Freedom of Letting Go

I want to share a breathe of inspiration with my friends.  They say one can only can have an impact through personal change…and I am really becoming a believer of this.   I have spent the last 20 or so years of my life…fighting to ….as a social worker  change systems…change the world  and in my personal life to…change parts of my relationships with others,  and to be honest at times to change others.  I am fascinated by the tension and frustration I really caused for myself…and never really learned this simple truth earlier.   In the last year and a half I have made many changes to myself.   I no longer feel as strongly that I am fighting against the tide.   I am much more accepting of the things I cannot change. In my personal relationships especially though I still acknowledge there are things I need out of my relationships that I don’t always get,  I have made the decision that I cannot expect that I will ever be able to get these things from others necessarily.   I have to be good to myself and get what I need,  and I shouldn’t have to try to change others so that I can get my own needs met.     I still challenge ideas,  and systems and things that don’t seem to make sense…but I am learning ever so gradually to “Let GO” of those battles that can never be won.   I still believe in advocating for those who are oppressed,  in enlightening the world to injustices…in empowering others to be their own advocates armed with the resources and information to stand up for themselves.  We all can have an impact on our world,  and our experience within it by making choices.   In 2011,  I am making a choice to believe in myself.  I am no longer my worst enemy.  I am my best friend.   I am committed to loving myself in 2011.  

New found freedom

My vow to myself of doing one thing each day that scares the hell out of me...has a new meaning in the last week.   I have forced myself beyond my comfort zone,  and challenged myself,  and my rationalizations about certain social rules.   I have always been one to enjoy concerts, dancing,  going to movies, etc however I often have found it difficult to find friends that are available to do these things,  when I can do them.  Having 4 children,  two with disabilities has meant scheduling my social time around my families needs.   When we were given more respite hours for my eldest son,  I have made certain to claim some of this time as my own so that I can get out and get these personal needs met.   This has contributed to the new found freedom which I have embraced wholeheartedly.   I know that I have the need to get out socially and enjoy myself so that I have restored energy to be able to cope better with some of the tough things I must face in my life.    My workouts are only a small part of this.   I used to be so afraid to do things alone,  and would not do things unless I could find someone to go with me.  This included working out.   I now really enjoy the times I go to the gym on my own to work out.   I likewise have avoided many opportunities for concerts I would have killed to go to,  for the sake of ( because I tend to like obscure music not many have heard of)  just because I could not find someone to join me.   I almost did the same a week ago,  when a good friend of mine said she could no longer make it to a Bedouin Soundclash concert. 
I was disappointed,  and initially thought this meant I would not be going.   I decided to challenge this idea....as I so wanted to go...and thought to myself.  Why is it that I would not go when I knew I would enjoy this so much.   I love being able to share the enjoyment with others,   but when all is said and done...there would be others there to share the enjoyment with....just not others I know yet.   Its often hard for me to meet new people.   My fear here is to do with the awkwardness I sometimes feel in new situations. 
So I went and enjoyed the concert thoroughly,  I danced to the music....and felt great and grateful I had given this gift to myself.   I gave myself permission to no longer be afraid of being alone in these kind of situations.
I have also been able to get out with friends more frequently to do something I enjoy thoroughly, dancing. 
Some of my friends have said they no longer enjoy the bar scene at all,  because its either all about "drinking" or all about "the meat market".   I don't see it like this at all.   With my new found confidence in myself,  my reclaiming of my body as my own,  and healthy attitude and lifestyle...a bonus in all of this is that I am actually "noticed" alot more when I do go out.   While this is flattering,  I take it all with a healthy grain of salt, and a sense of humour.  When I was out the other nite at one such bar someone used a very "funny" pick up line....they said that my eye glasses were "sexy".  I said thank you...and laughed this off...because I thought it was the funniest pick up line I had ever heard.   I know there was alot more that was sexy about me that night...other than my eye glasses.  I make it pretty clear when I am out  that I am there to have fun with friends...and dancing.  I can enjoy the idea that someone else may find me attractive, its not like I am going to do anything with this information except pad my ego a little.      Its all good.   There may be a little bit of "trouble in paradise"  but I am not the kind of person to do anything foolish. So why is it that some of my friends no longer enjoy the night scene.   I believe its all in how you look at it,  and what your purpose is in going out.   I'm not looking for anything at all out of it except for having a good time and dancing.   I have never been one that has needed to get drunk to have a good time,  so I can take or leave the alcohol part of the night.  I think when people are seeking to find someone or something so badly,  the night scene may be a pretty brutal place to be.   I also at times wish there were "dry" nightclubs...but I do feel that this is unrealistic...because many of my friends seem to have the need to have a few drinks to feel "loose" or relaxed enough to dance in public.   I intend to continue to enjoy my "alone" times out,  and times out with old and new friends.  I may still have to challenge the inclings of fear that tug at me initially....but won't succumb to this...because when all is said and done...I know I will have a great time.   I hope my friends can find some joy in going out...maybe even just the simple pleasure of spending time with another friend.  Its all in how you look at it. 

Attitude funk...will you please help me out of this?

