,  whats working,  whats not,  and the possibility of separating after the long weekend.  This is going to seem like an awefully long two weeks....and though I have agreed to give this over to God...part of me wants to hang on with dear life....but thats the fear talking...     I know what I don't want to happen,  is to wait until all the kids are grown,  and then discover...we never should have stayed together....   I hear of and see this all the time,  and we all deserve better than this.   Here's one temporary fix,  my friend even has an apartment for rent so it could be doable....
or then again...to keep costs down there's the room w kitchenette and washroom downstairs....but I really think that would not really feel like a separation,  as we already seemingly are two ships that pass in the night...    I know I want answers,  want action whatever that means....not really satisfied with the status quo...
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/family-and-relationships/mom-says-hello-dad-says-goodbye/article1261919/

Damaged souls...

I am not Perfect nor near perfect, and know we are all human and make mistakes…but there are some things as a mother I find very difficult to forgive. I had an absolutely beautiful mothers day for the most part. There were a few inklings here and there of negativity…but more in the line of positivity…
I had my sister, her daughter my mother and her partner…and my spouses parents out to a buffet brunch and then over to our place afterwards….that was all good. I enjoyed walking in the I-Matter March with my children…all of them including Sean…right by my side. We enjoyed an hour at the festivities afterwards with the children doing crafts, enjoying the musical entertainment. I even had an enjoyable hour long bikeride virtually problem free with my eldest son.
So why is it that I am struggling….and have a deep sorrow in my heart. Why can’t I chuck this up as a wonderfully beautiful day. My outward reactions speak loudly that it was a beautiful day….but…two negative attitudes…I’ve allowed to tarnish what otherwise would have been the most beautiful day.
The first was tiny…just around who should be preparing breakfast…which I took in stride and dealt with with a compromise of sorts… I would never allow something so insignificant ruin my day… though yes it was mothers day…breakfast at our house can be complicated due to allergies…and special ingredients considerations… So while refusing to prepare breakfast….because truly I would have been satisfied with the orange juice and toast my 6 year old made me….I agreed to make Joseph’s egg free pancakes.
The second is the part I have difficulty forgiving….and its been a troubling thing for quite sometime… Its my spouses reactions to our son’s autism, and behaviours that are I feel directly related to it. Yes…I too have reactions….but I try to not have them so evident in front of this child and the rest of the family for that matter because I don’t believe that does anyone any good. These happenings …occur few and far between but they happen…they break my heart. The way to win over a mothers heart is not to call their child a “f__king jerk” …yes the behaviours are difficult…but I am unimpressed beyond repair.
I don’t believe it matters what the behavior was…. But I will tell you its not easy finding your child to have dumped out anything….Sean enjoys pouring out containers…of whatever…. He used to have a huge behavior of dumping his cereal bowl every morning but he’s been conditioned out of that one. My outward reaction this time….I was able to keep in check….I asked him calmly to please do not call him that… While he agreed…I do not believe this will be the last time….
This has occurred before with different behaviours….and it breaks my heart every time. Sometimes I have little control and respond with a “get the “f…K out” which later I end up eating crow for….because I truly have difficulty imagining being able to do this on my own.
So I am off to my counselor tonight, to further discuss all the difficulties I have with my reactions in this relationship… and I know the time has come he has to be invited into this conversation.
I also know that he has threatened that if the conversation is going to be one involving possible separation, I had better be ready for it to happen. Not sure if I am ready …but I do think its an option that needs to be explored and I am not going to avoid this one out of fear anymore… I have to give this one over to God.
There have been many things damaging to many souls here…too much to leave unspoken or unsaid…

The attitudes of ascension...

Renewed energy:

My recent journey has brought me to the realization…that I have been relying on the infusion of energy and joy that I  get from  working out, and running…and seem to be busying myself to the 9nth degree again…not leaving room for the spiritual part of me.   When I’m out of kilter,  things will falter…and my attitude starts to suffer.   

I will parallel this to back when Sean was really struggling behaviourally,  when I too was burning out…right before I realized I could do no more on my own strength…   I had been to my son’s psychiatrist…and its funny that I pointed out with an allusion to narrative therapy that me holding a construction masterpiece together…in this Dr. office…for fear of Sean having a meltdown…was very much like I felt I was doing with the rest of our lives…I felt like a low bearing wall for our family keeping it all together…….and the fact that at the time I was doing fairly poorly from a mental health stand point,  spiritually, emotionally and physically…it…like Sean’s construction could fall apart at any minute. 

