Kick in the Butt Power...

So...tonite was session two with my personal trainer.   I told her today I felt she could make a fortune if she could just bottle some of this stuff....the pure motivation.    I would love to be able to kick my own butt this good....but regardless of how hard I try.....     I tend to be pretty easy on myself in comparison.   I could not believe the amount I was sweating in just a short 45 minute session...    And how much I ache.     I thought I had done so good in the last 2 weeks maintaining what I had been taught...  but the truth is....I was going through the motions....but definately not pushing myself to that point.  
So what needs to change to help me get there on my own for the sessions I know I won't have my trainer to kick butt.   Though I may joke and fantasize about the possibility of "bottling"   this tonic of pure motivation...I know that this is just not going to happen.  
I have a plan of Action...which I believe will improve both my attitude around this. and ...my approach . 
I have to start taking the medication - or supplements my Dr. has recommended...though I fear they will make me feel ill as they have in the past...I think that this may have been because I was not physically active.   My Dr. prescribed B12 and pallafer due to low haemoglobin and iron.  This could help increase my energy level.     I also know I have to be more committed to the right diet.   I am not getting near the protein I need for the level of physical activity I am currently doing.   I am currently working out in total 6 nights a week,  with one night off.  
3 of these days are runs between 5 km and 8 km -so about 30 minutes to 50 minutes of cardio
3 of these days are a combination of cardio,  free weights and ab exercises  about 45 minutes to an hour combined
on one day I double up with my run,  my Pilates.   1 hour pilates in total.  plus 30- 50 min run. 
What I have not been doing strictly is adhereing to the diet which brought me so far,  and replenishing the proteins after working out consistently.  

I also have switched teams at work,  and I am finding it increasingly difficult to be able to committ to taking the breaks I need.  These were imperitive to adhereing to the diet.   When I was on the Children's Services team,   team members would commit together to ensure we got the breaks we needed.   I am now finding that though we definately have our own style of team work  and support....that no one seems to take breaks in adult services....alot more Case Managers seem to work as Mobile Case Managers...which means they aren't in the office very much...when they aren't completing assessments,  they are completing paperwork from home offices.   I am too "new" a case Manager to allow myself to do this 100%. plus I can only work from home when I know my children will be in school...as they definately know when I am home...and "find me".  
So...what do I need to do...
Commit to myself to take the breaks I need at work to be able to maintain my diet. 
Commit to myself to ensure the right foods are in the house so I am not tempted to nibble on the kiddies snacks. 
Commit to myself now that my Nanny is only working 3 days a week....to not allow myself to get into the habit of catering to the "dining wants of my family"  and prepare "healthier meals " for everyone  that fit with my diet instead.  
I am to eat 6-7 times a day about 200-300 calories at a time.  
I should be eating about 2/3 protein and 1/3 carbs in my diet...and ofcourse lots of fruit and vegetables.  
I always have been a naysayer for meal supplements,  however I am thinking that this may be the easiest way to get some of the nutritional needs met quickly.  
Tonight I had an awesome Mango protein shake post work out ....and it just rocked my world.   I added lots of frozen mango....and mmmmmm  heavenly.  
We took my measurements tonight which I know are much better than I could have imagined a year ago this time....my shinking breasts....to my chagrin are now just 37 inches,  my waist  33 inches and I don't remember the other measurements.    I will keep you posted regarding the progress.   I am not that concerned about weight at present.   I currently weigh 137 lbs.    I am more concerned with toning my mid section which I know is the hardest feat to acheive....especially 4 babies later.    ( I haven't seen so many stretch marks in one place at any given time...even after my babies births....) Please send me some recipes and recommendations on how to get rid of these "very attractive"  battle scars.  
So I also forgot one very important ingredient to my success.    I totally believe I am highly motivated by the excitement and enthusiasm around me and the support and encouragement I am and have received from friends family and colleagues.    Yes my personal trainer is amazing....but you all are my cheering section  and I thank you and invite you along to continue to cheer on my success.   You can be the power behind my own butt kickin...   keep in mind....I am kickin my butt in the very kindest way.    You have to be "Cruel to be kind"  