I am in a bit of an attitude funk and need some help to get out of this.   Since I have been really working hard at gaining some control over my life,  my situation, my feelings   and my health  I have started to really feel a lot better about myself.  One area I have always been hard about with myself is my attitude.  I always try to have a positive outlook,  and sometimes this has gotten me into trouble emotionally.   This is because I haven’t always been totally honest with others about how I am feeling.  I need to find ways to be honest,  without this putting me in a position where it is affecting my attitude.   I want to be genuine about my feelings.  So this is very hard for me,  because it means that in some cases I am speaking my mind about my feelings,  and in turn hearing and feeling the tension this is causing.  It must seem to some others that I am coming across like my bitchy alien twin.   I like myself a lot more this way,  and I feel less internal frustration, however because it has been so long since I have truly been honest with myself and others about my feelings there is a lot of catching up to do.  I am so much more confident about standing my ground.  I am also feeling so much more  in control of my emotions.  This is all good.   There are some things I am still having some trouble owning.   Because I hate conflict…my family life feels a little uncomfortable these days,  but I can’t seem to get a handle on how to do this any other way to feel  I am in control.   I am not as much the “nice girl” I used to be.   That nice girl used to let others trample her, use her and was so very giving.  I still really want to be a giving individual,  but I need to find a way to do so,  so that the others I have relationships don’t expect this is status quo.   I need for the others in my life to know that because I have been so giving,  that I have not accepted their giving and have created a total imbalance.   I am trying to have more balance in my relationships.   This tension is a lot different than the tension I felt when I didn’t speak my mind.   I think its healthier,  but since I have always  been one to avoid conflict like the plague,  my life seems a lot more in conflict.  I also don’t necessarily like what it is doing to my relationship, but only have control over my end of things.   If my partner does not like who I have become that may be a bit of a problem.   I think it would be easier for me to return to the way things were…but though I may have always tried to be positive about things…I wasn’t being honest…or happy for that matter.   I am much happier with the person I am becoming.  I have a couple of friends who have suggested I may not necessarily being fair in some of this.   This is somewhat laughable since being fair is my montra. 

I’ve discussed some of this current dilemma with my counselor.   My counselor actually suggested to me that I have been more than fair,  that the journey I am currently on is about being fair to myself for a change.   I will give you an example of the extent of my fairness plight.   I decided to write a priorities list of things that I feel are priorities that need to be dealt with in order,  and asked my partner to do the same.   Well,  in this list I actually switched priorities and added ones that I didn’t feel were priorities at all consolidating in a way my partners “wish list into this”.   He actually thought this was pretty funny,  and said I could not make a new list that was just  “my priorities list”,  .    

Anyhow as I said I am having some difficulities with my attitude a bit…this is related to feeling that I don’t like our effect on each other.  I do not like the person I had become prior to the changes I made,  but feel I keep getting pulled back into these patterns.  I also can feel fairly strongly the conflict that is occurring and I am not overly enthused about this level of conflict being present in my life,  and my children’s lives.   I don’t like the effect that all of my…what I feel are positive changes to myself  are affecting my relationship. 

So this is how I need help….how do I still remain happy with myself and these changes I’ve made,  when I know its impacting my relationship in a negative way.   Most relationships I believe my new empowerment is improving my relationships,  but I believe it is impacting one key relationship in a not so good way. 

In saying this….I want to be brutally honest that I have no intention or desire to go back to the way things were,  or the way I was but how do I make any sense out of this.   I know my worst fear 1 year and a half ago was that my husband and I were on the verge of separating.   He even mentioned the possibility.  He doesn’t remember doing so,  so it must have been in a heated moment.  Now when I have brought it up he says I shouldn’t bring it up unless I want this to happen. 

This is one of many reasons I feel I have had to go to my counselor on my own,  because this is part of a discussion that  may occur at the counsellor,  but neither one of us are ready to talk about this.  I don’t know where this road will lead.  

I hope I am able to get more comfortable with the conflict that is present in my life,  because I want to be true to myself and my feelings. 

Relationships..flowers or weeds…nurture or cope?

Relationships are funny things…   If you don’t nurture them they are like flowers and can wither , whereas weeds I feel are the feelings in relationships that tend to strangle us in our own garden…they grow in their wiley ways  when not tended to…. 

I was very pensive over the last few days…wondering what I had done to deserve to not be invited to a family members wedding,  and it dawned on me that it very likely was nothing I had done…but something I had not done.   I have been very self absorbed in my own issues,  my own healing journey and family that in the last number of years I really feel I have isolated myself from some friends and family.   I didn’t really want to burden others with our “problems” and the issues that often come with having a child diagnosed with Autism.  I would reach out maybe once a year to some of my friends and family,  but after there started being more problems,  I didn’t reach out to certain parts of our family.  I wasn’t available to provide much support for them when they may have needed support.      I know I cannot go back and mend these relationships that have withered,  but I hope its not too late to move forward forging new relationships,  and start to water this garden and bring back some life to it.   I had a strange talk with a family member that also wasn’t invited,  who chose to respond differently to the lack of invite.   In the past,  I too may have chosen to respond from a place of hurt and choose to take these things personally.   It is feeling like this that I feel strongly if not tended too…can really cause a lot of harm to ourselves…and future relationships.  I am thinking that this would not be helpful to me,  or others in my life,  at this stage of my life.   Why must others choose to respond in bitterness,  when they could choose to move forward reach out and build or mend the relationship,  instead of tearing down….or letting the relationship wither and die more.          I have not called this family member in the last year,  so why really should I have been invited.       So I have decided I really need to reflect upon how much I really need to “get out of myself”…my self absorption…and start reaching out to others again.   Part of my journey needs to involve nurturing my relationships with others.  There are so many friendships that I feel I have neglected in so many ways.    In my family,  I always used to be the one to try to nurture our family relationships by planning get togethers.    I sort of gave up on this mission a few years ago after trying unsuccessfully for years to have a couple of “girls outings” a year for my mom and three sisters.  There always seemed to be a reason for it to not get off the ground.   At my Grandmothers funeral,  a month ago my oldest sister announced that she has embraced this mission,  and wants a commitment from each of us sisters, and my mother that we are going to make this happen at least once a year.   My sister wants this to be a “trip” / retreat like weekend…which sounds awesome to me…but part of me fears if we go “too big “ with the planning it won’t get off the ground…as I remember my struggles with the “Girls Nights”  I was trying to plan.     I want to think of what will help this happen.   Its what our family needs…all of the women in our family I feel are getting “lost” from each other including our mother.  We are getting lost in our own lives,  and I really feel that we could be so much better in our own lives…if we would stand by each other  through the good and not so good times.   Yes we are all very strong in our own ways…and pride ourselves in our “independence”…there is that damned pride again…causing relationship problems this time.   I feel I need a mentor of sorts to help me through this a little.   My mother was never really great at showing us how we needed each other,  she was great at nurturing our independence however.    I reflected again upon my discussion with another “mother” figure in my life.  Another strong woman who I could not look to as a mentor,  as she reflected the need to respond with hurt rather than toward a better understanding of how to make things better.   I almost found myself mentoring her,  as I responded to her hurt…suggesting that I didn’t feel this was doing her any good,  or would do her relationship with others any good.  I suggested that I felt I needed to respond from a different place because I did not feel the person was trying to “hurt me” in not inviting me.   I suggested that I was not about to allow my potential relationship with others be affected by this decision,  and would move forward and reach out in a more positive way.    This felt very strange,  it felt like should a 42 year old woman even try to suggest she could mentor a 70 year old woman.   Why not…?  I can learn a lot from her wisdom in many areas of her life,  but I am choosing not to learn from her  places of shame and bitterness.  Shame has had its fair shake at affecting my life,  and I do not want it to have any control on my life.  So,  where do I go from here?  Outwards and onwards on a mission to do my best to nurture those relationships I cherish,  and deal and cope with the other relationships that seem to bring me down to a place I don’t want to be. 

