more congruence...what this means for me...

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.Mohandas Gandhi

Some great thoughts to meditate on this week.   I really want to strive to live a congruent life.   I long to be true and honest with myself and own this kind of happiness in my life and believe I am closer to attaining this.   I have been pretending for far to long that everything was Ok...that somehow I had lost sight of how unauthentic I'd become.   For someone like me that values honesty and truth,   no wonder I had been grappling and unhappy in my relationship...for its the main area that I feel I have been most dishonest with myself.       My husband and I had been married for a little short of 18 years,   we had been together for 4 years prior to our marriage so I would say we've been together for 22 years,  that is more than half my lifetime.   Scary thought.  That is likely why this separation has shocked so many in our lives,  but I so strongly feel it is so right and should have happened so many years ago.   Its how unauthentic I have become in this relationship,  because of my fear of conflict.    I have really endeavoured to challenge my patterns of relating in the relationship but somehow continue to fall short.   So there has been more conflict in this relationship in the last 2 years alone,  since I have been challenging my patterns...than I can ever remember happening.      So he and I were sitting down the other night trying to hash out a contract of sorts,  a schedule of who would be with the children when,  and what all were conditions of the separation.   For some reason he felt that physical affections should still be part of the contract.   ....I guess this shouldn't surprize me very much...because I have been so inauthetic about this....   

2 years ago when we first started seeing a counsellor together at CPRI,  and they suggested we should seek couples counselling because of how "unhealthy" they viewed our relationship.  (Problem is I don't think he respects Social Workers advice,  and the fact that I used to work at CPRI,  and used to be friends and colleagues with the people that were saying this,  I don't believe he really took any of this serious.)   He sought his group counselling which had everything to do with being more available to his children.   This was great and I am grateful for the changes and improvements he has made in his relationships with his children.  I sought individual counselling to work on the "me part of relating".     It came out during our sessions at CPRI that I was disatisfied with the intimacy in our relationship or lack thereoff....no real spiritual connectedness...and poor communication.   He felt that intimacy was the one thing that was great about our relationship.    Problem is we had different definitions of what intimacy truely was....   Well  I never have equated our sexual relationship with intimacy.   It is only one element of intimacy,  and while the sex I believe was good,   the depths of our relationship were not...   I think we hid a little in our "good " sex life and let alot of things hinge on that...       So I think he was pretty shocked,  that I would say that this is something that is off limits.  While I love sex,   I love myself too much to continue to be inauthentic in this arena....   If I do not feel very loving towards someone,  at the moment...why would I continue to pretend and go through the motions....   Just for the sheer physical satisfaction....   I don't feel that is fair to me,  and especially him.   It would give hope,  where there may not be any to have.   Yes,  I will miss the sex,  I have to be honest about that much.... but I used to have sex regardless of how I was feeling., while ..and would feel really aweful after about the dishonesty.   I believe I will be happier...if what I say.... what I think and what I do are in congruence....   I believe this wisdom wholeheartedly....and don't believe it should only apply to my sex life,  and my relationships....but every aspect of my life....    These were the aspects of my life that I had held onto old patterns....and where I really was not being true to my heart...