Run killing fear...

I love running…but entirely believe I am sort of an addict….I tend to be a bit fanatical about things,  always have…and it is these tendancies that I believe scared me straight for quite a while when I was just a teenager.   People from my past bring up this crazy party that I had when I was a teen…one I unfortunately wasn’t with it enough to recall any of the finer…fun moments and specifics ….a little embarrassing…but apparently it was a great party.  This party got me pretty near kicked out of the house,  police were called,  neighbours butted in…I remember one thing…feeling I had lost control of things…. My mom’s bbgun went missing…a friend that wasn’t a drug user, got her drink spiked with acid,  I freaked out on the bitch I was sure that did it …Totally wasted days…

I would say I was heading no where fast…When my mother said I was kicked out,  I took her word for it …packed my bags and went to Sarnia.  I was too embarrassed to really ask for help of any friends,   stayed in a friends garage for the night.  

I know I had a problem back then,  I never really got into any hard drugs,  alcohol was my thing…but what scared me I was starting to drink in the mornings before school.  

A “friend” of mine…well I thought he was a friend of mine used me to transport drugs from one school to the other because I had attended 3 different high schools so knew a lot of people..mostly acquaintances…I was gullible enough to believe that I didn’t really have a problem because I never had to buy my drugs,   I earned them.   Fortunately I was never caught.     Do I think I was an addict …not really…but I believe I have really bad genes when it comes to this…and I believe if I hadn’t gone straight when I did,  that I would have been in trouble.  

When I say I have bad genes…I mean that my father was an alcoholic,  whether by osmosis of environment and experience,  or by genes,   I learned quite young the control this drug could gain over someone’s life,   I learned the heights it could take someone,  and the depths of despair it could leave one in.   My father had been a very successful businessman,  however his alcoholism and addiction to prescription drugs cost him dearly.  It cost him his family,  the love of his life,  my mother.  The things I witnessed as a young child were truly horrific. (Witnessed moreso hearing than seeing but just as horrific)   Noone should ever have to endure any of this,  but such is the tradgedy and control of addictions and the impact and causualties it costs. 

So I vowed that when I got straight I would make certain that I would never be in a relationship with anyone who was a slave to any drug. I and my partner remained “straight”  drug free for over 5 years post high school.   We gradually re introduced social drinking,  but I do mostly feel in control now.    Surprize surprise,  I ended up marrying someone who had been in rehab..we joked about it at first about him getting brainwashed at Brentwood, and was a sponsor for Narcotics Anomynous…and have lived the last 20 years in a codependent relationship riddled with tensions, avoidance… fears….we just might have well been slaves to a drug during the process…I sometimes think…it would be less painful.  He asked me about 6 months ago when we were out,  and he was with his musician buddies which clearly do drugs,  whether he could…I told him that I couldn’t and wouldn’t stop him,  however ofcourse I was not comfortable with him using when I know he used to have issue with it.   I don’t have issue with anyone using…I have issue with people who once had no control using. 

So knowing that I believe I have an “addictive” personality of sorts…and tend to get a bit fanatical about certain things,  I find it interesting that I am so hooked on running.   I have done a bit of research into running highs.  Here’s a link to an article  http://www.lehigh.edu/~dmd1/sarah.html

The feeling that I feel when running is quite incredible,  and I feel I am hooked.  

I am really not having issue with this one at all…because I feel it’s a natural high… I work damn hard to reach them peaks of pleasure and pain….and I feel so much closer to God through my running its incredible.    Can addiction be a good thing.. I believe it depends upon what you are addicted to…and how it ends up affecting one’s life..…I believe it can,  however I know I can get pretty miserable if anything stands in the way of me getting my “running fix”  which I believe is a bit of a problem.   I need to find some way to gain better control of my attitude around this.  

Considering my background,  I am quite empassioned about things that I feel can make a difference in the lives of those who are addicted.   I once thought I wanted to be an addictions counselor,  but learned enough about myself that that probably would not have been a good choice for me.   I am supportive of harm reduction programs,  believe fairly strongly that some drugs are better and safer than alcohol,  in moderation ofcourse,  and that many of the evils that exist in the drug world could be made better by some tranformations in peoples attitudes towards them,   this I believe could only happen through changes in drug laws to allow for some legalization and regulation of safer drugs.

Yes,  there will always be addictions regardless of lessening controls,  but once this prohibition is lifted,  then at least more “real control” can happen,  more acceptance of programs that can really work to make a difference in an addicts life.  

My dad lost big time,  he lost his family…many others lose much more including their lives.    My sister was estranged from my father for many years.   I however chose to remain involved in his life,  though he continued to be a slave to drugs until about a year before he died.   Quite painful to watch,  it took him getting Throat Cancer,  a tracheotomy,  and  later lung cancer for him to stop.   After he died we came across a psychology report from the psych ward at the local hospital suggesting my father in his later years suffered from “cognitive distortion”  from the effects of prolonged drug use. 

I still remember the day of my Fathers funeral,  while I had a relationship with my dad,  had forgiven him for the many sins he had committed against me and my family  (I still find it easier to blame the drugs) than the man himself… and my sister who hadn’t had a relationship with him…she chose to do a reading that really hurt like Hell…she read a passage from a poem by TS Elliot called The Hollow Man….    How dare she  I felt…she didn’t know where he was at when he died…or how humbled he was as a man,  living in poverty …and all alone…

I guess that’s how she could bare to know she had no relationship with him….if he was “Hollow”   there was nothing to lose.  