Downside of the upside...

I have always tried to look on the upside of things,  and at times I have been called a bit of a dreamer.    I wonder how many people would find me delusional.    I only say this,  as sometimes I fight so hard to maintain a positive outlook,  when at times things to others would appear pretty grim.  Maybe my husband is not as negative as I always think he is…Maybe he is just being a realist,  and as he puts it my head is in the sand.      I choose to come from a different place,  when things seem dismal,  I want to believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel.   Its this hope that carries me through.   Life has been good to me in the last year in a lot of ways.   I have fought to get to a place where I am feeling pretty good about myself.  I used to beat myself up a lot about not being quite where I wanted to be in my life yet.   I used to be hard on myself about not being able to be everything that my eldest son with Autism needed me to be.  I am much kinder to myself now.  

  So for those who have been following my proclaimation of hope and my journey my struggle and attitude today may seem a little different than usual.   I need for others to understand that though I really want to see the upside of things,  that there are days that I find this so difficult.    To have had such a wonderful day yesterday…..and then to experience the day we had today just shocks my system into disbelief.   This bloody roller coaster can just trample my nervous system…and make me feel like all the good work I’ve done to heal myself can fall apart and melt into a heap on the floor.    I know I am not going to let it,  but at times this is how I feel. 

Because my eldest son,  who has Autism has been doing fairly good lately,   I feel that we lulled ourselves into letting our guard down a bit.    I am usually pretty hypervigilant about making sure that either my husband or eye always have one eye on where our son is 100% of the time.  This is because he can get into a lot of trouble really fast,  re: dumping out soap containers,  laundry soap containers,   making concoctions/ science experiments with spices , butter and other things from the refrigerator or the worst case scenario…which happens about once every couple of years and makes me panic stricken…disappears.    We spent the morning registering for George Bray Hockey- a hockey league for children with special needs, then going for a bikeride.  Afterwards we ate lunch…seems like a typical weekend day.   Our son finished his lunch as he usually does before we did.   I thought he had gone into the front room to his computer.  He loves googling images of Disney dvd’s,  and more recently of tropical islands,  waterfalls and sandcastles.   I think my husband and I both assumed the other was watching our son.  We should know better by now I know!   He has been so good lately to entertain himself a little in his room. His rt tibia/ fibia had been broken in a trampoline mishap the end of the summer and until about 2 weeks ago he had been wheelchair bound.    So after I checked our phone messages,  and realized Sean was not in his room,  I paniced a little,  and a little more once I saw the back door open,  and my husband had no clue where our Son was.  My heart sunk.    I directed my husband to go search for Sean in the van while I called 911.  Its sad to say,  but the Police advised us last “missing” incident that we should always call 911 first,  since he can get pretty far in moments,  and every second counts to help them be able to find him.    Sean must have exited the house through the back door,  as the front one was bolted,   and climbed the fence as he was no where in the yard.   The police told us afterwards that they had over 15 police officers dispatched looking for Sean.   Two of them came to the house to help me search the house top to bottom,  and comb the backyard, me praying all the while.   I half hoped that he had decided to hide in a closet,  which he used to do,  but he hasn’t for several years.   Less than 10 minutes later,  one of the police officers,  London’s finest received a call and said they’d found him.   He had made it from our house to the King Edward  Street Bridge,  quite a hike.   The police officer asked me to join him as my son was presenting some challenges for the police to keep him contained to the area.  No surprise here.     So I hopped into his cruiser,  sobbing,  trying to catch my breathe,   my husband arrived home and I directed him to stay with the other 3 children.    We sped away sirens wailing,  the Police officer cautioned me….”you’ll want to put on your seatbelt as we’ll be going pretty fast”.   Fast is an understatement.  I felt like I was in a police chase,  but the destination was my son Sean.   

It didn’t take me long at all to get Sean calm and agreeable to get into the cruiser.  He argued (as much as a fairly non verbal child can) about what he wanted to do.  Kept pointing,  and signing “walk” towards Vauxhall Park.  The officer commented that he was pretty “persistent”.  I commented back that he didn’t know the half of it.     I did thank all the officers of London’s Finest for everything they had done to help Sean so quickly.   I am so thankful,  we were so lucky not to have lost him. I don’t dare even let my mind wonder into the dark places of what could have happened.     Once he knew the answer was absolutely no,  and once the Police received direction from me to “Please not give him the stuffed dog”,  which they asked me if they could give him.    I suggested I felt he didn’t need any reinforcement for what just happened.   It was a pretty “exciting” day from his perspective.   He laughed excessively when he got home,  and tried a number of times to escape again.   Back to 100% 1-1 surveillance for him I say!.  

So I know we had already made a decision to have Sean placed,   I had started to toy with the idea a little of not doing so,  as he was doing what I felt was so well,  but I knew that we weren’t ever going to be able to provide Sean with 100% of what he needs.  This may sound like I am being hard on myself,  but I am actually beginning to wonder who would be able to provide this under similar circumstances?   I do feel Sean has come such a long way,  but the reality is,  that the bigger he is and becomes it will be so much more difficult for us to contain him and keep him safe.   Having 3 other children makes it extremely difficult for us to give Sean the 100% supervision and consistency  that he requires,  and to provide for the needs of the other 3 at the same time.   This is our reality.  