I feel I personally have come along way from this place, emotionally, spiritually, and physically…there are still days I question my mental stability…..but I forced change…I said no more to me feeling like I was doing it all…and we are all better for it.   The part that I still feel like is on the verge of falling apart is our family,  but I no longer will accept full responsibility for maintaining this,  its not that I have given up,  I just do not feel that this was a balanced approach,  and still feel drawn to take over the reigns at time…to “try to make it all better”.    Classic…

So I decided to get back to basics,  and return to some of my love and search for peace and my relationship with God.   I had started back to meditation on my own,  but was really feeling something was missing.   I always felt more in touch with God when I was running,  and when I am exploring nature but really felt there needed to be more, …more peace of mind.   I know I wasn’t really taking enough time for meditation,  I was mostly only practicing open eyed ascension techniques…and knew I wanted to go back to a retreat to relearn what I was missing so much. 

It’s the attitudes that I am striving for in my life….

The attitudes to help me overcome discouragement,  and at times struggles with my faith,  with my beliefs,   with the pain that I see everyday and always question.   I need to quiet my mind…because though I love being so curious,  it sometimes gets the better of me,  and has me overwhelmed beyond belief….I love that I can feel so deeply…but sometimes the rollercoaster has me and others in my world spinning.  

The attitudes which we learned techniques to meditate on….during the Ascension retreat were as follows :  What I love so much about these attitudes and techniques is that they are universally spiritual,  and anyone from any faith can practice them,  and bring their own belief system to.   No judgements…its whatever works for you…you infuse them with your own faith and you need to remember that what ever you do,  do not use a term with them that brings any negative connotation/ memory for your heart.

Attitude of Praise:

Attitude of Gratitude:

Attitude of Love:

Attitude of Compassion

I felt so awesome and refilled with Joy after attending the Friday and Saturday parts of this retreat,  I was discouraged that I couldn’t attend the Sunday,  but the reality is my family needs me also.  I am grateful I had the opportunity to attend as much as I did.  

So…I’ve been warned when you reintroduce these attitudes into your life you need to commit to at least 20 minutes of meditation every morning and 20 minutes before going to bed to regain its full effect in one’s life, as well as open eyed ascension.  Well having a bit of a rebellious spirit…and believing this is the creative side of me…this  makes it more challenging….  Part  of the warning is that you will be faced with challenges beyond belief as reasons not to spend this extra time.  I know this happened last time after spending close to 300 on the retreat,  I only lasted several weeks with the commitment of the meditation,  then somehow justified that open eyed ascending would do,  because time constraints wouldn’t allow otherwise….the things you tell yourself.  And ofcourse it took very little time at all to even forget the open eyed part of the ascenscion….I am just thankful that while running one day…the thought returned to me…that it was time to renew my faith,  my attitudes…While I’ve never been an overly negative person,  I am confronted by negativity….its impossible to be present in this world…and aware of what is happening at each in every moment without being blasted in the face with the negativeity out there.   I struggle…and at times on my own faith and strength…fail miserably to fight these attitudes and succumb quite easily and at times readily to them….  Damn it sometimes it feels good  to be angry…and I do believe that the full range of emotions is essential…to ensure you are really dealing with how you feel…and not just pushing them away,  or sweeping them under a carpet.  Ofcourse a social worker would say this,  but so believe it to be true.  

I am fortunate to have a few friends,  and my counselor that have helped support me through my roller coaster ride of feelings,  I do wish however I received more support from others in my life…when they are feelings related to relationships,  but I feel I have learned down this long road this is futile to expect any change,  and I can only change my role, my reactions  and relationship to others…I have absolutely no control over others feelings,  or lack of comfort with them, their ability or lack of ability to show support. 

Well I am just as busy as I was back then…if not busier….but I definitely have so much more energy than I ever did,   and I cannot allow myself to justify not ascending.   I need to commit to 20 minutes every morning,  and every nite.   So why am I surprised that Monday I was faced with my first challenge,  I was faithful to this commitment all day Sunday,  including before the race,  and before bed Sunday nite,  Monday morning,   but then I was in so much pain,  and frustration on Monday night….I allowed my attitude to win out.   