It wasn’t easy…but I understand why she did what she did. 

So….why do I care so much….because I don’t want to be a slave to the fear.   I have prayed for peace,  that God would give me the strength  to never be a slave to addiction.  When I am confronted by any addict through my work,  in my life… I am humbled…to think…wow…this could have been me.

I’ve embraced a new attitude in the last year or so that has served me well…it doesn’t however serve all my relationships very well…but it has freed my spirit…

“Do one thing everyday that SCARES  you- Elenor Roosevelt   At least I can  say I strongly believe I no longer am running from anything…on to bigger and better things.

two way street..

So…I am having some issues of late and have decided I need to head back to my counsellor…problem is my counsellor is on vacation for a couple of weeks.  Along this journey…I have been seeking spiritual,  physical and emotional balance…and I am definitely having difficulty in the emotional arena…as it directly is impacted by relationships.    I really feel at peace about who I am,  and who I am becoming…but like I’ve mentioned before seem to keep getting sucked back into some kind of vortex…of patterns that don’t serve anyone very well.   I probably am overreacting...to being treated like a child of sorts...because really isn't this what I am aiming for by trying my damnest to have a child like heart...

I do not really understand why so many people I am coming into contact with more recently seems to think that the answer to all of lifes problems is great sex.   There really has to be more to relationships than this…and my issue over the last 20 years or so has been seeking intimacy where I really feel there has been very little.   Intimacy with God is one thing…Intimacy with a human being is something entirely different and it takes two…so I totally know I am somehow to blame for how things are…

What can I do to make things better…do I still want to... or even think it is possible…What is it that I really need…I sort of got lost for the longest time meeting everyone elses needs…this sort of got buried…Thankfully resurrected..

Too many questions…   I am no longer content to just accept things the way they are because I deserve better,  we all do for that matter.  

My realities...

Multiple realities?   Man am I f#%ked up some times…  There I go judging myself harshly again.  When will I learn that that doesn’t serve me well at all.   It certainly has not over the last 20 years.  

This came up because I was chatting with a friend on facebook about some of my beliefs.   I made a statement about realities…and was told that I could only really have one but could change it if it wasn’t working for me.   I see my life very much in layers…and while I do believe these layers interact,  and intersect,  if I am honest with myself I think it would be nice and “neat”  and tidy  if I could compartimentalize these.   Black and white thinking …..I know deep down…can’t really happen.      

I say this,  because  I would just love to be able to keep separate,  the parts of my life,  that I am feeling so much satisfaction,  fulfillment,  and beauty in  from the parts that are causing me so much pain.   I know I need to give this one over to God.   I think I sometimes must enjoy the struggle a bit too much,  because I seem to insist on going through these things before I can just Let Go.      So I am very happy with my current social sphere,  I am becoming more satisfied with my relationship with myself and how good,  self confident I feel about myself,   for once in my life I am satisfied with my job,  however I know I am still not quite where I want to be,  this level of my reality could stand improvement…,   I love my children with my heart and soul,   I am very proud of the progress I have made to improve my physical health and well being.   There really is only one part of my life that does not seem in sinc with the rest of my life,  my reality….but because….it all is interconnected it is throwing a huge skew into the mix,   and bringing pain where I feel there needs to be happiness and peace.     

In order that I don’t repeat what I have already written in a previous blog,  I am going to take you back on a journey to where I was about 5 months ago,   I was in a bit of an attitude funk….here’s the link. 

http://bemybest2010.blogspot.com/2010/11/attitude-funkwill-you-please-help-me.html

While I don’t believe I am in as much of a rut and attitude funk…it is because I feel I have made a conscious decision to make the most of each moment,  however I have done nothing whatsoever really to work on that one aspect of my life that I know just isn’t right.  I purposefully have avoided this one because of the fear of not being able to manage “alone” and part of me really thinks this is the likely outcome.     I have 4 children,  one with Autism,  and another with special needs and I want to be sure that all my children are safe.   I am fearful I could not provide the level of safety and security that my family needs going it alone.    And  the World of Autism..doesn’t cope well with Change…don’t you know..…I would be fearful that it would throw things into a bit of a crisis state,  and force an issue of having to have Sean placed a lot earlier…than this would need to happen otherwise.  Yes,  we had decided quite a while ago down this road that Sean should be on a wait list for placement,  because we know how long this process really is,  because our family was in crisis 2 years ago,  and came very close to falling apart back then,  and knew probably deep down it would be tempting fate,  to atleast not do some proactive planning given the kind of extremes Sean can go through at times.   But I guess I would not be alone,  would I.       Until tonite,  I had not given this over to God,  for fear of what this may mean.   I don’t feel as afraid anymore regardless of the outcome,  because I know  we will be okay.   Like I said before,  my definition of family really has gone through a transformation of sorts.  Its been evolving.   I know one thing…I need to reach out and pray for better for me and my family.   I know deep down…though I am happy in so many levels of my life,  that the one area that has the “unhappiness” hold on me…keeps tainting the rest of my reality…and I don’t think that is healthy for me,  my children,  or anyone for that matter.   So do I think I am anyway better off than I was 5 months ago….I feel that atleast I am trying to move forward,  whatever that means.  

