New found freedom

My vow to myself of doing one thing each day that scares the hell out of me...has a new meaning in the last week.   I have forced myself beyond my comfort zone,  and challenged myself,  and my rationalizations about certain social rules.   I have always been one to enjoy concerts, dancing,  going to movies, etc however I often have found it difficult to find friends that are available to do these things,  when I can do them.  Having 4 children,  two with disabilities has meant scheduling my social time around my families needs.   When we were given more respite hours for my eldest son,  I have made certain to claim some of this time as my own so that I can get out and get these personal needs met.   This has contributed to the new found freedom which I have embraced wholeheartedly.   I know that I have the need to get out socially and enjoy myself so that I have restored energy to be able to cope better with some of the tough things I must face in my life.    My workouts are only a small part of this.   I used to be so afraid to do things alone,  and would not do things unless I could find someone to go with me.  This included working out.   I now really enjoy the times I go to the gym on my own to work out.   I likewise have avoided many opportunities for concerts I would have killed to go to,  for the sake of ( because I tend to like obscure music not many have heard of)  just because I could not find someone to join me.   I almost did the same a week ago,  when a good friend of mine said she could no longer make it to a Bedouin Soundclash concert. 
I was disappointed,  and initially thought this meant I would not be going.   I decided to challenge this idea....as I so wanted to go...and thought to myself.  Why is it that I would not go when I knew I would enjoy this so much.   I love being able to share the enjoyment with others,   but when all is said and done...there would be others there to share the enjoyment with....just not others I know yet.   Its often hard for me to meet new people.   My fear here is to do with the awkwardness I sometimes feel in new situations. 
So I went and enjoyed the concert thoroughly,  I danced to the music....and felt great and grateful I had given this gift to myself.   I gave myself permission to no longer be afraid of being alone in these kind of situations.
I have also been able to get out with friends more frequently to do something I enjoy thoroughly, dancing. 
Some of my friends have said they no longer enjoy the bar scene at all,  because its either all about "drinking" or all about "the meat market".   I don't see it like this at all.   With my new found confidence in myself,  my reclaiming of my body as my own,  and healthy attitude and lifestyle...a bonus in all of this is that I am actually "noticed" alot more when I do go out.   While this is flattering,  I take it all with a healthy grain of salt, and a sense of humour.  When I was out the other nite at one such bar someone used a very "funny" pick up line....they said that my eye glasses were "sexy".  I said thank you...and laughed this off...because I thought it was the funniest pick up line I had ever heard.   I know there was alot more that was sexy about me that night...other than my eye glasses.  I make it pretty clear when I am out  that I am there to have fun with friends...and dancing.  I can enjoy the idea that someone else may find me attractive, its not like I am going to do anything with this information except pad my ego a little.      Its all good.   There may be a little bit of "trouble in paradise"  but I am not the kind of person to do anything foolish. So why is it that some of my friends no longer enjoy the night scene.   I believe its all in how you look at it,  and what your purpose is in going out.   I'm not looking for anything at all out of it except for having a good time and dancing.   I have never been one that has needed to get drunk to have a good time,  so I can take or leave the alcohol part of the night.  I think when people are seeking to find someone or something so badly,  the night scene may be a pretty brutal place to be.   I also at times wish there were "dry" nightclubs...but I do feel that this is unrealistic...because many of my friends seem to have the need to have a few drinks to feel "loose" or relaxed enough to dance in public.   I intend to continue to enjoy my "alone" times out,  and times out with old and new friends.  I may still have to challenge the inclings of fear that tug at me initially....but won't succumb to this...because when all is said and done...I know I will have a great time.   I hope my friends can find some joy in going out...maybe even just the simple pleasure of spending time with another friend.  Its all in how you look at it. 

Attitude funk...will you please help me out of this?