So back to basics again tonight, and I have to thank a friend for posting some nice videos by
Anthony DeMelo,  a spiritual teacher I followed a few years back,  to bring me back to the crossroads of what its all about.  The thing about feelings…is that they will come,  and they will go….If I am Aware….I will still feel them…I will not be sleepwalking through this life.   I may even feel them more intensely…but the awareness will help with my attitude….it will bring me back to the need to ascend…to be closer in relationship with God……. To the joy...the praise,  the love,  the compassion…

Its how I am dealing with coping with my relationship to my world.   I don’t want to be asleep anymore…I want to be present…. Even though some of these things are very painful to cope with…and I just at times feel like running for the hills….I know that deep in my soul there is better for me and my family if I choose to be present.  

Busying myself beyond belief sometimes I think is my way of hiding, of avoidance and though I love being busy…I need to make time for the spiritual part of my life that at times has been missing. 
Back to basics…trying to find some balance again….finding peace and joy.   

Run killing fear...

I love running…but entirely believe I am sort of an addict….I tend to be a bit fanatical about things,  always have…and it is these tendancies that I believe scared me straight for quite a while when I was just a teenager.   People from my past bring up this crazy party that I had when I was a teen…one I unfortunately wasn’t with it enough to recall any of the finer…fun moments and specifics ….a little embarrassing…but apparently it was a great party.  This party got me pretty near kicked out of the house,  police were called,  neighbours butted in…I remember one thing…feeling I had lost control of things…. My mom’s bbgun went missing…a friend that wasn’t a drug user, got her drink spiked with acid,  I freaked out on the bitch I was sure that did it …Totally wasted days…

I would say I was heading no where fast…When my mother said I was kicked out,  I took her word for it …packed my bags and went to Sarnia.  I was too embarrassed to really ask for help of any friends,   stayed in a friends garage for the night.  

I know I had a problem back then,  I never really got into any hard drugs,  alcohol was my thing…but what scared me I was starting to drink in the mornings before school.  

A “friend” of mine…well I thought he was a friend of mine used me to transport drugs from one school to the other because I had attended 3 different high schools so knew a lot of people..mostly acquaintances…I was gullible enough to believe that I didn’t really have a problem because I never had to buy my drugs,   I earned them.   Fortunately I was never caught.     Do I think I was an addict …not really…but I believe I have really bad genes when it comes to this…and I believe if I hadn’t gone straight when I did,  that I would have been in trouble.  

When I say I have bad genes…I mean that my father was an alcoholic,  whether by osmosis of environment and experience,  or by genes,   I learned quite young the control this drug could gain over someone’s life,   I learned the heights it could take someone,  and the depths of despair it could leave one in.   My father had been a very successful businessman,  however his alcoholism and addiction to prescription drugs cost him dearly.  It cost him his family,  the love of his life,  my mother.  The things I witnessed as a young child were truly horrific. (Witnessed moreso hearing than seeing but just as horrific)   Noone should ever have to endure any of this,  but such is the tradgedy and control of addictions and the impact and causualties it costs. 

So I vowed that when I got straight I would make certain that I would never be in a relationship with anyone who was a slave to any drug. I and my partner remained “straight”  drug free for over 5 years post high school.   We gradually re introduced social drinking,  but I do mostly feel in control now.    Surprize surprise,  I ended up marrying someone who had been in rehab..we joked about it at first about him getting brainwashed at Brentwood, and was a sponsor for Narcotics Anomynous…and have lived the last 20 years in a codependent relationship riddled with tensions, avoidance… fears….we just might have well been slaves to a drug during the process…I sometimes think…it would be less painful.  He asked me about 6 months ago when we were out,  and he was with his musician buddies which clearly do drugs,  whether he could…I told him that I couldn’t and wouldn’t stop him,  however ofcourse I was not comfortable with him using when I know he used to have issue with it.   I don’t have issue with anyone using…I have issue with people who once had no control using. 

So knowing that I believe I have an “addictive” personality of sorts…and tend to get a bit fanatical about certain things,  I find it interesting that I am so hooked on running.   I have done a bit of research into running highs.  Here’s a link to an article  http://www.lehigh.edu/~dmd1/sarah.html

The feeling that I feel when running is quite incredible,  and I feel I am hooked.  

I am really not having issue with this one at all…because I feel it’s a natural high… I work damn hard to reach them peaks of pleasure and pain….and I feel so much closer to God through my running its incredible.    Can addiction be a good thing.. I believe it depends upon what you are addicted to…and how it ends up affecting one’s life..…I believe it can,  however I know I can get pretty miserable if anything stands in the way of me getting my “running fix”  which I believe is a bit of a problem.   I need to find some way to gain better control of my attitude around this.  