My faith...

My faith:

So my journey has lead me this far….but I find I am still grappling with my faith…I really feel…there seems to be nowhere I really fit in this jigsaw puzzle…

I believe strongly in God….I believe so much of what I was raised to believe in but feel I have evolved beyond some of this…it perplexes me so. 

I was raised by a fairly strong United front,  my mother would play gospel tunes, go to church weekly and was prayerful…(especially Elvis Gospel tunes…must be where I get my love for the blues) blaring it Sunday mornings…until my stepfather wandered into the picture and challenged us to follow his blind belief in Catholocism….

Never did quite understand why my mother conceded to having us become Catholic when she wouldn’t and couldn’t and didn’t believe in it herself. …her marriage to my stepfather was never recognized by that church…as far as the Catholic Church hierchy they were living in sin. 

It is this very paradox…that I believe has helped shape my strong beliefs…and helped me challenge my faith.   There were so many questions….so many reasons why I never could or would identify as Catholic,  even though I went through all the motions.   My father had been excommunicated from this church because he divorced…another thing I never really understood.   How could a God that loved my father,  not forgive him for this…

I realize now…and actually long ago that these were just man made rules to I believe put man on pedastals,  and show people they would never be good enough to reach God. Some of these were derived from the bible….but man really chooses to twist things the way they want things to be known.   Twisted out of historical contexts… 

Why do we put so many barriers on ourselves….when we are told God loves us,  and insanely did the unthinkable…to give us forgiveness.    What a gift…but everyone seems to want to shame themselves and cut themselves off from God.  I just don’t get it.  

So like I said I challenged my faith and keep doing it….

I am not perfect,   unfortunately I am human and am prone to sin…I don’t go out of my way to….

When I was in my late teens…I had what I thought at the time was a revelation….

I became a “born again Christian”   can’t say I can still claim to be one,  as there are so many things for me that just don’t fit with my understanding of the love of God,  Jesus,  their love for us…and how much the born again Christians choose to hate others and separate themselves from others including the people they love.      

I actually feel my faith went to hell and back after I was born again….I felt I had to separate myself from the people I really cared deeply about,  and really lost part of who I was as an individual , my uniqueness for a while.     …  I think I truly began to hate myself when I started to judge others by “other peoples measuring sticks”  

I immersed myself in the bible,  and any Christian books I could get my hands on to try to gain some understanding.   I failed miserably and shamed myself for it.  I think this system really is set up to have one fail miserably…

I try to lead as spiritual of life as possible….my definition of spiritual has totally changed over the years…

I reach out to God in simple ways,  try to meditate…took a course in Ascension meditation,  want to go further in this,  it taught me waking meditation/ prayer.    One can do anything while meditating its pretty cool really and awakening… 

yes I believe there are some Christians that I believe get it,  about the judgement piece.   I don’t profess to know everything…and don’t profess to be right.   Maybe they are right for all all know.    I still want to be able to try to walk the walk,  help people as I believe Jesus would,  but I don’t want to identify as a born again Christian because I don’t believe I am.  I believe I may be Christian,  but believe I have developed my own faith along the road,  I’ve read Deepak Chopra,  Marianne Williamson,  A Return to Love,   A Course and Miracles….while I definitely don’t believe everything I read….I feel I have been assimilating those things that fit with my beliefs.  Do I believe the bible is the word of God,  Yes I do.   There are a lot of rules in this book,   none of which I can profess to be 100% correct on or faithful to,  and I do believe I separate myself from God when I choose to go against one of the laws.  

I also believe that though the Bible is the word of God,  I also believe in historical contexts of the writers God chose to Prophesy through.   So the message needs to be read in context as well.  

So me separating myself from my friends,  choosing a different road….I know now…is not something I am proud of….and pray my friends understand the error of my ways….that I never should have judged nor condemned them.  

I also have a very hard time believing that the God I believe in would want all these divisions,  and want everyone fighting professing that their Church is the only true Church.  

So why have I chose to raise my children Catholic?   That’s a quandary….I still have difficulty justifying to myself.   Part of me that cares too much what others think believe it or not I think is the reason.   I would fit in better with the “family”.  Remember…I learned way too early from my family experience to believe in family no matter what.  I have a different concept now what “family” really is,  or can be.    I  always did judge myself more harshly I believe than even God would.   My husband is Catholic,  and remember I “became” Catholic when I was 12 at my fathers recommendation. 

I believe its because in premise,   they believe many of the things I believed growing up,  and it gives some guidelines for my children to I hope have some Christian like principles.   While both born again and Catholocism both have their fair share of condemning values,   there are some inspired leaders believe it or not within the Catholic Faith that do walk a Christ Like walk,  there is a very strong social justice community within the Catholic Church and I can identify with that,  and this community tends to not be as judgemental and full of hipocracy as the born again Christians I had been involved.   Yes this sounds judgemental.    I have to admit to some failings of bitterness around this. 

I believe that one should not judge,  and want to reach out to others and help them through this life. 

Do I belong to a faith community …no…I do not.  I did at University. 

But after having a child with a diagnosis of Autism,  there was just one more piece that just couldn’t fit into the mold of “church” as defined by the people.  Though we tried to go,  it was pretty difficult with all eyes on us everytime our son would run in the pews,  go exploring,  scream…or whatever else.  It was too painful for me. 