So instead of beating myself up like I used to be so good at doing, and crying myself to sleep.   I instead chose a different path,    after he and the other children were safe and sound in bed asleep,  I hugged all my children,  Sean received probably over 20 hugs this afternoon ( I’m surprised he didn’t try to run again after that).   Though I would not allow myself to go for my Sunday Night run,  for fear that Sean would try to “run after me” .    I went downstairs to my workout area and sweated it out and treated myself to a protein shake afterwards.    We made it through another day…this one more difficult than most.   

The magic of belief and “learning to fly like butterflies”….

I  received a Newsletter from Erica Ehm’s Yummy Mummy Club the other night.   Being an 80’s inspired child,   I had become a fan of Erica Ehm’s newest venture of the Yummy Mummy Club after a friend inspired me to join.   I have been a member now for over a year,  have gone on Girls Nights Out to TO and have followed some truly inspiring blogs.   The most recent newsletter which inspired me reflected on the Dove Self Esteem Challenge .  Here’s the link.  http://www.yummymummyclub.ca/yummy_events?eventID=286       I responded and Signed my two daughters 9,  & 6 and I   headlong for the Dove…mentor challenge to spend the weekend with my girls.  

It started out with the girls and I going shopping for a baby shower gift together.   They had fun helping out pick out the gift,  they contributed with a creative flair by creating a “prayer book” for the mother to be.   Then we were off to Guelph for a day of fun meeting new people,  enjoying a chocolate fondue,  celebrating the upcoming birth of a new family member.   It was a Pretty decadent way to spend a Saturday afternoon.  The chocolate covered strawberries were enjoyed by one dtr,  and the carmel dip w apples enjoyed by the other.   The youngest donned a new tiara,  and enjoyed being welcomed into the ranks of the Tiara Army.   ON the way to the shower we passed a sign to the Wings of Paradise Butterfly Conservatory,  and got a spontaneous urge to add this adventure to our trip.   Jasmine, my older girl loves bugs and butterflys.  She spends hours trying to catch bugs in our front or back yard,  and truly has a heart for nature  She jumped at the spontaneous adventure…to explore nature indoors together.    So we spent the last remaining time this afternoon together enjoying nature.  This was an awesome inspired tradeoff for a “movie together”.    It was such a nice way to enjoy each others company.   We learned about the life cycle of a butterfly.   We learned about the short life span of a butterfly.  We also had the opportunity to learn the different species of butterflies,  and trying to label each one we were able to identify.    The knowledge is not the only thing we gained today.  As my youngest girl put it quite simply.   She learned to “fly like a butterfly”.   Both girls were infused with compassion for nature.    Jasmine went into “rescue” mode when she found a dying butterfly and was on a mission.  She went to the “rangers”  and sought advice on how to “save” the butterfly,  only to discover that butterflys only live a short 2-3 weeks,  and this was just part of the cycle of life.   My youngest dtr followed suit and wanted to find “rangers” to advise them when she found partial butterfly wings on the ground.   We watched on mesmerized as the butterflys danced around us.  Some came very close to liting on us.  The peaceful song of the finches ,  and the cascading of the waterfall softly sang us into a relaxed state.  We had a wonderful day where I had opportunity to encourage the girls in their strengths.  My eldest is really starting to embrace the idea of going to a specialized school with an enriched Arts program.  We’ve applied for her to attend Lester B Pearson School for the Arts,  and are in the process of applying for St. Mary’s Choir school.  Both girls are very creative,  and ofcourse my heart of an Art Therapist,  I want to encourage this with all my heart.  I feel its such a healthy way for them to express themselves and am very proud of both of my girls.   Both girls strongest subjects are the arts,  however this year my eldest has blossomed and is really trying to pull up her academics.    Each girl is so very different.   Jasmine had written a beautiful prayer book for the mother to be which she shared.  The other was filled with wonder and playful all day.  Oh to be that age again!. 

We went out afterwards and had a funfilled game of Halloween hangman while we awaited our supper to arrive.   The girls amazingly got along today,  and shared with one another which is very infrequent and far between.  They so often seem to be fighting and vying for my attention.  I know part of this is because I am so divided between all 4 childrens demands,  including the demands of my other 2 children that have special needs.   I know I need to do a better job of ensuring I have time with just them,  to encourage these strengths to flourish and our relationships to grow.   Tommorrow we are off to “create” our Halloween costumes @ our local Value Village and Talize stores and will be decorating the front of our “Haunted House”.   Justine  wants to be a Sugar Plum Fairy,  and Jasmine wants to be a Wizard.  Maybe I’ll be a Genie again this year in keeping with the magic theme….or a could be a Good Witch.   Oops I forgot about my Runaway Bride Costume.   We have a real magical theme happening here.   I hope I am able to encourage their creativity to continue to grow along with the magic of their belief in themselves.

Spirit of voluntarism,

I’ve been a little self absorbed over the past year with all the appointments for both of my children that have special needs that I forgot how good it feels to give back. .   Years ago,  I used to volunteer with Victim Services,  and would be on call to go to crime sites and assist victims of crime and circumstances. I had to give up this volunteering when I moved out of the area.  I also used to volunteer with a local soup kitchen once a month.      I volunteered for a number of years helping to organize and facilitate Sibling Workshops for siblings of children with special needs.   I stopped this volunteering after my eldest son received the diagnosis of Autism. 

  I used to volunteer with Autism Ontario with Chapter Leadership council for over 4 years and was a Special Education Advisory Committee Member for the Thames Valley District School Board for over 4 years.    I loved volunteering while I was doing it,  but tend to have to habit of overcommitting myself to projects,  which was the case with SEAC.  I ended up on 3 subcommittees,  and though I loved the work I found this became too much including the CLC duties,  and raising a family with 4 children, on top of working full time.   I really feel I allowed myself to get away from volunteering because I had lost sight of the true meaning of giving.   I felt in some way that I knew I had to start to accept help.   But is there any reason that one has to give up the spirit of voluntarism,  the spirit of Giving just because they need help themselves.   I also feel that though I never have believed people should volunteer in order to get rewarded,   I believe I lost sight of the built in rewards of volunteering.   I do think it is important however for leadership to recognize volunteers for their efforts.