Considering my background,  I am quite empassioned about things that I feel can make a difference in the lives of those who are addicted.   I once thought I wanted to be an addictions counselor,  but learned enough about myself that that probably would not have been a good choice for me.   I am supportive of harm reduction programs,  believe fairly strongly that some drugs are better and safer than alcohol,  in moderation ofcourse,  and that many of the evils that exist in the drug world could be made better by some tranformations in peoples attitudes towards them,   this I believe could only happen through changes in drug laws to allow for some legalization and regulation of safer drugs.

Yes,  there will always be addictions regardless of lessening controls,  but once this prohibition is lifted,  then at least more “real control” can happen,  more acceptance of programs that can really work to make a difference in an addicts life.  

My dad lost big time,  he lost his family…many others lose much more including their lives.    My sister was estranged from my father for many years.   I however chose to remain involved in his life,  though he continued to be a slave to drugs until about a year before he died.   Quite painful to watch,  it took him getting Throat Cancer,  a tracheotomy,  and  later lung cancer for him to stop.   After he died we came across a psychology report from the psych ward at the local hospital suggesting my father in his later years suffered from “cognitive distortion”  from the effects of prolonged drug use. 

I still remember the day of my Fathers funeral,  while I had a relationship with my dad,  had forgiven him for the many sins he had committed against me and my family  (I still find it easier to blame the drugs) than the man himself… and my sister who hadn’t had a relationship with him…she chose to do a reading that really hurt like Hell…she read a passage from a poem by TS Elliot called The Hollow Man….    How dare she  I felt…she didn’t know where he was at when he died…or how humbled he was as a man,  living in poverty …and all alone…

I guess that’s how she could bare to know she had no relationship with him….if he was “Hollow”   there was nothing to lose.  

It wasn’t easy…but I understand why she did what she did. 

So….why do I care so much….because I don’t want to be a slave to the fear.   I have prayed for peace,  that God would give me the strength  to never be a slave to addiction.  When I am confronted by any addict through my work,  in my life… I am humbled…to think…wow…this could have been me.

I’ve embraced a new attitude in the last year or so that has served me well…it doesn’t however serve all my relationships very well…but it has freed my spirit…

“Do one thing everyday that SCARES  you- Elenor Roosevelt   At least I can  say I strongly believe I no longer am running from anything…on to bigger and better things.

two way street..

So…I am having some issues of late and have decided I need to head back to my counsellor…problem is my counsellor is on vacation for a couple of weeks.  Along this journey…I have been seeking spiritual,  physical and emotional balance…and I am definitely having difficulty in the emotional arena…as it directly is impacted by relationships.    I really feel at peace about who I am,  and who I am becoming…but like I’ve mentioned before seem to keep getting sucked back into some kind of vortex…of patterns that don’t serve anyone very well.   I probably am overreacting...to being treated like a child of sorts...because really isn't this what I am aiming for by trying my damnest to have a child like heart...

I do not really understand why so many people I am coming into contact with more recently seems to think that the answer to all of lifes problems is great sex.   There really has to be more to relationships than this…and my issue over the last 20 years or so has been seeking intimacy where I really feel there has been very little.   Intimacy with God is one thing…Intimacy with a human being is something entirely different and it takes two…so I totally know I am somehow to blame for how things are…

What can I do to make things better…do I still want to... or even think it is possible…What is it that I really need…I sort of got lost for the longest time meeting everyone elses needs…this sort of got buried…Thankfully resurrected..

Too many questions…   I am no longer content to just accept things the way they are because I deserve better,  we all do for that matter.  

My realities...

Multiple realities?   Man am I f#%ked up some times…  There I go judging myself harshly again.  When will I learn that that doesn’t serve me well at all.   It certainly has not over the last 20 years.  

This came up because I was chatting with a friend on facebook about some of my beliefs.   I made a statement about realities…and was told that I could only really have one but could change it if it wasn’t working for me.   I see my life very much in layers…and while I do believe these layers interact,  and intersect,  if I am honest with myself I think it would be nice and “neat”  and tidy  if I could compartimentalize these.   Black and white thinking …..I know deep down…can’t really happen.      