I tend to believe that Church is more fluid than this…that it is “when 2 or more are gathered in his name…”   It need not be a building.    God is everywhere…and the more in touch with nature I am becoming  with my running….I feel closer to him. 

Challenge me on it…I need my faith shaken…though its been shaken to hell and back I believe with all the traumas,  tragedys losses,   and grief I have experienced in my life.  

I really struggled with my son getting a diagnosis of Autism…and how much difficulty I have had through this journey….and used to believe that God would never challenge someone beyond what he believes someone can handle….I no longer believe this 100%...I believe God knows that our faith will be shaken by these things.  I believe God gave us Free Will for a very good reason,  so that our faith would be challenged…so that our beliefs weren’t forced…and when we come to him,  its with willingness and openness.  ….but that when we are separated from him….we do some soul searching that needs to happen to bring us back closer to him. 

May sound messed up…but its what I believe….still evolving. 

I’ve integrated a sense of humour to help me cope with this life and many of the painful things we must face.  I believe strongly God has a sense of humour,  but probably not quite as bent as mine.

So as I look to the sky…I always question why…but know deep down that some questions…we’ll never have the answers to…it’d be too scary to be omnipotent I believe really.  

Judgements...

I always used to think that I was such an individual….I once said that I finally found myself once I got lost…I’m not the kind of person that likes putting labels on people,  being put in a “box”  and I fight tooth and nail against judgements.   While saying this,  I believe I am challenged by my issues that I often have had over the years about “what others”  think about me,  and why do I actually care.   Like I said….I used to think I really didn’t care..but am getting to know myself a lot better.  I am more comfortable in my own skin,  and as a result a little more honest.  ….but I am pretty complex about this….I care deeply…but often do things that challenge this idea and flys in the face of it. 

So why am I conflicted around this?      I believe that as I am growing and getting stronger,  more self confident,  I am beginning to care believe it or not “more” about what others think,  but from a different place of caring.   I used to be pretty insecure about myself,  and anxious about so many things but always,  and mostly did a pretty job of concealing this.      A couple things more recently have brought this struggle to the forefront of my mind.     Let me start with the second revelation to myself about how much I care…   Today when I arrived at work my team assistant said something to me that really struck a note with me.   She and I usually joke around quite a bit,  we have a lot of fun working together as a team.    Today she chose to comment on what I was wearing,   and said “wow,  look at them CFM boots”.    I laughed this one off,  but as the day wore on this started to trouble me a little.    Though I am “caring” for myself so much better than I ever did,  and part of how this is playing out for me is in my choices of what I am wearing.  I want to look good,  and think I am looking better than I ever have in my life.   (I’m not too vain though)     While I want to look good,  and don’t even mind some thinking I may look sexy,  I am challenged about the thought of  putting this kind of message out there.   It’s a little perplexing for me.  I know I have to take my assistant with a grain of salt.   I know I chose to wear this to work today,  because I knew I wasn’t seeing any clients today and thought I’d have a bit of fun with how I was dressed.    I’m definitely not black and white on this one.   I know there is a time and place to look good.   For example  I am pretty grounded about how good,  or lack thereof one can look when they are working out,  don’t mind getting down,  dirty and sweaty or drenched in the rain for a run,  but like I said….Time and place are important.   If I’m dressed up to go out,  I want to look good,  and heaven forbid I get rained on,  and look like a drowned rat then….but don’t mind looking this way for a good work out.   

My first revelation of this conflict within me was raised by the movie The King’s Speech.   It reminded me of how my stuttering always used to get the better of me in social situations,  and how I have allowed it and my anxiety  control me over the years.   I once wanted to run for a political party.   A lofty goal for someone who shudders at the thought of speaking in public.    As I have been developing in confidence  I challenged myself with employment opportunities to give myself a taste of this.   The timing was not great for this,  as at the time my mental health was weak,   I was overwhelmed by other things happening in my life that I had very little control of.   While I was proud of the progress I had made to even have “put myself out there”.   The feelings and nervousness truly got the better of me.   And I have to ask myself Why?    I believe my anxiety is rooted in the fact that I am very self conscious of what others think about what I am saying….and how I am saying it.    The issue really is that when I was very young I had to have speech and language therapy because of a stutter.    I have done a good job to conceal this in most instances,  but it resurfaces in times where there are many eyes on me in “public appearances.   My doctor has challenged me to go on medications to overcome this.   I am still fighting this one,   and hope I will be able to overcome this one in other ways.      So The movie The Kings Speech really spoke to my heart….I was inspired by this man’s journey to overcome one of the very things I struggle with personally.   This provided me some hope that ….maybe my dream of one day running for a political party,   isn’t that hopeless.     I think at times I can be a person that seems to be made up of many contradictions.   I even keep myself on my toes at times.  

I feel good about myself,  and the better I feel,  the healthier I feel,   though part of me really does care what people think,    I acknowledge that I care more about myself than to let peoples judgements of me get me down,  or let me feel less about myself.   I certainly have learned through the years that my inhibitions and judgements of myself have only kept me from my dreams and enjoying life.    I now am able to enjoy myself when I go out dancing,  and don’t stop myself  from doing things ( eg.  Like dancing)  I am proud that I can claim to be one of few that doesn’t seem to need to “drink” to be less inhibited about dancing in public,  or doing other sometimes zany things..…because “nobody” else was willing to do them.  I don’t even mind doing things by myself at times,   in fact there are some times that I actually prefer it.   