Time for the Girls

Well...my 9 year old daughter and I have embarked on a new venture together.   I have set the goal of committing to going out with her one day a month,  and yes I spend other time with her as well...but this day is just for the two of us to talk...to have fun together and grow together.   One thing I always thought I would never do...was sideline the rest of my children due to having a child with special needs...but in fact...the very thing I thought I would never do....I feel I have done...at least to one extent.     In the past year...I have strongly endeavoured to regain some balance in our family..definately with some resistance.  More resistance from my son with Autism,   than anyone.     I think in my efforts to try to keep things fair...which they will never seem to the rest of my children   I at times have overcompensated and let my other children away with way too much.    So establishing some firm boundaries of late has caused some friction and there was definately a need to build some stronger connections....especially with my 9 year old daughter....who really at times strongly reminds me of some 13 year olds.       We had a wonderful time together....the bargain is....she can pick the venue...and what we do...  but we cannot use this outing ,  or restrict her from it as a form of discipline....   Well this didn't bode well today when she had attitude galore and had to be returned home from a shopping outing to the grocery store.   Her father had requested that she not go tonite,  for which she was devastated.   I simply reminded him and her of the agreement that this outing was a must...and the consequence for the earlier behaviour would have to be something else.     This is her time with just me,  after all there are alot of competing variables in my family. 
We have been doing this for the past 3 months.   We went to Windsor overnight for the first month activity...Stratford to see Peter Pan and out for lunch and the peddle boats for the second month and this month she insisted on going to the Palasad for Bowling, Pizza and ofcourse don't forget the games.  
Here's to more great adventures for Mothers and daughters.  We had a talk tonite about eventually inviting Justine,  my 6 year old to be part of these...but for now these will remain just ours until Justine is a little older.
Jasmine was fairly mature about this decision,  but she said she still needs some time with just me.   I even offered her to spend some of the time one on one with her father, maybe alternating months...but she insisted that this is really what she needs at this time. 

Back to too much thinking for my own good!

So our family has been undergoing a very strange journey of late.   We have started to consider what I once felt was an impossibility  for our family.  

I come from a family with fairly strong silent values of “stickin together at all costs..”  

My mother demonstrated this belief for over 14 years before she made a very brave decision to cut all losses and leave my father.  I was just 8 years old at that time…and rebelled by becoming “selectively mute”  for a short while…but long enough for my mother to seek help of a child psychiatrist…one whom explained that anger is played out in many ways….my choice was to be silent.   Though I was angry at the age of 8,  I have grown to realize that the best thing my mother ever did for our family was to leave my father.   She endured many years of abuse before her decision to leave.  

She remarried a few years later,  my stepfather whom adopted my sister and I . Though we were a strange breed of blended family….I learned a lot about sticking it out once again…through good and bad times.  My mother would joke about wanting to  ‘run away from home’ which I suspect was a lot more closer to the truth than she would ever have wanted to admit.

Needless to stay I have endured my fair share of tough times  (yes I do tend towards minimizing things entirely…and these experiences have defined my beliefs of what a family should be,  and what a family can endure.   Some of my beliefs I believe are caused by a rebellion of sorts of attitudes that I have challenged over the years.  ….I have made harsh judgements  in the past about my stepfathers decisions to have very little involvement with my older stepsister whom has a diagnosis of schizophrenia.

Its because of these experiences that I feel that I am struggling with a very tough but real decision I have had to make.   If it weren’t for all my self exploration,  and self improved lifestyle of exercise…and better eating  and treating myself with kindness….I would not have been able to cross this bridge.  

I am still very much struggling ….my head and my heart are in a turmultuous battle….but in my mind I know that I have made the right decision for all of my children,  for me and the rest of the family….    I do not like what we as a family have become even though I know I am very much responsible for creating this world.  There is always so much tension around here you could cut it with a knife…we walk on eggshells at times trying to prevent the inevitable…  

We have decided to start exploring having my eldest son who has a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder placed in another family.   We are exploring an option called Homeshare where we will still be able to be very much involved…

There is no doubt about my love for my son,   but I also love my other children and am starting to love myself enough to know what we have been living is not the healthiest experience for all concerned…including Sean.

My heart really has fun with this one…as nothing could compare to what my mother put up with…this is what I always have said to myself to say…hey  look on the bright side…it could be a lot worse.  

The games we play with ourselves to be able to cope under extreme circumstances.  