I am in a bit of an attitude funk and need some help to get out of this.   Since I have been really working hard at gaining some control over my life,  my situation, my feelings   and my health  I have started to really feel a lot better about myself.  One area I have always been hard about with myself is my attitude.  I always try to have a positive outlook,  and sometimes this has gotten me into trouble emotionally.   This is because I haven’t always been totally honest with others about how I am feeling.  I need to find ways to be honest,  without this putting me in a position where it is affecting my attitude.   I want to be genuine about my feelings.  So this is very hard for me,  because it means that in some cases I am speaking my mind about my feelings,  and in turn hearing and feeling the tension this is causing.  It must seem to some others that I am coming across like my bitchy alien twin.   I like myself a lot more this way,  and I feel less internal frustration, however because it has been so long since I have truly been honest with myself and others about my feelings there is a lot of catching up to do.  I am so much more confident about standing my ground.  I am also feeling so much more  in control of my emotions.  This is all good.   There are some things I am still having some trouble owning.   Because I hate conflict…my family life feels a little uncomfortable these days,  but I can’t seem to get a handle on how to do this any other way to feel  I am in control.   I am not as much the “nice girl” I used to be.   That nice girl used to let others trample her, use her and was so very giving.  I still really want to be a giving individual,  but I need to find a way to do so,  so that the others I have relationships don’t expect this is status quo.   I need for the others in my life to know that because I have been so giving,  that I have not accepted their giving and have created a total imbalance.   I am trying to have more balance in my relationships.   This tension is a lot different than the tension I felt when I didn’t speak my mind.   I think its healthier,  but since I have always  been one to avoid conflict like the plague,  my life seems a lot more in conflict.  I also don’t necessarily like what it is doing to my relationship, but only have control over my end of things.   If my partner does not like who I have become that may be a bit of a problem.   I think it would be easier for me to return to the way things were…but though I may have always tried to be positive about things…I wasn’t being honest…or happy for that matter.   I am much happier with the person I am becoming.  I have a couple of friends who have suggested I may not necessarily being fair in some of this.   This is somewhat laughable since being fair is my montra. 

I’ve discussed some of this current dilemma with my counselor.   My counselor actually suggested to me that I have been more than fair,  that the journey I am currently on is about being fair to myself for a change.   I will give you an example of the extent of my fairness plight.   I decided to write a priorities list of things that I feel are priorities that need to be dealt with in order,  and asked my partner to do the same.   Well,  in this list I actually switched priorities and added ones that I didn’t feel were priorities at all consolidating in a way my partners “wish list into this”.   He actually thought this was pretty funny,  and said I could not make a new list that was just  “my priorities list”,  .    

Anyhow as I said I am having some difficulities with my attitude a bit…this is related to feeling that I don’t like our effect on each other.  I do not like the person I had become prior to the changes I made,  but feel I keep getting pulled back into these patterns.  I also can feel fairly strongly the conflict that is occurring and I am not overly enthused about this level of conflict being present in my life,  and my children’s lives.   I don’t like the effect that all of my…what I feel are positive changes to myself  are affecting my relationship. 

So this is how I need help….how do I still remain happy with myself and these changes I’ve made,  when I know its impacting my relationship in a negative way.   Most relationships I believe my new empowerment is improving my relationships,  but I believe it is impacting one key relationship in a not so good way. 

In saying this….I want to be brutally honest that I have no intention or desire to go back to the way things were,  or the way I was but how do I make any sense out of this.   I know my worst fear 1 year and a half ago was that my husband and I were on the verge of separating.   He even mentioned the possibility.  He doesn’t remember doing so,  so it must have been in a heated moment.  Now when I have brought it up he says I shouldn’t bring it up unless I want this to happen. 

This is one of many reasons I feel I have had to go to my counselor on my own,  because this is part of a discussion that  may occur at the counsellor,  but neither one of us are ready to talk about this.  I don’t know where this road will lead.  

I hope I am able to get more comfortable with the conflict that is present in my life,  because I want to be true to myself and my feelings. 

Relationships..flowers or weeds…nurture or cope?

