New Beginnings

New Beginnings:::I have travelled down many roads...and for the longest time really felt stuck in the mud...and a little lost.   There was a fog preventing me from being able to see things clearly.   I've never been one good at admitting defeat...   I always try to find the good even in the worst of circumstances.   I really think my docs were right when they said they thought I was depressed,  but I just said I'm not depressed,  its the situation I am in...its a "situational" depression...   Well I really feel the haze has lifted....the sun is shining and I am feeling great. 
Many things have contributed to my new outlook...   My new approach to my life,  my healthier lifestyle,  my love for my self.   I used to believe it was so important to be selfless...so much to the point I totally lost my self...and self respect with it.   I've had friends talk about narcissism lately...and cannot identify with this at all...   If loving myself means I am "narcissitic"  so be it,   I don't believe that is the case at all....   I don't believe God would want me to not love myself enough to take good care of me.   I still care deeply about others,  in fact I believe because I feel so much better about myself I am able to show people more love. 
I have been able to " Let Go" of parts of my life that have not been healthy for me.   I am setting on a new course,  a new adventure.   I need to know that I can face my fears head on....  my biggest fear two years ago was that my husband and I were on the brink of separating.   The fear had more to do with not feeling secure in myself,  in my strength than a fear of losing love.   I do not love what our relationship does to one another,  I do not love who I am in this relationship.   So we are trying something new.   I know I need to be with my children and love them dearly.   I know I do not want to take from my children opportunities to be with their father,  but I know at present what exists is not a healthy relationship...one I do not wish my children to continue to be exposed to.   We will both have turns being with our children,  we are going to a counsellor to try to figure this one out,  we still plan to have some family outings but there is much love lost,  and really unsure if that part is workable,  for now I have drawn a line in the sand and unless there are significant changes...that part of the relationship cannot continue.  I don't like putting conditions on love,  and I have never been one to like forcing change on others...I'm usually such a live and let live kind of gal,  but there are some things that seem to be deal breakers with me,  the things that break my heart.    We are parents that love our children,  at least we still have that in common.
I am looking at this as an opportunity to prove to myself,  that I am strong enough to do my share of things on my own,  that my fear was not real.      The thing I know best right now,  which helped make this decision easier was how much calmer, more organized and together I feel when I am alone with the children...this surprized me immensely...I wasn't resenting what wasn't getting done by others that were present...if you know what I mean....  I had to pull it together on my own,  ....this was just a glimmer of the hope that I want...   God grant me the strength to endure this self inflicted test.   I had too many expectations on my partner to do what I believed was "his share" of things.     I know deep down the children will be better off,  if both he and I are calmer,  even if we aren't together.  I wonder,  and hope this new arrangement will have a similar effect on him,  and have ensured that there is sufficient support work almost 100% of the time,  when its his turn.    The queen of fairness,  right....  well   I am sure he doesn't see it that way,   but I know I have been more than fair  and that is what matters truely.     I tried for the longest time to shift my thinking,  to love unconditionally,   to forgive all past wounds....but this was very onesided.   Old relationship patterns die hard...   so I prayed for the strength to Let Go,  to give me strength to face my fears... and I believe I was granted my prayer...because I am at peace with this decision.   I don't look at this as ending as much as a new beginning and freedom from fear.  A chance for my children to know real love. 

least amount of damage?...

Well so I went to my counsellor to vent my frustrations,  and to hopefully find a better way of coping with my relationship difficulties...   We discussed inviting my spouse into counselling sessions but I cautioned this would likely be the beginning of the end.   We discussed whether this is something I am ready for.   I know my family circumstances are difficult and make it such that separation or divorce could through things into a downward spiral,  especially for my son that has Autism,  that does not cope well with most changes...   So if this potentially is the direction we may be heading how can we do so with the least amount of damage for the children.   Again  I am feeling guilty for wanting more for myself emotionally than I have ever gotten from this relationship,  or will likely ever get from this relationship....   And to think that any decision I make may affect my children's emotional well being breaks my heart.    I also believe it would be foolish for me to continue to remain in an unhealthy relationship just for the kids sake...because I do believe they are impacted negatively by this as well...Just by the tension alone.        I know there are problems when my own children point out how much my spouse and I argue.   I also believe the best thing my mother ever did for me and my sister was to get out of her unhealthy relationship with my father....but that is 34 years of hindsight!!!   I know I didn't feel that way at the time.       I am posting an article of one of the temporary ways I am thinking of as a means of making this work with the least amount of damage...at least until our son that has Autism is placed with a HomeShare family.      We go together to further discuss our marriage,  whats working,  whats not,  and the possibility of separating after the long weekend.  This is going to seem like an awefully long two weeks....and though I have agreed to give this over to God...part of me wants to hang on with dear life....but thats the fear talking...     I know what I don't want to happen,  is to wait until all the kids are grown,  and then discover...we never should have stayed together....   I hear of and see this all the time,  and we all deserve better than this.   Here's one temporary fix,  my friend even has an apartment for rent so it could be doable....
or then again...to keep costs down there's the room w kitchenette and washroom downstairs....but I really think that would not really feel like a separation,  as we already seemingly are two ships that pass in the night...    I know I want answers,  want action whatever that means....not really satisfied with the status quo...
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/family-and-relationships/mom-says-hello-dad-says-goodbye/article1261919/

Damaged souls...