I say this,  because  I would just love to be able to keep separate,  the parts of my life,  that I am feeling so much satisfaction,  fulfillment,  and beauty in  from the parts that are causing me so much pain.   I know I need to give this one over to God.   I think I sometimes must enjoy the struggle a bit too much,  because I seem to insist on going through these things before I can just Let Go.      So I am very happy with my current social sphere,  I am becoming more satisfied with my relationship with myself and how good,  self confident I feel about myself,   for once in my life I am satisfied with my job,  however I know I am still not quite where I want to be,  this level of my reality could stand improvement…,   I love my children with my heart and soul,   I am very proud of the progress I have made to improve my physical health and well being.   There really is only one part of my life that does not seem in sinc with the rest of my life,  my reality….but because….it all is interconnected it is throwing a huge skew into the mix,   and bringing pain where I feel there needs to be happiness and peace.     

In order that I don’t repeat what I have already written in a previous blog,  I am going to take you back on a journey to where I was about 5 months ago,   I was in a bit of an attitude funk….here’s the link. 

http://bemybest2010.blogspot.com/2010/11/attitude-funkwill-you-please-help-me.html

While I don’t believe I am in as much of a rut and attitude funk…it is because I feel I have made a conscious decision to make the most of each moment,  however I have done nothing whatsoever really to work on that one aspect of my life that I know just isn’t right.  I purposefully have avoided this one because of the fear of not being able to manage “alone” and part of me really thinks this is the likely outcome.     I have 4 children,  one with Autism,  and another with special needs and I want to be sure that all my children are safe.   I am fearful I could not provide the level of safety and security that my family needs going it alone.    And  the World of Autism..doesn’t cope well with Change…don’t you know..…I would be fearful that it would throw things into a bit of a crisis state,  and force an issue of having to have Sean placed a lot earlier…than this would need to happen otherwise.  Yes,  we had decided quite a while ago down this road that Sean should be on a wait list for placement,  because we know how long this process really is,  because our family was in crisis 2 years ago,  and came very close to falling apart back then,  and knew probably deep down it would be tempting fate,  to atleast not do some proactive planning given the kind of extremes Sean can go through at times.   But I guess I would not be alone,  would I.       Until tonite,  I had not given this over to God,  for fear of what this may mean.   I don’t feel as afraid anymore regardless of the outcome,  because I know  we will be okay.   Like I said before,  my definition of family really has gone through a transformation of sorts.  Its been evolving.   I know one thing…I need to reach out and pray for better for me and my family.   I know deep down…though I am happy in so many levels of my life,  that the one area that has the “unhappiness” hold on me…keeps tainting the rest of my reality…and I don’t think that is healthy for me,  my children,  or anyone for that matter.   So do I think I am anyway better off than I was 5 months ago….I feel that atleast I am trying to move forward,  whatever that means.  

My faith...

My faith:

So my journey has lead me this far….but I find I am still grappling with my faith…I really feel…there seems to be nowhere I really fit in this jigsaw puzzle…

I believe strongly in God….I believe so much of what I was raised to believe in but feel I have evolved beyond some of this…it perplexes me so. 

I was raised by a fairly strong United front,  my mother would play gospel tunes, go to church weekly and was prayerful…(especially Elvis Gospel tunes…must be where I get my love for the blues) blaring it Sunday mornings…until my stepfather wandered into the picture and challenged us to follow his blind belief in Catholocism….

Never did quite understand why my mother conceded to having us become Catholic when she wouldn’t and couldn’t and didn’t believe in it herself. …her marriage to my stepfather was never recognized by that church…as far as the Catholic Church hierchy they were living in sin. 

It is this very paradox…that I believe has helped shape my strong beliefs…and helped me challenge my faith.   There were so many questions….so many reasons why I never could or would identify as Catholic,  even though I went through all the motions.   My father had been excommunicated from this church because he divorced…another thing I never really understood.   How could a God that loved my father,  not forgive him for this…

I realize now…and actually long ago that these were just man made rules to I believe put man on pedastals,  and show people they would never be good enough to reach God. Some of these were derived from the bible….but man really chooses to twist things the way they want things to be known.   Twisted out of historical contexts… 

Why do we put so many barriers on ourselves….when we are told God loves us,  and insanely did the unthinkable…to give us forgiveness.    What a gift…but everyone seems to want to shame themselves and cut themselves off from God.  I just don’t get it.  

So like I said I challenged my faith and keep doing it….

I am not perfect,   unfortunately I am human and am prone to sin…I don’t go out of my way to….

When I was in my late teens…I had what I thought at the time was a revelation….

I became a “born again Christian”   can’t say I can still claim to be one,  as there are so many things for me that just don’t fit with my understanding of the love of God,  Jesus,  their love for us…and how much the born again Christians choose to hate others and separate themselves from others including the people they love.      