I know I need to get back into the spirit of volunteering,  but need to do so in a balanced way.   I remember before I was working full time,  being on the Gala Committee helping to fundraise for the last Autism Ontario Gala. Like many of the things I used to commit myself to,   I gave this 110% and did an awesome job,  however there wasn’t much room for anything else,  especially closer to the Gala.   There is a Gala coming up in February,  and I want to volunteer to help contribute to its success in some way.   For a while everything I did,  lived,  breathed and talked had to do with Autism,  and I feel that my life is definitely more balanced now.  Enough so that I can allow myself the priveledge to start giving back again to Autism Ontario,  without feeling I am going to be swallowed up whole.  I know now,  and find it easier saying no and setting limits on what I can pheaibly do.  

What sparked my renewed enthusiasm for voluntarism was the simple act of making a decision to spend an hour or two,  contributing my 4 children,  1 support worker and myself to volunteer to help Autism Ontario move some items around in their office.   My children were awesome little workers and seemed to love helping out.   I used to think the fact that having 4 children,  2 with special needs meant that it would be very difficult for me to contribute anything,  at least in the daytime hours to help out.   Now I am challenging those ideas as my children grow older.   I want my children to know the meaning of “Giving back”  for all the help we have received past and present.  

The other thing that really renewed my spirit was the gracious attitude of one act by a wonderful Manager of our Local Autism Ontario Chapter.   She thanked our family by giving us a wonderful  gift.   I could never have anticipated such generosity,  and was utterly blown away by this act.    I had been wanting something like this gift for the past 3 years  but never seemed to be able to justify it or work it into our tight budget.   I always used to believe that the universe will find a way to reward those who are giving.  I had lost sight of this simple belief for a while,  but am thankful that I was re awakened to this simple truth. Our family plans to make a donation to Autism Ontario because of this thoughtfulness and generosity. 

Bedtime Stories

This is my very first official published blog.   My gal pal Bookalicious invited me to review this excellent children's book and to be a guest blogger for Erica Ehm's Yummy Mummy Club.  Now my children are famous.  LOL.   Check out Brenda Hoffman's review of Rachel Boult's "Sleepy Lion Lullaby" and enter the Bookalicious contest to win a signed copy!  Here's the link to the blog.  A blog within a blog.  What a thought!   http://www.yummymummyclub.ca/bedtime_with_brendas_brood

To help or be helped?

I once believed that I was one person that never would let my pride get in the way of anything.   That I tend towards being more humble,  but I have been really struggling with this one in the last year.   I think God is having the last laugh about this one…and trying to show me just how proud I truly was…but throwing me in the midst of some of my more recent adventures.   If I thought I was humble …I surely was way off base in this self assessment.   I definitely had hidden areas of pride that God felt it necessary to “call out”  from their dark hiding places and made known.     

I am talking about how I had always felt an understanding of sorts for those whom I have provided counseling…because I have been on the other side of this equation on a number of times.   They say a good therapist has to know what its like…and have dealt with their own crap.   Well…   I had dealt with bushels full of crap before making the decision to enter the field of Social Work.     I had sought counseling for this and felt I had addressed many of my own issues.    I probably had come a long way…but I know now…that I had so much more to deal with.      Pride is only the tip of the iceberg. 

Having worked in the Social Work field for a number of years,   in a variety of roles gave me some tools that I believed really helped me in a lot of ways when faced with learning that my eldest son was diagnosed with Autism.   I actually really fought …and was in denial in the beginning wholeheartedly because I had worked @ CPRI with children at that time that were considered “worst case scenerios” of this diagnosis.  Yes I was a great advocate,  and knew all the possible resources to make sure we were linked with.   I actually think at times I fought too strongly for things…that in the end were not that important…expended a lot of unnecessary  energy for the sake of fighting for what I felt was right.   This may not have been what was best for my son or my family.  

What I feel I have struggled with most is my internal navigating system that kept telling me that there were certain things I could not allow myself to do.   One of them was to accept help.   I in so many ways made it look on the surface that I didn’t need help…that things were ok….that things were just peachy keen when they truly were not.      I felt somehow if I told myself this …then eventually this would be so.  

Yes I accepted help in small ways,  we had the best of the best of services….and resources…but I am talking more about help for me. 

I avoided Family Support Groups like the plague…big mistake.   Though I could truly identify with these moms,  I felt afraid because I was a Social Worker of falling into the “helper role” and also afraid of running into potential future clients,  or past clients.   Definitely a pride issue.   I also think that part of me is still afraid that because I have accepted some of the help …that I really needed…the help of having my son in residential treatment.   The help of accepting that there are some things I cannot achieve on my own.  The help of accepting Social Work support,  and admitting that my relationships are not where , or what I had hoped and dreamed of for my family.  I feel at times because I have accepted this help…and admitted my shortcomings that somehow this will identify to potential future employers that I am “not OK’  and not a good candidate to work for this organization.   This wouldn’t be so painful for me, if I didn’t still have some desire deep down to end up working somewhere like CPRI in my future. 

This idea entered my head as I was wondering…why in my last blog I had avoided writing down CPRI as one of the options and one of my choices of where I would like to work as an Art Therapist one day. 

So these are some of the self defeating thoughts I have had to deal with over the last year.   I had to be challenged by one psychiatrist to “Get over it”  and still don’t think I am 100% over it.   He asked me if I could get over having a Social Worker I knew work with my family.  The reality was there was only one social worker @ CPRI that I did not know,  so I had little choice but to “get over it”.  

The Social worker that was assigned to work with my family just happened to have been a very close colleague I had respected over 9 years prior.   He actually was instrumental in getting me the job @ CPRI.  He gave his Program Manager my resume.  He highly recommended me and got me an interview.  I was fortunate to get into CPRI at the time, even though it was just a temporary contract.  This Program Manager fortunately didn’t follow all the Human Resource rules,  and I was hired during my interview.   He ended up being let go because he wasn’t a follower of all those rules.  