So as I continue this journey, how will I use these reflections toward helping me become who I need to be.   Well,   one natural way of challenging my fear of public speaking would be to join toastmasters.   I am a lot easier on how I choose to judge myself.   I need to be easier on myself.   I tend to fight so strongly against judgements others make against others,  but somehow…I used to be very harsh on myself.   No more beating myself up allowed.   I know I looked good today.   I saw a few heads turn.  I guess you could say there may even be a time and a place for the CFM message to get out there….After all…there is a time and place for everything under the sun.  I may be a little bit more romantic than that…to put it that way….but I have to have fun with this a bit.  Can’t take myself too seriously….or the anxiety will have won. 

On the career road.

So I received some really bad news in the last few weeks that has put a bit of a wrench in my career aspirations.    The education liason representative  of Ontario Art Therapy Association responded to my yearly query email,  with a different and less than hopeful tone.   She recommended that I not continue to wait for the Art Therapy Certificate program that I had finished all but less 2 art credits to be developed into a Masters program.   She suggested I would be better off returning and getting my Masters in Social Work.  She said after over 10 years of trying to make the Masters program in Art Therapy a reality,  it would likely not happen at UWO.    Since I have a growing family,  I will have to wait to attend Wayne State University in the States,  or Concordia University in Montreal.    The other programs are in Alberta at Stephen’s College and University of British Columbia.   I really don’t want to shelve these aspirations any longer.  I have wanted to become an Art Therapist for the last 20 years and always seem to hit hiccups on this road.   

I have decided since my long term goals involve a Masters degree,  to bite the bullet and finish my Masters of Social Work.   I will always be able to utilize art in the counseling process.     I have also decided due to my current carreer path,  that I would like to concentrate some focus of studies into Thanatology and Palliative Care.    King's College at UWO also has an amazing post degree certificate program in Thanatology.   So again,   in the next few years I will commence this challenge and I believe one has 5 years to complete the Thanatology program.   Thankfully there is a program at work that will allow for me to do this.     My long term goals after all involve working with children diagnosed with CANCER  utilizing art therapy.  

I am currently a Case Manager for CCAC,  and I have been in this role working with adults for the last year.  Prior to that I worked for 1 year and a half as a Case Manager for CCAC in School Health Support Services as a Paediatric Case Manager.    I love aspects of  both roles for different reasons.  There are other parts of this job that really challenge me.  .  I would love to return to working with a Paediatric caseload,  as this is my comfort zone,  but am challenged to seek out new avenues for myself.  

These are all stepping stones to help have my long term goals realized.   More recently my discomfort with power differentials has been surfacing in my role.  I usually either fight tooth and nail,  or run for the hills when this happens.    I see my role very much as a system navigator,  and resource to families and at times an advocate.  I have recently become more aware of how much power families and individuals believe I have.   I am not very comfortable with this.    Among many of the roles played by a Case Manager,  including assessment of health care needs,  implementing a service plan,  we are responsible for distributing health care supports according to the needs.   We are also responsible for determining eligibility for Long Term Care Homes and assisting individuals through the process of getting on waitlists,  and prioritizing needs.   Well,  last week,  one individual identified to me the belief and real fear and anxiety that I was going to “put them in a home”.   I always make an effort to make my role very clear to individuals,  that yes I do have to assess one’s capacity to be able to make their own decision for Long Term Care.  But I see my role as more of advocating and ensuring that “no one gets “put into a home against their wishes,  and if someones wish is to get into a home providing them the information and means to do so.   Most seniors that I have had to tell that aren’t “eligible” for admission to a Nursing Home ( LTC facility)  love this information and are relieved.   These decisions are based upon the individuals health status,  and their ability to manage on their own plain and simple.  Family members often very well meaning think this is in someones best interest,  but in reality most people are better off in their own homes,  with the appropriate health care supports in place.      I would assess whether someone can still make a safe decision to live on their own,  with these supports in place  and have to determine whether they are aware of all the consequences of these decisions.        There are very few people that I have ever determined as incapable of making a decision for or against Long Term Care.   Its when dementia,  or alzheimers  or other issues have affected an individuals judgement to the point where their decisions in the moment would be deemed unsafe.   Where they would not know what to do in the case of a fire,  or other safety emergency,   where they are making decisions to continue to live at home,  and are refusing supports and do not seem to be aware of the consequences of these decisions.      Definitely not a favourite part of my job.    Families wanting their loved one in Long Term Care don’t seem to get why their loved one can’t go on a waiting list without their informed consent.    This is all to protect an individuals rights.   While I am happy to be an advocate for an individuals rights in this instance,  it can be a pretty uncomfortable place to be with well meaning and caring, passionate family members challenging you.    CCAC has received some unsavoury media attention recently,  and  it raised this reflection within me.     These articles talk about how as Case Managers we were required to take cost containment measures,  such as a waitlist strategy for services that were not assessed as a high priority need.   These were difficult but necessary decisions at the time to ensure that those with the most intensive needs received the services as quickly as they needed it.  Yes,  as Case Managers we do find it necessary to decrease services for some,  but these decisions,  at least for me are not based upon “cost containment” pressures”  but on the facts of the individual, their    families strengths and the individuals current  health care and home care support  needs. 

