Living Congruently Part II

Living congruently Part II

Just in case you didn’t check out part one,  here is the link…just to give this some context

 http://bemybest2010.blogspot.com/2011/06/more-congruencewhat-this-means-for-me.html

So its been a few weeks since my husband and I separated …and I thought I should check in to report progress.    I am feeling really good about this decision,  with the exception of being with my children less often,  so I am full of intention to make the most of every opportunity that I am with my children. 

How am I doing at living what I say,  feel and think….    How am I doing at being honest and true to my heart…or in other words  Living in the Heart.       I feel that most days I am doing great in this area.   I am enjoying the time I have with the children,  I am enjoying some solitude,  which my heart needs right now.         I have done a few silly things,  which I feel sort of steered me off the path a little.. due to some curiosity sparked by my single friends,  but I am trying to undo the damage done,  by reposting a positive profile,  and making it very clear that all I am looking for at present is friendship.  Curiosity killed the cat,  and though it was a good eye opener for me as to what could be,  I feel it is way too early to date.     I really need to focus on being true to my heart,  which part of needs to know I can be strong and do this on my own.    I can develop friendships,  and if this develops into something in the long run so be it…but my intention has to be pure,  and clear.  

I know that God has greater things for me and my family…   I know in my heart that I could destroy this, very easily by jumping into something frivilous.     I need the support of friends that understand what I am going through,  that can give some emotional support,  that we can share some commonalties,  and   some fun.   That is plain and simple.  

I know I made the right decision,  because of the calm and peace I feel most times.   The only time I am not feeling calm,  is when boundaries continue to be contravened by the father of my children.   I know we are way too enmeshed to ever undo this damage.   I have allowed this to happen,  and can’t seem to pull myself out of this bent relationship pattern.     He keeps trying to expand the time he is at the house,  and I keep agreeing to it out of being “ nice and civil”  but then it keeps expanding.    I keep thinking…well its his house too,   which is true,   but the reality is he and I cannot be under the same roof without one or both of us feeling some  negativity or tension for some wrong doing.   This negativity is toxic whether its talked about or not….the problem is it went unsaid way too long.  

We agreed to spend Sundays and some families together as a family.  I think we can do this for the sake of the children,  but I don’t want to send out any mixed messages of hope.   I agreed that since we’d already rented a cottage for part of the week in Port Franks for holidays,  that we could both be there with the kids as long as its clear we are there for the kids and nothing else.     I think by virtue that we sort of are still playing pretend….we are not being truly honest with ourselves or each other.  

I feel that unless we make a clean break,  that there will always be boundaries that will be blurred,  things taken for granted.   We are doing so much better communicating,  things are much more evenly distributed,  but we are still sort of faking it for the sake of the kids.  Yes the kids know we are separated,  but I think there is confusion here,  because everything seems very much status quo as things did before with the exception that we usually aren’t here at the same time.      The other part that really bothers me,  is I have made a point of telling my friends and my family, because I feel its crucial that I have support from them going through this.    He has chosen not to tell most of his friends and family because 1. He is embarrassed,   and 2.)   He feels they won’t understand and doesn’t want to trouble them .  

This made fathers day very difficult for everyone.   I want my children to learn honesty and openness and was forced to ask them not to say anything to their paternal grandparents.     So I really feel this relationship has me in a fix to not live congruently…. 

We are still going to a counselor every couple of weeks to keep things moving forward.   He still has hope we will be able to work things out,  even though I feel I have been making it blatently clear that I do not like myself in this relationship,  and love myself when I am not in it.    Its very clear to me.   

I feel the most loving thing I could do right now is make a clean break for all of us….I thought that is what I had done, but since we haven’t taken any legal action  the hope I guess is still present.  I really don’t trust lawyers much, and financially it is a tough road to take,  if we can do everything civil that is my preference…but when there are so many forged patterns  this just isn’t a good mix.        I have been raising the issue that we knew there were problems two years ago,   but really did nothing to work on our relationship.   That was a choice,  whether it was a conscious choice or not.  That hurt me…any time I allowed myself to think about it.   He didn’t care enough to work on it all that time,  but when the threat of losing me is there,  then he’s willing to give it a fair shake?     But yet has the odacity to threaten me that potentially if I chose back then to bring up the very topic of separation…..then be ready for it to happen.   Yah…I guess I am a little bitter.   I am so ready for this all to be over.    I love him as the father of my children,  he makes a good dad,  but a lousy friend, life partner support, confidant,….