So I accepted this help…though it seemed a little uncomfortable.  Was it uncomfortable because I felt weird about having to ask for help…or because the person was a bit too close for comfort. 

I also have had challenges accepting the help of my most recent counselor.   I think the universe finds ways to amuse itself at times .   What are the chances that when you tell an EAP company there is a slight chance that you may know the counselor they refer you to,  because you are in the same field.  So they go out of their way to find a counselor from another community.   In doing so,  your counselor ends up being a Professor that taught you in your college days.    Fancy that!       I could have asked for another but challenged myself….that does it really matter who it is that is helping me.   I am the one that will make the difference as to whether things can change for me.   I have this power deep within and know it.    I need a guide along the way to help me,  and challenge me.   I believe now I need to be a little bit uncomfortable in my “own skin”  in order to ensure that change is going to happen.     This discomfort,  another name for fear used to make me run for the hills.   

So am I over it…well…I haven’t started running from these challenges yet.  

Do I think I will be less of a Social Worker,  or Art Therapist for that matter because of all of these struggles and because I have faced some of this head on.  Absolutely not.   I believe that I will be a stronger Therapist,  but need to be cautious and self aware of any transference these experiences may produce. 

The truth is...if I was never able to cross this bridge and allow myself to be helped...then how could I ever expect others to accept any help from me.   A paradox but a truth just the same.

New Kid on Campus…or is She?

So there’s a new kid on campus….and she’s a little daring.  She’s definitely not the same person she was when she walked these paths and halls before.   

I have been thinking a lot lately and doing a lot of research on what it will take for me to get back to school as soon as possible.   This waiting game is killing me softly with its song…and though I am learning so much everyday through work,  I am not learning the things I desire to learn.  I know it all has a purpose.   As I was walking with my 4 children to the University Recreation Centre…I thought this is really familiar in a weird sort of way.   Over  12 years ago I graduated from Kings College,  University of Western Ontario.  I walked past Alumni Hall and fondly recalled my Convocation Ceremony .  Even then I knew I had not seen the end of this campus.     I worked full time as a Social Worker for a number of years,  until taking time off to have children but really never stopped loving learning.   I used to joke with my friends that  I’d be a “Lifer” with this student thing.   Over 20 years ago,  I went to Community College to take Social Service Worker diploma…then spent a number of years taking part time courses at Western while working in the field full time.   My Profs @ College always told me they thought  I should go on to get my degree.  They were right.   When I finished my BSW,  I really wanted to pursue a Masters,  however I decided I needed something more specialized than a Generalist Degree.   I spent over 5 years post degree working towards my Art Therapy Certificate.   Out of all the placements I had through my learning.. and I have had 6 placement…the first was in College @ a Youth Hostel for street youth with Addictions issues,  the second in a College Counselling office working with Students with Special Needs…The third in a Child and Family Counselling Centre- Children’s Mental Health,,  the fourth doing Advocacy Work @ an UnEmployment Health Centre.   My last two placements were the most rewarding of all the placements.  I suspect because I felt I was so much closer to doing what I truly believe I need to be doing…my true Calling…Art Therapy.    The Elementary school placements Providing Art Therapy assessment and consultations was a good placement but not as fantastic as the Placement I had @ the Child & Adolescent Centre,  LHSC.  This truly was an amazing experience.   …I believe I learned the most from my Art Therapy Practicums. I think the way we did Supervision in the Art Therapy program was much more reflective and challenged us to  grow in the most profound ways.    Then the bottom fell out…..life got busy with children,…even busier when my eldest child was diagnosed with Autism.  I couldn’t dedicate as much time to the classroom component of the program and requested an additional 2 years to finish the program.   Little did I know the program would fold before I had a chance to totally complete it.   I only had to finish 2 Art Credits in order to get my Certificate….   This was just the first step….I would also have to complete 1000 hrs of paid supervised work and develop a portfolio in order to apply for Registered Art Therapist status.  

So do I believe I will be able to ever complete this….Well as it stands the Art Therapy Program in London Ontario does not exist and this is where I am,  and where I have to be for the time being.  The Ontario Art Therapy Association has been trying to bring the program back as a Masters Level Program for the past 10 years,  they were very close to achieveing this last year but it never happened.   My only choice at this time is to get the credits I need to pursue the Masters Program elsewhere.   Wayne State University is the most likely program.   So I now need to complete at least 2  Art Credits, I will need to speak to someone @ the University to see what I should take since last assessment they advised me I had too many Psychs and Soc’s and Social Work courses,  and they wanted me to concentrate on the Art credits.   Since it has been a number of years I assume I will need to take more psychology courses  and start developing an Art portfolio for this program.  I am determined to complete this goal….if it takes me the next 10 years to do so.   I know I will be satisfied to have reached my goal of having my own Art Therapy practice by the time I retire ( That is 23 years from now I hope)   I know I would love to work @ LHSC in the Art Therapy department or The Child & Adolescent Centre  (outpatient @ LHSC)or a similar program in another city for  a number of years before having my own practice.  

So what I long journey I have before me….I will be starting this year to take at least one Art Credit…

So I will be the “New Kid on Campus”.    I was thinking today how old I felt as I walked to the University Recreation Centre with my children.    How changed this student thing feels.   I am going to have to simplify things so that I can still get all the physical workout needs that my body needs while I am exercising my mind through getting back to school.  I definitely do not want to “forsake” all my hard work and dedication in self improving my physical health….but to be more balanced…I definitely need to help my mind develop to its full potential.   Its been waiting way too long.    I looked into the Alumni rates at the Recreation Centre where my eldest son just started swimming lessons through the Making Waves program. 

This is cheaper than my current gym,  and has better work out hours that will suit my new time management needs.   The facilities have come along way baby  from what I remember them being when they were still @ UCC  over 10 years ago.    They even have an indoor track which will allow me to maintain my running during the winter months if I chicken out of my commitment to run through the snow!  So some people have a 5 year plan…if life were just that simple….that would be nice!    I have a 23 year plan…if I finish it before then….more power to me….but I need to be fair to myself…and realistic about what I can handle while working full time,  and raising a family.  I wish I could dive deep into learning …but for now….I will have to wade into it .  What intimidates me most about the Art Credits is that one needs time commitment to complete all the art assignments and projects…these are studio hours.   A book one can read…and research just about anywhere…but studio work can’t happen just anywhere.   This will be an interesting chapter in my life.  Though I am afraid…I will bravely face what I know I must to achieve what I want. 