While I don’t believe in flaggerantly giving out service,  I believe in addressing a family  and individual where they are at,  and developing a service plan that works for them and their strengths and needs.   I believe in assisting families access community supports that are already available to also help address their needs.  I believe in empowering families and individuals to maximize their independence.   This to me means,  that I should never give someone more hours of support than I see there is a need for.  This also means that if the family has supports in place that are already doing an amazing job,  their service plan would look very different from someone having similar needs,  but very few natural supports.    Providing people with more supports than is necessary  only develops dependence,  and misunderstandings,  and individuals that could have eventually managed on their own,  not doing so.   I also rely heavily on liason with the service providers such as the Occupational Therapists,  Nurses, Physiotherapists to assist in the assessment process.   What functional limitations does one have,  and what kind of plan can help support an individual regaining their independence?   Most individuals I have worked together with to develop service plans to meet their needs agree that they do not want to have anyone do more than what they cannot physically manage themselves. 

Is this a job I want to be doing for the next 20 years,  likely not.   I see myself moving either back into a Paediatric Case Management role,  or one on a Support Care Resource Team,  supporting individuals and families through their last breathes.       As I noted before…these are all steping stones to my long term goal,  that I fear I won’t get to until I am retired….but as long as I get there …and have an interesting journey in the process I will be fine.   I feel blessed to have a job that provides me the opportunity to help support people in the health care needs.  While not everyone is happy with the decisions I have had to make,  I’m not here to make people happy ,  I am here to ensure those that need the support get it,  and have the information they need to make decisions, and about resources they can access . 

My way!

Wow….how can two people with almost opposite upbringings….be brought to a similar crossroads….Courtney has travelled such a different road than I, her view of feminism seems inspired by a combination of her journey of self realization through her parents beliefs and hopes of what could be realized, her personal journey of disillusion and remarkable respect for the advocacy struggles she witnessed through others eyes…..
Mine was born out of respect for the strength and struggle it takes to fight and advocate for one’s rights to be recognized….to no longer accept oppressive ideals, my personal resiliency and strength, and struggles to shift the paradigms of roles in relationships.  My parents could not have been more different from Courtneys… while Courtneys mother inspired her with her involvement in rallys, raising her belief in herself to be anything she could be..
My mother inspired me with her commitment to family, and struggle after she had to make a brave choice to leave my father in the name of safety, and fighting the oppression and abuse. Both my mother and father never were “stuck” necessarily in traditional roles of what Men, or woman do…they got that one right, both my parents were hunters, fishers, campers dancers… if you get my drift. Both of my parents were the bread winners, My father was involved in one of them mesoginist “male” clubs, as was my grandfather and so on… (Mason’s to be more specific)  I also was raised with a fairly strong belief in God, the Bible, and this has added some complexity to my journey. I thankfully am an individual thinker, and never accept things at face value.  I believe man has created barriers to God in alot of ways.  I always challenged the ideals, of man as the head of the family. (especially since I have not met many men in my lifetime that had the strength and integrity to be a true spiritual head, sorry guys you can prove me wrong if you want to…) Hypocrisy, and the way that as a woman leader of a college christian youth group, I wasn’t respected got me down.  I was trying to organize a soup kitchen with local churches, and could not get anyone to donate their time, or their food goods until I approached the leaders of theses churches.   Thankfully I am still spiritual, still have strong beliefs, but  this helped me see fanaticism, for what it was and some of the ideals of these churches didn’t really fit with my beliefs and who I was becoming.
So what am I trying to say through this all… am I a feminist….
I have always struggled with this question, why because while I believe for hundreds and thousands of years women have been oppressed,  they are not the only ones that have been oppressed, there are so many marginalized groups. 
I believe in women’s rights yes, but believe strongly in the rights of every individual as long as these do not infringe upon the rights , or oppress anyone. So I am an advocate , plain and simple.  In my work,  Everywhere I go there are examples of power imbalances. My role is to help one navigate the system, that all too often does not make sense, and hopefully help even the playing ground a little by sharing knowledge of resources and supports available and if necessary blast through the barriers to equalize the playing ground .

Would I attend a rally , maybe, would I call myself a feminist, not in the traditional sense of feminism…but in my own right I believe I challenge the the oppressive ideals that have fostered barriers for women. And by the way of example, I would like to believe I am shifting the paradigm in my own life.
Though I have chosen to be a mother, a nurturer, a wife and these roles certainly have become at times obstacles to my own dreams, desires,
I am empowered now that I feel I have real choices,  and real control and decisions.   For some reason I felt I had very little,  when I wasn't working,  and wasn't bringing in a substantial income.   I believe the position and roles that mothers assume,  often can challenge the very ideals we try so hard to uphold. My disillusionment is with systems that fail people, not with people at all, because I have never held people on a pedestal.  I believe we can each make a difference through our own lives,  to be empowered,  great responsible people.   I believe that feminism has been a wonderful freeing vehicle for women,  and am proud that woman have come so far in having their rights realized.   I still feel in many ways,  and in some systems there is a long road ahead.   I still don't feel strongly that I can ever aspire to,  and claim to be a feminist.   I am a strong woman who through resiliency,  intelligence, wisdom has made the decision to be an advocate for the oppressed,  if that be a woman so be it,  but never want to  be limited to that

Celebrate Creativity...