I am not Perfect nor near perfect, and know we are all human and make mistakes…but there are some things as a mother I find very difficult to forgive. I had an absolutely beautiful mothers day for the most part. There were a few inklings here and there of negativity…but more in the line of positivity…
I had my sister, her daughter my mother and her partner…and my spouses parents out to a buffet brunch and then over to our place afterwards….that was all good. I enjoyed walking in the I-Matter March with my children…all of them including Sean…right by my side. We enjoyed an hour at the festivities afterwards with the children doing crafts, enjoying the musical entertainment. I even had an enjoyable hour long bikeride virtually problem free with my eldest son.
So why is it that I am struggling….and have a deep sorrow in my heart. Why can’t I chuck this up as a wonderfully beautiful day. My outward reactions speak loudly that it was a beautiful day….but…two negative attitudes…I’ve allowed to tarnish what otherwise would have been the most beautiful day.
The first was tiny…just around who should be preparing breakfast…which I took in stride and dealt with with a compromise of sorts… I would never allow something so insignificant ruin my day… though yes it was mothers day…breakfast at our house can be complicated due to allergies…and special ingredients considerations… So while refusing to prepare breakfast….because truly I would have been satisfied with the orange juice and toast my 6 year old made me….I agreed to make Joseph’s egg free pancakes.
The second is the part I have difficulty forgiving….and its been a troubling thing for quite sometime… Its my spouses reactions to our son’s autism, and behaviours that are I feel directly related to it. Yes…I too have reactions….but I try to not have them so evident in front of this child and the rest of the family for that matter because I don’t believe that does anyone any good. These happenings …occur few and far between but they happen…they break my heart. The way to win over a mothers heart is not to call their child a “f__king jerk” …yes the behaviours are difficult…but I am unimpressed beyond repair.
I don’t believe it matters what the behavior was…. But I will tell you its not easy finding your child to have dumped out anything….Sean enjoys pouring out containers…of whatever…. He used to have a huge behavior of dumping his cereal bowl every morning but he’s been conditioned out of that one. My outward reaction this time….I was able to keep in check….I asked him calmly to please do not call him that… While he agreed…I do not believe this will be the last time….
This has occurred before with different behaviours….and it breaks my heart every time. Sometimes I have little control and respond with a “get the “f…K out” which later I end up eating crow for….because I truly have difficulty imagining being able to do this on my own.
So I am off to my counselor tonight, to further discuss all the difficulties I have with my reactions in this relationship… and I know the time has come he has to be invited into this conversation.
I also know that he has threatened that if the conversation is going to be one involving possible separation, I had better be ready for it to happen. Not sure if I am ready …but I do think its an option that needs to be explored and I am not going to avoid this one out of fear anymore… I have to give this one over to God.
There have been many things damaging to many souls here…too much to leave unspoken or unsaid…

The attitudes of ascension...

Renewed energy:

My recent journey has brought me to the realization…that I have been relying on the infusion of energy and joy that I  get from  working out, and running…and seem to be busying myself to the 9nth degree again…not leaving room for the spiritual part of me.   When I’m out of kilter,  things will falter…and my attitude starts to suffer.   

I will parallel this to back when Sean was really struggling behaviourally,  when I too was burning out…right before I realized I could do no more on my own strength…   I had been to my son’s psychiatrist…and its funny that I pointed out with an allusion to narrative therapy that me holding a construction masterpiece together…in this Dr. office…for fear of Sean having a meltdown…was very much like I felt I was doing with the rest of our lives…I felt like a low bearing wall for our family keeping it all together…….and the fact that at the time I was doing fairly poorly from a mental health stand point,  spiritually, emotionally and physically…it…like Sean’s construction could fall apart at any minute. 