Runaway Bride....

So elegant…with her cascading vail floating in the wind behind her like a kite flying free…a streak of white purity and innocence…before the tide of darkness has a chance to take its hold…

It’s a somber but interesting thought coming from someone who has been married over 17 years

So my newest adventure is to find a fun costume for my Halloween Haunting 10 km run on Oct 30^th in Springbank Park.  This was a challenge my creative heart embraced with vigor.   My first thought was to dress in black and paint a skeleton in glow in the dark paint,  but decided there would be many glow in the dark skeletons.  My husband suggested that I be the corpse Bride…and thought this peeked my interest…I thought better of running in full face makeup  for 10 km…not a pretty site with the amount I sweat……  So in going with the bride theme  I thought I would be a little sentimental and get out my wedding gown.   No I dare not wear this for a 10 km run….but would this even fit me 17 years later?    Dare I try this on?    I double dared myself….and  to my pleasant surprise discovered that this not only still fit me but I was now swimming in it.   So how far have I come in the past 17 years.    I have grown in leaps and bounds….both emotionally and mentally.  I am so much stronger than I ever was…and somehow felt I should fit into this much better.   But this is definitely not the way I have grown.   I am so much more confident and brave  than I could ever have imagined myself.  I was such a shy and timid girl…yes I went through a wild child phase ofcourse…who doesn’t? …deep down  I was always shy and timid.  I think part of me always felt like running….after all I had so many fears,  and was so afraid…but I never had the courage .     And running seems to be a constant theme in my life….

I used to want to work as a Street Outreach Worker with Runaway Youth.   I think part of me sort of romanticized “runaways” a little bit.   I think I admired their spirit.   My mother ran away from home when she was 15 years old to live with her Aunt,  my Great Aunt.   I think I admired this about her.  I

I used to always avoid things…like the plague and got myself in a lot of messes because of this avoidance.

I have lived the last 20 years in a relationship that really has been cyclical with tension and avoidance…and am doing everything in my personal power to change my ways that contribute to this cycle,  though it may mean that things may be more tense for a while. 

So was I surprized to have a son diagnosed with Autism?   A disability that often is looked at ...as one not really wanting to connect to this social world?   Surprized....yes...but I feel deep down I always had a sort of affinity and understanding for some of my son's desires and struggles.  My older sister once told me that she thought I may have had Autism.  (based upon some atypical behaviours re: eye contact avoidance,  not talking til I was 4 and some hand flapping- stereotypical behaviors... much of this has disappeared)    I shrug my shoulders....  I don't believe I would have ever received this diagnosis.  Yes,  I was a little socially awkward,  an eccentric,   and avoided eye contact,  enjoy my solitude....I chucked this up to being shy  and an introvert...though when doing the Myers Briggs Type Indicator twice in a span of 10 years  I moved from an Introvert....to an Extrovert....    Yes  I still like my solitude....but I so enjoy spending time with others as well.   I am definately more balanced. 

I love running….I used to love running in high school…how I ever let myself stop running….I will never know….I feel I am now addicted to running….but feel totally okay with this addiction.   I never want to break free from its hold on me.  

A friend and colleague of mine who went to University with me over 12 years ago and who coincidentally works with me @ the same agency.. pointed out how far I had come from even then.  I would speak up in class and stutter and shudder in front of my peers …..but fought to bravely present my arguments….even though it seemed so painful for everyone to watch and me to feel.    I am very proud of the woman I have become….but part of my past so wants to “shame” me and reclaim the hold on my soul.   I won’t allow it!       So….. To be thinner than I was on my wedding day…when I had lost weight  to fit into this gown back then….is such a satisfying and awakening and freeing feeling.  Though this is only symbolic...it cannot touch the true committment and heartfelt achievement this truely is.    In the past 17 years I have bravely faced many things.   I have shed over 45 lbs of shame, self hatred, sacrifice,  and pain.     I am not the same person as I was back then 17 years ago.    So as I peered at myself beyond the vail in the loose…yet still beautiful gown…with pearls and flowers in my vail cascading around my head in a crown…I thought…this doesn’t suit the new me at all…    I could be a Runaway bride….  I could live for one moment everyone’s fantasy. 

How fitting….and no…I will not wear my wedding gown….It would be too difficult and too heavy to run in…and I am way too sentimental to sweat a 10 km run and ruin my wedding dress…I will have to find something simple to wear over a white running outfit….that I can wear with my vail.  

So Verdict is…Runaway Bride it is!!

So elegant…with her cascading vail floating in the wind behind her like a kite flying free

Running towards a brighter future….

Running from…to Running to…

So I am challenging myself as we know to do one thing each day that scare me.   Todays feat was just that…I did something today I never thought I would be able to do.  I ran a 10 km run in about 1 hour. 

Someone jokingly said to me a week ago that they thought I might just be running to get away from my kids.  And yes,  there are somedays I do feel this way.   What exactly am I running from?  

In a way I have avoided many things in my life,  because of fears that are very difficult for me to explain. 

I thought about this today as I was running through Stratford.   Stratford is very much like home for me.  For the first 8 years of my life,  I lived in a Hamlet just North of Stratford called Sebringville.   I came “home” to Stratford many times to visit my father as I grew as my parents divorced when I was 8 and we moved many miles away.   I remember fairly clearly taking the VIA train into Stratford with my sister.

Then later when I was older,  I remember visiting my father on my own when my sister chose to be estranged from him.   My father had many issues, the biggest issue I think he struggled with to his dying day was that he still loved my mother,  and had many regrets.  I remember him telling me this many times when I went to visit him.   Yes, he suffered from alcoholism,  and later what reports outlined as “cognitive distortion”,  and I highly suspect some mental illness as it was his combination of drugs,  alcohol and valium that I believe sent him over the edge and caused much of his destructive behavior.    My father was abusive.  But in the end before he died, he truly had nothing. 