My son has the most beautiful smile…he is a true joy to be with  at times….but he is a child of extremes….he experiences fear and anger just as intensely as he experiences joy….and the problem is he has no words for which to express these intense emotions….and doesn’t have controls for which to regulate them.  The terrifying screams….are plainly that…..they can be excruitiating….and I am sure terrifying for some…in fact I have been approached by community members expressing just that  …: do you know how terrifying it is for us to hear that”  ….to which I have responded….can you imagine how terrifying it must be to live with this 24/7  (I am definitely not proud of my rebuttal)  but sometimes people can be very insensitive.)  

So we have taken the first step towards breaking free of  the sort of “prison” of sorts we have created .   Sean has been through residential treatment and his behaviours seem very much improved and under control at present,  but my worst fears are what lies ahead when he goes through puberty.   We can no longer keep him safe as we used to be able to,  he is becoming too strong.     My counselor helped me see this is merely a new chapter in my ongoing grief, though many have said I should not look at this decision as an absolute…my heart cannot help but grieve.  Sean has helped me grow in so many ways and maybe I am afraid of what may happen to me or my family if he is not  fully part of it.  

I can choose to judge myself as harshly as I chose to judge my stepfather ….

I  really want to be kinder to myself than this…and wish I had been kinder to him about those choices. 

If down this journey …it ends in Sean being with another family,  we can still be part of his world and he part of ours….but without all the tension that I know deep down is not good for a single soul …especially Sean.  We can paint a different picture of what it means to be “together” and to love each other.   To love each other enough to be able to let go and break free. 

So I have always believed that I am a stronger person because of all the rocky roads I have endured….and resilience is the name of the street I have chosen to wonder….

I believe my children are fairly resilient…but I want better for them…because maybe things didn’t have to be so hard for me…and maybe I would have become just as good a person….maybe better.  Please give me strength to help me follow through with this decision.   I sometimes feel like rebelling when everyone seems to think this is such a marvelous idea,  just to prove to them…that Sean deserves to be included and part of the family….all in the name of the really strong belief of inclusion. 

Inclusion but at what costs…..

I will have to reframe this one for myself…as I know he will always be “included and considered part of our family”  wherever he ends up…but I don’t think there needs to be any casualties.  Maybe this is a new road… We can grow closer together by being apart…The road towards closeness.     They say to be enmeshed is a prison of sorts…I am beginning to believe this.  

New crazy work out plan......

So I am changing things up in a major way....shaking it up so to say....
I still plan to run  5 km 2 x a week,  and run between 8 & 10 km  1 time a week.  
This will be Sundays,   Mondays and   Friday  nights   
Every other Thursday night I meet with my personal trainer.......she is awesome..truely pure motivation...wish I could motivate myself this good.
My new workout regime will be able to take place at home and at the gym....
At least 10 min cardio to start...
Then free weights....reps of 15-20 x 2   starting with 12 lb weights
arm curls,  chest press while lying down,  squats w weights, something I'd like to call "the bug" from standing position w 8 lb weights crawl into lying position on the floor and using the weights bring yourself to standing position. 
In between every set ofcourse we have to keep our heart rate up....so jumping jacks,  jump squats etc in between...  
then ofcourse some ab work....   the starfish,  crunches

This routine needs to be done about 3x a week...
I plan to do this  on Tuesday,  Thu and Saturdays...and
ofcourse lets not forget about Pilateez on  Monday Nights... 
So it looks like the only night I get off is Wednesday nights....

I absolutely love free weights....   I just set up a mini workout area in my basement...moved my cross trainer down there...thank god I am so short.....my head was kissing the ceiling...
I will let you know how effective this new regime is...
however I know I have to get lean and mean with the diet again...
back to the good carbs....higher protein...low sugar diet that has brought me this far....
with one slight twist.... I know I have to consume many more carbs than before due to running so much
.....
Need to prepare for 2 runs coming up...
I am going to run a 5km run next Sunday-  The Ride n Stride for Autism in London....anyone who wishes to pledge me don't hesitate to respond...

and a 10km run on Sunday October 3rd in Stratford....I hope the weather is nice for this one as I am looking forward to running in this Scenic Venue.  

Sending Strength Hope and Love,

Brenda

Healing my body....from the inside out....

