Living Congruently Part II

Living congruently Part II

Just in case you didn’t check out part one,  here is the link…just to give this some context

 http://bemybest2010.blogspot.com/2011/06/more-congruencewhat-this-means-for-me.html

So its been a few weeks since my husband and I separated …and I thought I should check in to report progress.    I am feeling really good about this decision,  with the exception of being with my children less often,  so I am full of intention to make the most of every opportunity that I am with my children. 

How am I doing at living what I say,  feel and think….    How am I doing at being honest and true to my heart…or in other words  Living in the Heart.       I feel that most days I am doing great in this area.   I am enjoying the time I have with the children,  I am enjoying some solitude,  which my heart needs right now.         I have done a few silly things,  which I feel sort of steered me off the path a little.. due to some curiosity sparked by my single friends,  but I am trying to undo the damage done,  by reposting a positive profile,  and making it very clear that all I am looking for at present is friendship.  Curiosity killed the cat,  and though it was a good eye opener for me as to what could be,  I feel it is way too early to date.     I really need to focus on being true to my heart,  which part of needs to know I can be strong and do this on my own.    I can develop friendships,  and if this develops into something in the long run so be it…but my intention has to be pure,  and clear.  

I know that God has greater things for me and my family…   I know in my heart that I could destroy this, very easily by jumping into something frivilous.     I need the support of friends that understand what I am going through,  that can give some emotional support,  that we can share some commonalties,  and   some fun.   That is plain and simple.  

I know I made the right decision,  because of the calm and peace I feel most times.   The only time I am not feeling calm,  is when boundaries continue to be contravened by the father of my children.   I know we are way too enmeshed to ever undo this damage.   I have allowed this to happen,  and can’t seem to pull myself out of this bent relationship pattern.     He keeps trying to expand the time he is at the house,  and I keep agreeing to it out of being “ nice and civil”  but then it keeps expanding.    I keep thinking…well its his house too,   which is true,   but the reality is he and I cannot be under the same roof without one or both of us feeling some  negativity or tension for some wrong doing.   This negativity is toxic whether its talked about or not….the problem is it went unsaid way too long.  

We agreed to spend Sundays and some families together as a family.  I think we can do this for the sake of the children,  but I don’t want to send out any mixed messages of hope.   I agreed that since we’d already rented a cottage for part of the week in Port Franks for holidays,  that we could both be there with the kids as long as its clear we are there for the kids and nothing else.     I think by virtue that we sort of are still playing pretend….we are not being truly honest with ourselves or each other.  

I feel that unless we make a clean break,  that there will always be boundaries that will be blurred,  things taken for granted.   We are doing so much better communicating,  things are much more evenly distributed,  but we are still sort of faking it for the sake of the kids.  Yes the kids know we are separated,  but I think there is confusion here,  because everything seems very much status quo as things did before with the exception that we usually aren’t here at the same time.      The other part that really bothers me,  is I have made a point of telling my friends and my family, because I feel its crucial that I have support from them going through this.    He has chosen not to tell most of his friends and family because 1. He is embarrassed,   and 2.)   He feels they won’t understand and doesn’t want to trouble them .  

This made fathers day very difficult for everyone.   I want my children to learn honesty and openness and was forced to ask them not to say anything to their paternal grandparents.     So I really feel this relationship has me in a fix to not live congruently…. 

We are still going to a counselor every couple of weeks to keep things moving forward.   He still has hope we will be able to work things out,  even though I feel I have been making it blatently clear that I do not like myself in this relationship,  and love myself when I am not in it.    Its very clear to me.   

I feel the most loving thing I could do right now is make a clean break for all of us….I thought that is what I had done, but since we haven’t taken any legal action  the hope I guess is still present.  I really don’t trust lawyers much, and financially it is a tough road to take,  if we can do everything civil that is my preference…but when there are so many forged patterns  this just isn’t a good mix.        I have been raising the issue that we knew there were problems two years ago,   but really did nothing to work on our relationship.   That was a choice,  whether it was a conscious choice or not.  That hurt me…any time I allowed myself to think about it.   He didn’t care enough to work on it all that time,  but when the threat of losing me is there,  then he’s willing to give it a fair shake?     But yet has the odacity to threaten me that potentially if I chose back then to bring up the very topic of separation…..then be ready for it to happen.   Yah…I guess I am a little bitter.   I am so ready for this all to be over.    I love him as the father of my children,  he makes a good dad,  but a lousy friend, life partner support, confidant,….

Still a long road to go before my heart is healed    Though I fully believe I am capable of being open to love again… if I am truly honest with myself and others….friendship is all I can muster…in the moment…

Want to be fully present…open to a miracle here to heal this heart.    (and I am way too brilliant to believe that someone else can mend it…this is between me and God and no one else…)     My mom taught me this lesson well……

The attitudes of ascension...

Renewed energy:

My recent journey has brought me to the realization…that I have been relying on the infusion of energy and joy that I  get from  working out, and running…and seem to be busying myself to the 9nth degree again…not leaving room for the spiritual part of me.   When I’m out of kilter,  things will falter…and my attitude starts to suffer.   