Relationships are funny things…   If you don’t nurture them they are like flowers and can wither , whereas weeds I feel are the feelings in relationships that tend to strangle us in our own garden…they grow in their wiley ways  when not tended to…. 

I was very pensive over the last few days…wondering what I had done to deserve to not be invited to a family members wedding,  and it dawned on me that it very likely was nothing I had done…but something I had not done.   I have been very self absorbed in my own issues,  my own healing journey and family that in the last number of years I really feel I have isolated myself from some friends and family.   I didn’t really want to burden others with our “problems” and the issues that often come with having a child diagnosed with Autism.  I would reach out maybe once a year to some of my friends and family,  but after there started being more problems,  I didn’t reach out to certain parts of our family.  I wasn’t available to provide much support for them when they may have needed support.      I know I cannot go back and mend these relationships that have withered,  but I hope its not too late to move forward forging new relationships,  and start to water this garden and bring back some life to it.   I had a strange talk with a family member that also wasn’t invited,  who chose to respond differently to the lack of invite.   In the past,  I too may have chosen to respond from a place of hurt and choose to take these things personally.   It is feeling like this that I feel strongly if not tended too…can really cause a lot of harm to ourselves…and future relationships.  I am thinking that this would not be helpful to me,  or others in my life,  at this stage of my life.   Why must others choose to respond in bitterness,  when they could choose to move forward reach out and build or mend the relationship,  instead of tearing down….or letting the relationship wither and die more.          I have not called this family member in the last year,  so why really should I have been invited.       So I have decided I really need to reflect upon how much I really need to “get out of myself”…my self absorption…and start reaching out to others again.   Part of my journey needs to involve nurturing my relationships with others.  There are so many friendships that I feel I have neglected in so many ways.    In my family,  I always used to be the one to try to nurture our family relationships by planning get togethers.    I sort of gave up on this mission a few years ago after trying unsuccessfully for years to have a couple of “girls outings” a year for my mom and three sisters.  There always seemed to be a reason for it to not get off the ground.   At my Grandmothers funeral,  a month ago my oldest sister announced that she has embraced this mission,  and wants a commitment from each of us sisters, and my mother that we are going to make this happen at least once a year.   My sister wants this to be a “trip” / retreat like weekend…which sounds awesome to me…but part of me fears if we go “too big “ with the planning it won’t get off the ground…as I remember my struggles with the “Girls Nights”  I was trying to plan.     I want to think of what will help this happen.   Its what our family needs…all of the women in our family I feel are getting “lost” from each other including our mother.  We are getting lost in our own lives,  and I really feel that we could be so much better in our own lives…if we would stand by each other  through the good and not so good times.   Yes we are all very strong in our own ways…and pride ourselves in our “independence”…there is that damned pride again…causing relationship problems this time.   I feel I need a mentor of sorts to help me through this a little.   My mother was never really great at showing us how we needed each other,  she was great at nurturing our independence however.    I reflected again upon my discussion with another “mother” figure in my life.  Another strong woman who I could not look to as a mentor,  as she reflected the need to respond with hurt rather than toward a better understanding of how to make things better.   I almost found myself mentoring her,  as I responded to her hurt…suggesting that I didn’t feel this was doing her any good,  or would do her relationship with others any good.  I suggested that I felt I needed to respond from a different place because I did not feel the person was trying to “hurt me” in not inviting me.   I suggested that I was not about to allow my potential relationship with others be affected by this decision,  and would move forward and reach out in a more positive way.    This felt very strange,  it felt like should a 42 year old woman even try to suggest she could mentor a 70 year old woman.   Why not…?  I can learn a lot from her wisdom in many areas of her life,  but I am choosing not to learn from her  places of shame and bitterness.  Shame has had its fair shake at affecting my life,  and I do not want it to have any control on my life.  So,  where do I go from here?  Outwards and onwards on a mission to do my best to nurture those relationships I cherish,  and deal and cope with the other relationships that seem to bring me down to a place I don’t want to be.