Some Family physicians amaze me with their ignorance to their impact on others,  and their lack of sensitivity with important versus unimportant information.   I say this because I was just recently bombarded by 2 different medical secretaries each with their own agenda calling me with “results” of tests.    Can you imagine being on the receiving end of 2 telephone messages, same day from your doctors office,  each after undergoing a grueling procedure of a mammogram and blood tests and an ultrasound.   What would you think?!    I like to think positively…but when the signs point to something else its difficult to go to that happy place!    So thank heaven that these were “false positives: so to say.    So I needed some B12,  and iron supplements,  and some follow up tests and a referral to a specialist. 

Wipe sweat off brow.   I am truly hopeful that all those years of worry and fret haven’t caught up with me.  My father died of Cancer when he was 58. That is just 16 years older than I am now.  I am not ready for embracing immortality.   I have just started truly living,  and loving being healthy.       So I am making another commitment to myself. 

I need to find ways to settle my racing mind,  to find it peace.  I remember going to a retreat a number of years ago to learn meditation.   I made contact with one of the teachers today,  and plan to attend an upcoming session.   

On the Road to Balance...

So….I feel I have hit an impass…in my journey to rediscover my true self.   I truly felt I had lost myself entirely.  I weighed 180 lbs between  when I started this journey and now….and I truly was drowning emotionally, physically and spiritually.    I never ever believe in doing anything half assed….maybe this is why I allowed it to happen….I allowed motherhood to sort of swallow me whole.  The sacrifices one makes for those they love….I used to believe that this was the only way…however I now totally believe that to be whole…and to truly give to your family…means you must give to yourself the gift of your needs.  

My motto deep down tends to be to go BIG or go Home…   So in the process of this journey….I have far bypassed my initial goal….to physically lose 30 lbs.    I have now lost 40 lbs,   lost 6-8 pant sizes,  and bypassed by goal of being able to run a 5 km run.  

I fail to understand why I am not satisfied with this achievement….but truly….I know I am not “home yet”. 

So though I think I have far bypassed the goals I have set for myself….I have many goals that I know I have shelved in the name of sacrifice.    These goals  need to be embraced and to have their time in the sun.   I have decided to start again with my personal trainer….but I need much more than the physical high I get from working out…and the endorphins that pump through my system to bring me higher…yes this all will help I know…

I have started to see a counselor…..to help explore what I really need.  Yes  What I need…I guess there is a time to embrace being selfish. 

To explore my many emotional blocks and boundaries I have created along the way,  partially to protect myself,  partially out of the expectations I anticipate others have of me.    I have rediscovered that I think way tooo much! 

Who am I….

I am a mother…

Currently highly enmeshed in my children’s worlds

Maybe slightly trying to break free of the preconceived notions of

What a mother should be

As mentioned above I used to believe this always had to mean sacrifice…

I now believe that it means giving….but also sharing

A wise person once said to me to not be a Martyr…

I embraced this with all my heart because I really needed to hear this

Because I was truely drowning. I will be forever grateful.

I need to free my mind…I sort of feel I let it turn a bit to the mush of motherhood.  Worthy knowledge…and rewarding though it be….why must I always think I must entirely surrender my whole self to just one thing wholeheartedly?!  

I love learning and know deep down I need to go back to school to finish my masters to reawaken my passion for knowledge…this may be a long journey,  as financially I know I need to continue to work full time…but one step at a time.  

So there it is….Please join me in this new chapter of my journey to find some balance.

Workout Regime....change it up baby!

Current Work out Regime

Currently work out 4 times a week.   Started with 2 times a week with a personal trainer that gave me that extra kick in the butt that I needed at the time....
Now I'm able to kick my own butt...

Start with a 10-15 minute warm up walk/ jog on the treadmill

Work larger muscle groups first.....to smaller muscle groups...

Leg Press   12-15 reps at 200 lbs  times 2

Leg curls    12-15 reps at 50 lbs   times 2


another leg machine  12- 15 reps at 40 lbs   times 2

Hip Abductor   12-15 reps  at 65    times 2


Arm machines  ( you choose)   12- 15 reps   times 2  70 lbs

chest press   12-15 reps    35lbs  times 2 


Ab Crunch   65 lbs times 20  times 2


In between each set my trainer wanted me to be sure to try to keep my heart rate up and said this is the trick to it all....plus varying the different things done in between...changing it up
15 jump sqwats...these are killers but effective
20 steps with weights
12 lunges with weights
using the step jumping with two feet from floor to step and back down again x 20....definate killers


After all of this I tend to vary between 20 minutes of Cardio and 35 minutes of Cardio
varying between running on the treadmill....walking on treadmill   and using the Elipical even though I have been told the Eliptical was more effective for burning calories.......