So a new journey has begun for our family,  and our daughter….She has just been accepted to a school in our area that has an Orchastra and Choir program,  and some arts type focus.   She has another workshop experience for another school the end of March,  with fewer spots available…but she is up for the challenge…and the opportunity.  This program has a more overall arts focus,  not just  mainly emphasis on music.   I have been inspired and challenged by a video that was posted on Lester  B. Pearson school for the Arts website …a TED talk on creativity….Here’s the link to the talk. http://www.ted.com/talks/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity.html    So can schools really kill creativity?   The talk suggested that education has been at fault in some realms of “educating” the creativity out of our children.   I believe that there are many things about systems in society,  including our regular education system that are prone to blocking creativity,  if we allow it to,  however I am a firm believer that creativity will find a way,  and children do find ways through their resilience of maintaining their creativity.   It is that spark,  that little bit of rebellion against systems that can keep that creativity alive,  whether this rebellion be blatant….or hidden deep within.  

If I believe this,  then why would I want my child to attend a school for the arts.   

Though I believe fighting for these strengths to shine through can make one stronger…I also believe strongly that I want our daughters full potential to be realized,  and since her strengths are the arts and creativity,  I want her to learn through this potential and help it grow.   My nephew struggled in school, though he had an exceptional IQ  especially socially until my sister made the decision to have him apply to a school for gifted children in the states.   He has flourished so much in this program that he graduated and received a $40, 000 scholarship to a school of music in the STATES.   I found it interesting that the TED speaker chose to comment on right brained thinking of educators,   and how most University Professors are “stuck in their heads”   and right brained thinkers…. I believe this again is a generalization….,   I find being of “creative mind” ,  can be a pretty “heady’ experience as well….yes….its about expression…and forms of expression….but before it meets the medium…whether this be dance, creative writing,  drama, forms of visual arts or music….or problem solving….or inventing,  or new ways to approach old equations,  or looking at sciences,   or nature,  ….the creativity experience is a very “heady” and thoughtful experience indeed….      So cheers to our Jaz !   I am so proud of her.   We’ll have to find a fantastic way to celebrate this success and potential for the years to come.   If she gets accepted into Pearson,  we’ll have to support her in whatever decision is best for her.   

Self Committment to Peace and Energy

I was thinking the other night,  that is was ironic that I had stopped the act of blogging shortly after I had stopped running….and remembered that one of the things I enjoy so much about running…is that it provided me time to collect and organize my thoughts around different subjects.   This winter has been brutal and its taken its toll in a number of ways.   I ran religiously until the first major snow fall on Dec 6, 2010.  My last official run was the Santa Shuffle the morning of Dec 4, 2010.   Yes,  I have still been running sparatically on the treadmill,  and I have still been vigilant about working out at least 6 times a week,  but I definitely feel and miss the difference that running provided to my life.   

This means I know I need to be committed to get back at it.   So here is the plan.   I am writing this as a commitment so I can hold myself ,  and ofcourse my audience can help me be held accountable to this commitment.   So what have I been doing with my time,  and why if I have been still faithful working out,  have I noticed a real difference. 

1.         I know I have not been doing quite as much cardio as I had been.   Up until Dec 4, 2010 I had been running 3-4 times a week-  30 minutes at the minimum  and at least one of the runs was one hour.   I am only doing about 20- 30 minutes 4x/ week on the elliptical at present,  rarely on the treadmill,  and no outdoor running.  

2.       My eating habits are rapidly going downhill again.   I do fairly good during the week maintaining a good diet regime,  eating every few hours and smaller portions,  however weekends I’ve been indulging a little more,  and I have been snacking late nites on things other than my protein shakes.   I definitely notice I am not as “lean and mean” as I had been just a few months ago. 

What am I doing that is still good?   

Well-  I am still working out faithfully 6 x’s a week.

I started attending a boot camp one time a week to try to kick start by butt in gear. 

I am still going to my personal training every other Thursday. 

I still am going to Pilateez every Monday. 

I feel like I am in a bit of a rut….so how can I get out of this rut….

I have challenged myself to be ready for my first 5 km run  of this year  by February 27, 2011,  The Really Chilly Road Race.    I am challenging myself and friends to enter a “Warrior Dash” on July 9, 2011 in Barrie Ontario.    I plan to participate in every run of the Honda Series.   I will be running the 5km run for the first 2 working my way back up to a 10 km run.     

I have to start back this week with the right attitude,  and that means diet too!

I will be starting “next week”  if I can shake this cold that doesn’t seem to want to leave me   to attend the 5 km/  10 km clinic on Monday nights at Runners Choice.     On Thursday nights I will be attending the Learn to run,  to also help me get my distance increased again.   I will be attending boot camps every Saturday Morning.   I will still be religious about exercising the other days in between in my new home  built gym, ( circuit training w weights and cardio combined)   and I will be adding a  Saturday run in there at some point.    This summer I plan to join the ½ Marathon training group  Saturdays if I have been successful at achieving the above mentioned goals. 