I will parallel this to back when Sean was really struggling behaviourally,  when I too was burning out…right before I realized I could do no more on my own strength…   I had been to my son’s psychiatrist…and its funny that I pointed out with an allusion to narrative therapy that me holding a construction masterpiece together…in this Dr. office…for fear of Sean having a meltdown…was very much like I felt I was doing with the rest of our lives…I felt like a low bearing wall for our family keeping it all together…….and the fact that at the time I was doing fairly poorly from a mental health stand point,  spiritually, emotionally and physically…it…like Sean’s construction could fall apart at any minute. 

I feel I personally have come along way from this place, emotionally, spiritually, and physically…there are still days I question my mental stability…..but I forced change…I said no more to me feeling like I was doing it all…and we are all better for it.   The part that I still feel like is on the verge of falling apart is our family,  but I no longer will accept full responsibility for maintaining this,  its not that I have given up,  I just do not feel that this was a balanced approach,  and still feel drawn to take over the reigns at time…to “try to make it all better”.    Classic…

So I decided to get back to basics,  and return to some of my love and search for peace and my relationship with God.   I had started back to meditation on my own,  but was really feeling something was missing.   I always felt more in touch with God when I was running,  and when I am exploring nature but really felt there needed to be more, …more peace of mind.   I know I wasn’t really taking enough time for meditation,  I was mostly only practicing open eyed ascension techniques…and knew I wanted to go back to a retreat to relearn what I was missing so much. 

It’s the attitudes that I am striving for in my life….

The attitudes to help me overcome discouragement,  and at times struggles with my faith,  with my beliefs,   with the pain that I see everyday and always question.   I need to quiet my mind…because though I love being so curious,  it sometimes gets the better of me,  and has me overwhelmed beyond belief….I love that I can feel so deeply…but sometimes the rollercoaster has me and others in my world spinning.  

The attitudes which we learned techniques to meditate on….during the Ascension retreat were as follows :  What I love so much about these attitudes and techniques is that they are universally spiritual,  and anyone from any faith can practice them,  and bring their own belief system to.   No judgements…its whatever works for you…you infuse them with your own faith and you need to remember that what ever you do,  do not use a term with them that brings any negative connotation/ memory for your heart.

Attitude of Praise:

Attitude of Gratitude:

Attitude of Love:

Attitude of Compassion

I felt so awesome and refilled with Joy after attending the Friday and Saturday parts of this retreat,  I was discouraged that I couldn’t attend the Sunday,  but the reality is my family needs me also.  I am grateful I had the opportunity to attend as much as I did.  

So…I’ve been warned when you reintroduce these attitudes into your life you need to commit to at least 20 minutes of meditation every morning and 20 minutes before going to bed to regain its full effect in one’s life, as well as open eyed ascension.  Well having a bit of a rebellious spirit…and believing this is the creative side of me…this  makes it more challenging….  Part  of the warning is that you will be faced with challenges beyond belief as reasons not to spend this extra time.  I know this happened last time after spending close to 300 on the retreat,  I only lasted several weeks with the commitment of the meditation,  then somehow justified that open eyed ascending would do,  because time constraints wouldn’t allow otherwise….the things you tell yourself.  And ofcourse it took very little time at all to even forget the open eyed part of the ascenscion….I am just thankful that while running one day…the thought returned to me…that it was time to renew my faith,  my attitudes…While I’ve never been an overly negative person,  I am confronted by negativity….its impossible to be present in this world…and aware of what is happening at each in every moment without being blasted in the face with the negativeity out there.   I struggle…and at times on my own faith and strength…fail miserably to fight these attitudes and succumb quite easily and at times readily to them….  Damn it sometimes it feels good  to be angry…and I do believe that the full range of emotions is essential…to ensure you are really dealing with how you feel…and not just pushing them away,  or sweeping them under a carpet.  Ofcourse a social worker would say this,  but so believe it to be true.  

I am fortunate to have a few friends,  and my counselor that have helped support me through my roller coaster ride of feelings,  I do wish however I received more support from others in my life…when they are feelings related to relationships,  but I feel I have learned down this long road this is futile to expect any change,  and I can only change my role, my reactions  and relationship to others…I have absolutely no control over others feelings,  or lack of comfort with them, their ability or lack of ability to show support. 

Well I am just as busy as I was back then…if not busier….but I definitely have so much more energy than I ever did,   and I cannot allow myself to justify not ascending.   I need to commit to 20 minutes every morning,  and every nite.   So why am I surprised that Monday I was faced with my first challenge,  I was faithful to this commitment all day Sunday,  including before the race,  and before bed Sunday nite,  Monday morning,   but then I was in so much pain,  and frustration on Monday night….I allowed my attitude to win out.   

So back to basics again tonight, and I have to thank a friend for posting some nice videos by
Anthony DeMelo,  a spiritual teacher I followed a few years back,  to bring me back to the crossroads of what its all about.  The thing about feelings…is that they will come,  and they will go….If I am Aware….I will still feel them…I will not be sleepwalking through this life.   I may even feel them more intensely…but the awareness will help with my attitude….it will bring me back to the need to ascend…to be closer in relationship with God……. To the joy...the praise,  the love,  the compassion…

Its how I am dealing with coping with my relationship to my world.   I don’t want to be asleep anymore…I want to be present…. Even though some of these things are very painful to cope with…and I just at times feel like running for the hills….I know that deep in my soul there is better for me and my family if I choose to be present.  

Busying myself beyond belief sometimes I think is my way of hiding, of avoidance and though I love being busy…I need to make time for the spiritual part of my life that at times has been missing. 
Back to basics…trying to find some balance again….finding peace and joy.