Still a long road to go before my heart is healed    Though I fully believe I am capable of being open to love again… if I am truly honest with myself and others….friendship is all I can muster…in the moment…

Want to be fully present…open to a miracle here to heal this heart.    (and I am way too brilliant to believe that someone else can mend it…this is between me and God and no one else…)     My mom taught me this lesson well……

more congruence...what this means for me...

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.Mohandas Gandhi

Some great thoughts to meditate on this week.   I really want to strive to live a congruent life.   I long to be true and honest with myself and own this kind of happiness in my life and believe I am closer to attaining this.   I have been pretending for far to long that everything was Ok...that somehow I had lost sight of how unauthentic I'd become.   For someone like me that values honesty and truth,   no wonder I had been grappling and unhappy in my relationship...for its the main area that I feel I have been most dishonest with myself.       My husband and I had been married for a little short of 18 years,   we had been together for 4 years prior to our marriage so I would say we've been together for 22 years,  that is more than half my lifetime.   Scary thought.  That is likely why this separation has shocked so many in our lives,  but I so strongly feel it is so right and should have happened so many years ago.   Its how unauthentic I have become in this relationship,  because of my fear of conflict.    I have really endeavoured to challenge my patterns of relating in the relationship but somehow continue to fall short.   So there has been more conflict in this relationship in the last 2 years alone,  since I have been challenging my patterns...than I can ever remember happening.      So he and I were sitting down the other night trying to hash out a contract of sorts,  a schedule of who would be with the children when,  and what all were conditions of the separation.   For some reason he felt that physical affections should still be part of the contract.   ....I guess this shouldn't surprize me very much...because I have been so inauthetic about this....   

2 years ago when we first started seeing a counsellor together at CPRI,  and they suggested we should seek couples counselling because of how "unhealthy" they viewed our relationship.  (Problem is I don't think he respects Social Workers advice,  and the fact that I used to work at CPRI,  and used to be friends and colleagues with the people that were saying this,  I don't believe he really took any of this serious.)   He sought his group counselling which had everything to do with being more available to his children.   This was great and I am grateful for the changes and improvements he has made in his relationships with his children.  I sought individual counselling to work on the "me part of relating".     It came out during our sessions at CPRI that I was disatisfied with the intimacy in our relationship or lack thereoff....no real spiritual connectedness...and poor communication.   He felt that intimacy was the one thing that was great about our relationship.    Problem is we had different definitions of what intimacy truely was....   Well  I never have equated our sexual relationship with intimacy.   It is only one element of intimacy,  and while the sex I believe was good,   the depths of our relationship were not...   I think we hid a little in our "good " sex life and let alot of things hinge on that...       So I think he was pretty shocked,  that I would say that this is something that is off limits.  While I love sex,   I love myself too much to continue to be inauthentic in this arena....   If I do not feel very loving towards someone,  at the moment...why would I continue to pretend and go through the motions....   Just for the sheer physical satisfaction....   I don't feel that is fair to me,  and especially him.   It would give hope,  where there may not be any to have.   Yes,  I will miss the sex,  I have to be honest about that much.... but I used to have sex regardless of how I was feeling., while ..and would feel really aweful after about the dishonesty.   I believe I will be happier...if what I say.... what I think and what I do are in congruence....   I believe this wisdom wholeheartedly....and don't believe it should only apply to my sex life,  and my relationships....but every aspect of my life....    These were the aspects of my life that I had held onto old patterns....and where I really was not being true to my heart...

Bittersweet...times of change....

Bittersweet that in order to achieve serenity and peace,  I am forced to make a decision to be apart more often from my children,  but I don’t feel it would be fair to have their father not as involved in their lives,  after all the one area I have seen some growth and improvement in for him,  has been him wanting to spend more time with his kids,  who am I to take this away from him,  or from my children for that matter.   There has been a building tension in our relationship for the last 15 years,  it blows once in a while…and then there is calmness for a while…but the tension can get so thick at times…

I think it has a lot to do with our poor communication with each other…and avoidance tendancies…

I hold myself partially responsible here…I have always “tried to address” the issue…wanted the communication to improve…but get so damn wimpy about it and wishy washy …after I address it…it may improve briefly…but then fall flat……and then ofcourse I don’t like to “nag”  so I leave it alone….until…ofcourse it builds again…   I

I have tried to change my personal responses to our patterns of relating through counseling…but found that  though I could change my outward reactions,  my inward reactions were still very bitter, tense,  resentful,  hurt…..