I feel I personally have come along way from this place, emotionally, spiritually, and physically…there are still days I question my mental stability…..but I forced change…I said no more to me feeling like I was doing it all…and we are all better for it.   The part that I still feel like is on the verge of falling apart is our family,  but I no longer will accept full responsibility for maintaining this,  its not that I have given up,  I just do not feel that this was a balanced approach,  and still feel drawn to take over the reigns at time…to “try to make it all better”.    Classic…

So I decided to get back to basics,  and return to some of my love and search for peace and my relationship with God.   I had started back to meditation on my own,  but was really feeling something was missing.   I always felt more in touch with God when I was running,  and when I am exploring nature but really felt there needed to be more, …more peace of mind.   I know I wasn’t really taking enough time for meditation,  I was mostly only practicing open eyed ascension techniques…and knew I wanted to go back to a retreat to relearn what I was missing so much. 

It’s the attitudes that I am striving for in my life….

The attitudes to help me overcome discouragement,  and at times struggles with my faith,  with my beliefs,   with the pain that I see everyday and always question.   I need to quiet my mind…because though I love being so curious,  it sometimes gets the better of me,  and has me overwhelmed beyond belief….I love that I can feel so deeply…but sometimes the rollercoaster has me and others in my world spinning.  

The attitudes which we learned techniques to meditate on….during the Ascension retreat were as follows :  What I love so much about these attitudes and techniques is that they are universally spiritual,  and anyone from any faith can practice them,  and bring their own belief system to.   No judgements…its whatever works for you…you infuse them with your own faith and you need to remember that what ever you do,  do not use a term with them that brings any negative connotation/ memory for your heart.

Attitude of Praise:

Attitude of Gratitude:

Attitude of Love:

Attitude of Compassion

I felt so awesome and refilled with Joy after attending the Friday and Saturday parts of this retreat,  I was discouraged that I couldn’t attend the Sunday,  but the reality is my family needs me also.  I am grateful I had the opportunity to attend as much as I did.  

So…I’ve been warned when you reintroduce these attitudes into your life you need to commit to at least 20 minutes of meditation every morning and 20 minutes before going to bed to regain its full effect in one’s life, as well as open eyed ascension.  Well having a bit of a rebellious spirit…and believing this is the creative side of me…this  makes it more challenging….  Part  of the warning is that you will be faced with challenges beyond belief as reasons not to spend this extra time.  I know this happened last time after spending close to 300 on the retreat,  I only lasted several weeks with the commitment of the meditation,  then somehow justified that open eyed ascending would do,  because time constraints wouldn’t allow otherwise….the things you tell yourself.  And ofcourse it took very little time at all to even forget the open eyed part of the ascenscion….I am just thankful that while running one day…the thought returned to me…that it was time to renew my faith,  my attitudes…While I’ve never been an overly negative person,  I am confronted by negativity….its impossible to be present in this world…and aware of what is happening at each in every moment without being blasted in the face with the negativeity out there.   I struggle…and at times on my own faith and strength…fail miserably to fight these attitudes and succumb quite easily and at times readily to them….  Damn it sometimes it feels good  to be angry…and I do believe that the full range of emotions is essential…to ensure you are really dealing with how you feel…and not just pushing them away,  or sweeping them under a carpet.  Ofcourse a social worker would say this,  but so believe it to be true.  

I am fortunate to have a few friends,  and my counselor that have helped support me through my roller coaster ride of feelings,  I do wish however I received more support from others in my life…when they are feelings related to relationships,  but I feel I have learned down this long road this is futile to expect any change,  and I can only change my role, my reactions  and relationship to others…I have absolutely no control over others feelings,  or lack of comfort with them, their ability or lack of ability to show support. 

Well I am just as busy as I was back then…if not busier….but I definitely have so much more energy than I ever did,   and I cannot allow myself to justify not ascending.   I need to commit to 20 minutes every morning,  and every nite.   So why am I surprised that Monday I was faced with my first challenge,  I was faithful to this commitment all day Sunday,  including before the race,  and before bed Sunday nite,  Monday morning,   but then I was in so much pain,  and frustration on Monday night….I allowed my attitude to win out.   

So back to basics again tonight, and I have to thank a friend for posting some nice videos by
Anthony DeMelo,  a spiritual teacher I followed a few years back,  to bring me back to the crossroads of what its all about.  The thing about feelings…is that they will come,  and they will go….If I am Aware….I will still feel them…I will not be sleepwalking through this life.   I may even feel them more intensely…but the awareness will help with my attitude….it will bring me back to the need to ascend…to be closer in relationship with God……. To the joy...the praise,  the love,  the compassion…

Its how I am dealing with coping with my relationship to my world.   I don’t want to be asleep anymore…I want to be present…. Even though some of these things are very painful to cope with…and I just at times feel like running for the hills….I know that deep in my soul there is better for me and my family if I choose to be present.  

Busying myself beyond belief sometimes I think is my way of hiding, of avoidance and though I love being busy…I need to make time for the spiritual part of my life that at times has been missing. 
Back to basics…trying to find some balance again….finding peace and joy.