Good luck...and make sure to keep in mind I worked up to this....
Start at your own pace with your own weight strength....and duration of Cardio...
If you kill yourself in the beginning...
you won't want to keep coming back...

Keep posted for my next excerpt...where I have added Pilates....and then when I will be Adding the Learn to Run group.....
Here are v

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Diet was the first trick to Master...not quite there yet baby!!

10 Jan 2010 - 02:44:02 am

Diet is the first trick to master....

I love food probably more than the next person...but food controlled me in so many ways...
The way I started was to change my eating habits....
I now eat every 2-3 hours....this helped to kick start my metabolism....
don't skip any meals....Eat about 6 times a day
Try to not eat after 7 pm....unless it is a workout night  and then eat proteins mostly
meals can consist of from 250-300 calories a shot in the beginning
up to 1600 calories / day
Drink lots of water
Cut down- and eliminate most sugars for the most part
cut down on bad carbohydrates....the good ones are still ok in moderation
The right balance of protein, fats, vegetables and fruits


Cutting out my bad addiction to 7 Up I think really made a difference...
I drink water instead

Please check out the before pic  and I will show you an in the middle pic later....and you'll have to stay tuned for the "after" pic...

Attitude...attitude...attitude....

10 Jan 2010 - 04:39:37 am

Attitude...attitude ...attitude..

I know...we hear this alot.
I don't know how many times I will say that Attitude is everything to my 8 year old daughter. 
I have always tried to be an optimist....and think positively....
As a Registered Social Worker by profession....and aspiring to be Art therapist...
I live and breathe encouraging others to ensure they maintain the importance of self care...
I always thought I tried to live by this too....
But 4 children later....one with Autism...I found myself really floundering in this area
I really was feeling overwhelmed....
My friends will be the first to tell you that I would drop by to "kidnap them" to take them out on the town for a "self care fix"  or a little shopping therapy....
but this really didn't put a dent in my self care needs...or my friends for that matter...

Things started to become much clearer for me when I started to work full time.  I wasn't drowning as much but I was getting very tired....burning the candle at both ends you could say...
How on earth could I get enough energy to get a little more time to myself...
I knew this is what I needed....but how.

I had to claim this.....
It wasn't until my son who has Autism started to have even more difficulties than he typically does that this need became apparent enough to me to make me act on it...

Thank You Sean for your screaming tantrums
thank you for being you and helping me realize that I needed help
and needed help fast....

What always had been my "excuse"  sort of became my salvation...
It also helped that we were in crisis enough that we asked for community support and finally have received much needed additional respite. 

This provided more opportunity to help Schedule....my needs....my time.
As a parent of 4 I often have felt guilty taking "me time"...
but in reality  I know if I don't ....I am virtually no good to anyone...

So....there it is...
I started to schedule me time....
I had always tried to schedule this....but the guilt always got in the way.
I always made sure my husband had his music.
So...I claimed this right
and started to go to the gym regularly...
then since I wasn't getting the results I wanted....
i decided I was worth spending a little extra for personal training....
2-3 days a week became 4 days a week.....

I now feel so much better....healthier....
and can't imagine not feeling this good...
It helps me cope better with some of the hard things I have to face...

It helped me see things clearer...
I was in a bit of a fog...and denial
and didn't see how much my family was suffering
through the increasing behaviours of my son's Autism....

It and some straight shooting friends helped me make a hard decision to
have my son recommended for residential treatment.  

I truely believe that the things that challenge us in our lives make us stronger....
I used to believe strongly that God would never throw anything our way we couldn't handle...
Well....I honestly can say I at times have had very strong doubts around this...

I now know that these things are interconnected and yes we will have doubts....
but if I hadn't had some of these more recent struggles...
I know I would not have heard my wake up call to
Get Up Wake Up....Shake It Up and Get Healthy!!!

Best Health to You in 2010......

Love You all!!