Its because I really believe I need emotional support,  mutual respect and open communication in my relationships…and its something that though I have tried,   has really never been present.  This was fine when I didn’t feel as good about myself I guess…but I am really struggling with it now….

My counselor suggested that maybe I need accept this is never going to change,  and if it doesn’t…can I live with this fact….  

Well…like I have mentioned before…  I really have grown in the last two years where I feel so much better about myself…all with one exception…in my relationship with my spouse.

We r now going to try it separately…

I notified Community Services Coordination Network as I felt they should be aware of this.   We have our eldest son who has Autism placed on a waiting list for placement.   I never anticipated that this decision to separate would impact his priority on the wait list,  but feel it has.   Only a week after I notified CSCN,  I was advised by the coordinator of the HomeShare program,  they may have a potential placement for our son.   I’m a little taken aback by this.   As was my son’s father,  who for the first time ever…identified that maybe he felt this was too soon for placement.   I fought this so much…and didn’t want Sean placed for the longest time…  but really strongly feel that together Rob and I always struggled with communication…and these breakdowns often posed some risks to Sean…  

I believe that Rob and I ended up staying together for a lot longer than we ever should have,  due to the fear that I had on trying it alone with a child with Severe behaviours/ Autism/ intellectual delay and three other children.   I have overcome this fear,  as things are much clearer now…and I realize I don’t think I was doing anyone any favours by trying to hold this all together.   I believe that when I am with Sean and the other kids alone,  I am much more hypervigilant…which I know isn’t the greatest…but know I can trust I won’t allow Sean out of my sight…I am not relying on anyone else watchful eye…except the support workers ofcourse…     But when it was Rob and I,   I would become lax,  and trust that while he was watching him,  I could let my guard down a little…well the problem was the lack of communication…if someone stopped watching…the torch has to be passed to someone without the assumption that its just gonna happen…and this is usually when Sean took opportunities to take off….I still believe my other 3 children suffer some negligence when I have to be so devoted to keeping a hypervigilant lookout to Sean, to ensure his safety…so I believe a placement for him is a necessary evil.  We will still have plenty of great times together as a family,  it just will be under different circumstances…and our definition of family is evolving.  

I’m not blaming anyone,  I think it’s a bad pattern he and I developed together…and its got over 20 years of habit to overcome….I am not holding my breathe on this one…   and I think I have given up hope that anything will change.  Again…I don’t think It would be overly fair to expect this kind of change of anyone…I think he can change a little…but fear I have way too many expectations,  way too many dreams…

The resentments are also about not sharing the same priorities in life in general,  the same ideas on parenting…there are so many differences…but I think the worst thing is the constant sarcasm…which I used to love…but have learned to hate…I always feel mocked and always feel not listened to, nor respected.  The lack of consistency is a problem…I fear will continue to be a problem with our new system,   but atleast we won’t be under the same roof at the same time to cause more tension with it.

The worst part of all of this is the pain I see it causing my children.   We have both told the children how much we love them,  that this isn’t really about them,  but that we really don’t see eye to eye and don’t really get along.   My 9 year old told me several weeks ago she’d noticed that her dad and I weren’t always getting along very well,  and this hurt her.  Well   this was useful information when talking to her about why we were doing this.   She seems to understand a bit about the tension,  and how we both seem calmer when we r going it alone,  believe it or not.   

I know how aweful I felt when my mom left my dad when I was 8,  the difference is the police were at my home weekly,  lived just down the street from the station,  but domestic violence is no one’s friend.  I think that is why this tension cycle that Rob and I had seemed all too familiar…and I always feared the big blow outs…no one was ever really hurt…at least physically….   Probably a lot of emotional scars. 

Even though my family life growing up was less than normal,  violence ridden… I still was angry at my parents for separating.   I don’t expect this will be easy,  but believe they will understand in the long run.   It took me a long time to believe it…but now believe it was the best thing my mother ever did for us,  and for her.