Downside of the upside...

I have always tried to look on the upside of things,  and at times I have been called a bit of a dreamer.    I wonder how many people would find me delusional.    I only say this,  as sometimes I fight so hard to maintain a positive outlook,  when at times things to others would appear pretty grim.  Maybe my husband is not as negative as I always think he is…Maybe he is just being a realist,  and as he puts it my head is in the sand.      I choose to come from a different place,  when things seem dismal,  I want to believe there is a light at the end of the tunnel.   Its this hope that carries me through.   Life has been good to me in the last year in a lot of ways.   I have fought to get to a place where I am feeling pretty good about myself.  I used to beat myself up a lot about not being quite where I wanted to be in my life yet.   I used to be hard on myself about not being able to be everything that my eldest son with Autism needed me to be.  I am much kinder to myself now.  

  So for those who have been following my proclaimation of hope and my journey my struggle and attitude today may seem a little different than usual.   I need for others to understand that though I really want to see the upside of things,  that there are days that I find this so difficult.    To have had such a wonderful day yesterday…..and then to experience the day we had today just shocks my system into disbelief.   This bloody roller coaster can just trample my nervous system…and make me feel like all the good work I’ve done to heal myself can fall apart and melt into a heap on the floor.    I know I am not going to let it,  but at times this is how I feel. 

Because my eldest son,  who has Autism has been doing fairly good lately,   I feel that we lulled ourselves into letting our guard down a bit.    I am usually pretty hypervigilant about making sure that either my husband or eye always have one eye on where our son is 100% of the time.  This is because he can get into a lot of trouble really fast,  re: dumping out soap containers,  laundry soap containers,   making concoctions/ science experiments with spices , butter and other things from the refrigerator or the worst case scenario…which happens about once every couple of years and makes me panic stricken…disappears.    We spent the morning registering for George Bray Hockey- a hockey league for children with special needs, then going for a bikeride.  Afterwards we ate lunch…seems like a typical weekend day.   Our son finished his lunch as he usually does before we did.   I thought he had gone into the front room to his computer.  He loves googling images of Disney dvd’s,  and more recently of tropical islands,  waterfalls and sandcastles.   I think my husband and I both assumed the other was watching our son.  We should know better by now I know!   He has been so good lately to entertain himself a little in his room. His rt tibia/ fibia had been broken in a trampoline mishap the end of the summer and until about 2 weeks ago he had been wheelchair bound.    So after I checked our phone messages,  and realized Sean was not in his room,  I paniced a little,  and a little more once I saw the back door open,  and my husband had no clue where our Son was.  My heart sunk.    I directed my husband to go search for Sean in the van while I called 911.  Its sad to say,  but the Police advised us last “missing” incident that we should always call 911 first,  since he can get pretty far in moments,  and every second counts to help them be able to find him.    Sean must have exited the house through the back door,  as the front one was bolted,   and climbed the fence as he was no where in the yard.   The police told us afterwards that they had over 15 police officers dispatched looking for Sean.   Two of them came to the house to help me search the house top to bottom,  and comb the backyard, me praying all the while.   I half hoped that he had decided to hide in a closet,  which he used to do,  but he hasn’t for several years.   Less than 10 minutes later,  one of the police officers,  London’s finest received a call and said they’d found him.   He had made it from our house to the King Edward  Street Bridge,  quite a hike.   The police officer asked me to join him as my son was presenting some challenges for the police to keep him contained to the area.  No surprise here.     So I hopped into his cruiser,  sobbing,  trying to catch my breathe,   my husband arrived home and I directed him to stay with the other 3 children.    We sped away sirens wailing,  the Police officer cautioned me….”you’ll want to put on your seatbelt as we’ll be going pretty fast”.   Fast is an understatement.  I felt like I was in a police chase,  but the destination was my son Sean.   

It didn’t take me long at all to get Sean calm and agreeable to get into the cruiser.  He argued (as much as a fairly non verbal child can) about what he wanted to do.  Kept pointing,  and signing “walk” towards Vauxhall Park.  The officer commented that he was pretty “persistent”.  I commented back that he didn’t know the half of it.     I did thank all the officers of London’s Finest for everything they had done to help Sean so quickly.   I am so thankful,  we were so lucky not to have lost him. I don’t dare even let my mind wonder into the dark places of what could have happened.     Once he knew the answer was absolutely no,  and once the Police received direction from me to “Please not give him the stuffed dog”,  which they asked me if they could give him.    I suggested I felt he didn’t need any reinforcement for what just happened.   It was a pretty “exciting” day from his perspective.   He laughed excessively when he got home,  and tried a number of times to escape again.   Back to 100% 1-1 surveillance for him I say!.  

So I know we had already made a decision to have Sean placed,   I had started to toy with the idea a little of not doing so,  as he was doing what I felt was so well,  but I knew that we weren’t ever going to be able to provide Sean with 100% of what he needs.  This may sound like I am being hard on myself,  but I am actually beginning to wonder who would be able to provide this under similar circumstances?   I do feel Sean has come such a long way,  but the reality is,  that the bigger he is and becomes it will be so much more difficult for us to contain him and keep him safe.   Having 3 other children makes it extremely difficult for us to give Sean the 100% supervision and consistency  that he requires,  and to provide for the needs of the other 3 at the same time.   This is our reality.  

So instead of beating myself up like I used to be so good at doing, and crying myself to sleep.   I instead chose a different path,    after he and the other children were safe and sound in bed asleep,  I hugged all my children,  Sean received probably over 20 hugs this afternoon ( I’m surprised he didn’t try to run again after that).   Though I would not allow myself to go for my Sunday Night run,  for fear that Sean would try to “run after me” .    I went downstairs to my workout area and sweated it out and treated myself to a protein shake afterwards.    We made it through another day…this one more difficult than most.