He was a fairly successful man in his day, but whether he was punishing himself for his past mistakes, he dug himself into an abyss of sorts.   He lost his successful job, with this,  he became poor,  and in the end worked odd jobs,  in which he barely was able to forge an existence.   He was diagnosed with throat Cancer over 12 years ago,  and had a tracheotomy.   He later was diagnosed with lung cancer and died during a special chemo treatment.   

What does this have to do with running from?   Well I believe all my life I believed very strongly that I Wanted to avoid the kind of relationship that my mother and father had together.  I purposely chose a partner that didn’t drink at all.  After all at that time I didn’t drink either.  It made perfect sense.   I believe that subconsciously I also picked a partner that I felt I could have a sense of control over the relationship, and ironically I feel I have very little control.   No I am not saying I am in an abusive relationship,  but I do acknowledge there are elements of control in this relationship that aren’t healthy for either one of us,  or our children for that matter.  Its mainly the patterns of tension and avoidance.  I am endevouring to change the aspects of this that I do have control over through seeking counselling.

So in a matter of speaking I ran to something similar to what I may have been running from. 

I would like to think my running today, physically  has nothing to do with running from anything.   I believe I am running towards my goals.  

But there again…while I was running in Stratford I felt propelled back to the memory of my father’s dying wish.   His dying wish involved a coercive request in letter form stating that he would haunt me and my sister if we did not follow this wish.  So we followed through with this dying wish.   And the irony of it is I feel I am haunted by this.  We buried his ashes where he requested we do so…and as I ran past the area I felt propelled to run faster.   This very thing helped me achieve my goal of running this race in the 1 hour I had set as a goal. 

Challenging myself to do one thing that SCARES me each day,  is a way to help me run past,  and through those difficult fears so I no longer have to be a prisoner of my fears. 

Art therapy mind…New infusion of inspiration!

So I was listening to the TV…like I so often do…as I rarely watch it anymore…and it was on CBC.   

My ears started to perk up a bit ….as I was hearing some interesting research about  a new treatment being researched for schizophrenia…something about the neuroplasticity of the mind and a special computer program that had been developed for this research specifically utilizing a series of exercises to stimulate the mind.   Though early in research methodology…the implications sound promising.   I also think it would be fascinating to follow this study for a while and follow the efficacy of this treatment for schizophrenia,  but then extend the treatment  and assess it’s effectiveness in treating  individuals with higher functioning Autism.   Some of the areas where individuals with schizophrenia were finding improvements   such as social skills,  reconnecting with their world and ability and skills in attention could benefit individuals on the autism spectrum.  The exercises in the study with individuals with a diagnosis of schizophrenia were designed to restore and enhance early perceptual and working memory processes, with the fundamental goal of “forcibly” increasing the accuracy, the temporally detailed resolution, and the power of sensory input.   Targeted areas were global cognition, speed of processing, verbal learning and memory, and cognitive control .  When considering developing a simular tool for individuals with Autism,  one would have to be very specific about the targets and tweek the targets according to the areas of cognition impacted in Autism.   Though no two people with the diagnosis of Autism are alike,  more is being learned regarding the Autistic mind and the way connections are made within the Autistic mind.   Furthermore,  the skills that are included in these research tests  seem to be structured utilizing Cognitive Behaviour Therapy .   Behaviour Therapy has been proven to be effective with individuals on the Autism Spectrum,  and Cognitive Behaviour Therapy likewise for individuals on the higher end of the autism spectrum.  

   Here is a link to some recent outcomes of the research study http://schizophreniabulletin.oxfordjournals.org/content/early/2009/03/05/schbul.sbn170.full

And ofcourse my creative mind won’t leave this one alone either…it rarely does.   So what if I were to propose to develop an art therapy tool,  obviously that would be a computerized art therapy tool that integrated these exercises together.  The goals of the exercises would be adjusted according to what areas of cognition are impacted in Autism,  but the tool would be dynamic in graphic design to maintain the interest of more youthful participants in this treatment.      Since I don’t have a background in graphic design nor computer programming,  I would have to develop a partnership with old friends and colleagues from mindyourmind.ca .  A mental health website for youth that I worked for over 2 years ago. 

CBT lends itself well to Art Therapy.   I used to challenge this idea…until I trialed it working in an Art Therapy Group I developed for a Community Health Centre.   It’s a great marriage in fact.   Art therapy helps to make concrete the thoughts  that can be transformed into action.   You not only visualize in your minds eye the goals that have been established…but you can make them “real” and materialize before your very eyes. 

So here’s to hoping that the Art Therapy program @ UWO comes back as a Masters so I can maybe do some of this research as part of finishing the program.   If it doesn’t come back I may be  will have to rethink my Master’s plan.   I definitely don’t want to just do a generalist Master’s such as Social Work. 

I could do a Master’s of Education and Counselling,  or Master’s in Psychology.   The math component terrifys me but remember I am trying to “Do one thing every day that SCARES me”---Elenor Roosevelt.

So even if this does not come back in the next 5 years to London…my plan starts now.   I will be contacting my Human Resources department in January to request that they initiate the education savings plan where they withhold 20% of my income for the next 4 years so that I can take the 5^th year off of work full time .   This would allow me the time I needed to be able to commute to either  Montreal- Concordia University(heaven forbid) or Wayne State University to take the Masters in Art Therapy there.  Ofcourse there is BC,  or a distance Education program in Alberta @ St. Stephan’s .     Then I would have to try to apply for scholarships.     My 4 year old would be 8 years old at that time,  my 6 year old,  10; my 9 year old 13 and 11 year old 15.   Better ages for me to be going back to school.  

I will one day be able to call myself an Art Therapist.  This has been such a long road.   I have known this goal since college,  over 20 years ago now.   Though I am a very creative counselor,  and Social Worker,  I fear I am not utilizing this part of my skill set in my current role.   My clinical skills in assessment are getting fine tuned  and tweeked definitely…but I definitely need more.