I actually feel my faith went to hell and back after I was born again….I felt I had to separate myself from the people I really cared deeply about,  and really lost part of who I was as an individual , my uniqueness for a while.     …  I think I truly began to hate myself when I started to judge others by “other peoples measuring sticks”  

I immersed myself in the bible,  and any Christian books I could get my hands on to try to gain some understanding.   I failed miserably and shamed myself for it.  I think this system really is set up to have one fail miserably…

I try to lead as spiritual of life as possible….my definition of spiritual has totally changed over the years…

I reach out to God in simple ways,  try to meditate…took a course in Ascension meditation,  want to go further in this,  it taught me waking meditation/ prayer.    One can do anything while meditating its pretty cool really and awakening… 

yes I believe there are some Christians that I believe get it,  about the judgement piece.   I don’t profess to know everything…and don’t profess to be right.   Maybe they are right for all all know.    I still want to be able to try to walk the walk,  help people as I believe Jesus would,  but I don’t want to identify as a born again Christian because I don’t believe I am.  I believe I may be Christian,  but believe I have developed my own faith along the road,  I’ve read Deepak Chopra,  Marianne Williamson,  A Return to Love,   A Course and Miracles….while I definitely don’t believe everything I read….I feel I have been assimilating those things that fit with my beliefs.  Do I believe the bible is the word of God,  Yes I do.   There are a lot of rules in this book,   none of which I can profess to be 100% correct on or faithful to,  and I do believe I separate myself from God when I choose to go against one of the laws.  

I also believe that though the Bible is the word of God,  I also believe in historical contexts of the writers God chose to Prophesy through.   So the message needs to be read in context as well.  

So me separating myself from my friends,  choosing a different road….I know now…is not something I am proud of….and pray my friends understand the error of my ways….that I never should have judged nor condemned them.  

I also have a very hard time believing that the God I believe in would want all these divisions,  and want everyone fighting professing that their Church is the only true Church.  

So why have I chose to raise my children Catholic?   That’s a quandary….I still have difficulty justifying to myself.   Part of me that cares too much what others think believe it or not I think is the reason.   I would fit in better with the “family”.  Remember…I learned way too early from my family experience to believe in family no matter what.  I have a different concept now what “family” really is,  or can be.    I  always did judge myself more harshly I believe than even God would.   My husband is Catholic,  and remember I “became” Catholic when I was 12 at my fathers recommendation. 

I believe its because in premise,   they believe many of the things I believed growing up,  and it gives some guidelines for my children to I hope have some Christian like principles.   While both born again and Catholocism both have their fair share of condemning values,   there are some inspired leaders believe it or not within the Catholic Faith that do walk a Christ Like walk,  there is a very strong social justice community within the Catholic Church and I can identify with that,  and this community tends to not be as judgemental and full of hipocracy as the born again Christians I had been involved.   Yes this sounds judgemental.    I have to admit to some failings of bitterness around this. 

I believe that one should not judge,  and want to reach out to others and help them through this life. 

Do I belong to a faith community …no…I do not.  I did at University. 

But after having a child with a diagnosis of Autism,  there was just one more piece that just couldn’t fit into the mold of “church” as defined by the people.  Though we tried to go,  it was pretty difficult with all eyes on us everytime our son would run in the pews,  go exploring,  scream…or whatever else.  It was too painful for me. 

I tend to believe that Church is more fluid than this…that it is “when 2 or more are gathered in his name…”   It need not be a building.    God is everywhere…and the more in touch with nature I am becoming  with my running….I feel closer to him. 

Challenge me on it…I need my faith shaken…though its been shaken to hell and back I believe with all the traumas,  tragedys losses,   and grief I have experienced in my life.  

I really struggled with my son getting a diagnosis of Autism…and how much difficulty I have had through this journey….and used to believe that God would never challenge someone beyond what he believes someone can handle….I no longer believe this 100%...I believe God knows that our faith will be shaken by these things.  I believe God gave us Free Will for a very good reason,  so that our faith would be challenged…so that our beliefs weren’t forced…and when we come to him,  its with willingness and openness.  ….but that when we are separated from him….we do some soul searching that needs to happen to bring us back closer to him. 

May sound messed up…but its what I believe….still evolving. 

I’ve integrated a sense of humour to help me cope with this life and many of the painful things we must face.  I believe strongly God has a sense of humour,  but probably not quite as bent as mine.

So as I look to the sky…I always question why…but know deep down that some questions…we’ll never have the answers to…it’d be too scary to be omnipotent I believe really.