So lets give me a month…and see what kind of damage I can do.    I mean damage in the kindest,  most positive way.   Will this help my mind feel more organized again….and help me regain that peace of mind and energy I so enjoy.    Here’s to peace and energy!!!

Freedom of Letting Go

I want to share a breathe of inspiration with my friends.  They say one can only can have an impact through personal change…and I am really becoming a believer of this.   I have spent the last 20 or so years of my life…fighting to ….as a social worker  change systems…change the world  and in my personal life to…change parts of my relationships with others,  and to be honest at times to change others.  I am fascinated by the tension and frustration I really caused for myself…and never really learned this simple truth earlier.   In the last year and a half I have made many changes to myself.   I no longer feel as strongly that I am fighting against the tide.   I am much more accepting of the things I cannot change. In my personal relationships especially though I still acknowledge there are things I need out of my relationships that I don’t always get,  I have made the decision that I cannot expect that I will ever be able to get these things from others necessarily.   I have to be good to myself and get what I need,  and I shouldn’t have to try to change others so that I can get my own needs met.     I still challenge ideas,  and systems and things that don’t seem to make sense…but I am learning ever so gradually to “Let GO” of those battles that can never be won.   I still believe in advocating for those who are oppressed,  in enlightening the world to injustices…in empowering others to be their own advocates armed with the resources and information to stand up for themselves.  We all can have an impact on our world,  and our experience within it by making choices.   In 2011,  I am making a choice to believe in myself.  I am no longer my worst enemy.  I am my best friend.   I am committed to loving myself in 2011.  

New found freedom

My vow to myself of doing one thing each day that scares the hell out of me...has a new meaning in the last week.   I have forced myself beyond my comfort zone,  and challenged myself,  and my rationalizations about certain social rules.   I have always been one to enjoy concerts, dancing,  going to movies, etc however I often have found it difficult to find friends that are available to do these things,  when I can do them.  Having 4 children,  two with disabilities has meant scheduling my social time around my families needs.   When we were given more respite hours for my eldest son,  I have made certain to claim some of this time as my own so that I can get out and get these personal needs met.   This has contributed to the new found freedom which I have embraced wholeheartedly.   I know that I have the need to get out socially and enjoy myself so that I have restored energy to be able to cope better with some of the tough things I must face in my life.    My workouts are only a small part of this.   I used to be so afraid to do things alone,  and would not do things unless I could find someone to go with me.  This included working out.   I now really enjoy the times I go to the gym on my own to work out.   I likewise have avoided many opportunities for concerts I would have killed to go to,  for the sake of ( because I tend to like obscure music not many have heard of)  just because I could not find someone to join me.   I almost did the same a week ago,  when a good friend of mine said she could no longer make it to a Bedouin Soundclash concert. 
I was disappointed,  and initially thought this meant I would not be going.   I decided to challenge this idea....as I so wanted to go...and thought to myself.  Why is it that I would not go when I knew I would enjoy this so much.   I love being able to share the enjoyment with others,   but when all is said and done...there would be others there to share the enjoyment with....just not others I know yet.   Its often hard for me to meet new people.   My fear here is to do with the awkwardness I sometimes feel in new situations. 
So I went and enjoyed the concert thoroughly,  I danced to the music....and felt great and grateful I had given this gift to myself.   I gave myself permission to no longer be afraid of being alone in these kind of situations.
I have also been able to get out with friends more frequently to do something I enjoy thoroughly, dancing. 
Some of my friends have said they no longer enjoy the bar scene at all,  because its either all about "drinking" or all about "the meat market".   I don't see it like this at all.   With my new found confidence in myself,  my reclaiming of my body as my own,  and healthy attitude and lifestyle...a bonus in all of this is that I am actually "noticed" alot more when I do go out.   While this is flattering,  I take it all with a healthy grain of salt, and a sense of humour.  When I was out the other nite at one such bar someone used a very "funny" pick up line....they said that my eye glasses were "sexy".  I said thank you...and laughed this off...because I thought it was the funniest pick up line I had ever heard.   I know there was alot more that was sexy about me that night...other than my eye glasses.  I make it pretty clear when I am out  that I am there to have fun with friends...and dancing.  I can enjoy the idea that someone else may find me attractive, its not like I am going to do anything with this information except pad my ego a little.      Its all good.   There may be a little bit of "trouble in paradise"  but I am not the kind of person to do anything foolish. So why is it that some of my friends no longer enjoy the night scene.   I believe its all in how you look at it,  and what your purpose is in going out.   I'm not looking for anything at all out of it except for having a good time and dancing.   I have never been one that has needed to get drunk to have a good time,  so I can take or leave the alcohol part of the night.  I think when people are seeking to find someone or something so badly,  the night scene may be a pretty brutal place to be.   I also at times wish there were "dry" nightclubs...but I do feel that this is unrealistic...because many of my friends seem to have the need to have a few drinks to feel "loose" or relaxed enough to dance in public.   I intend to continue to enjoy my "alone" times out,  and times out with old and new friends.  I may still have to challenge the inclings of fear that tug at me initially....but won't succumb to this...because when all is said and done...I know I will have a great time.   I hope my friends can find some joy in going out...maybe even just the simple pleasure of spending time with another friend.  Its all in how you look at it. 

Attitude funk...will you please help me out of this?

I am in a bit of an attitude funk and need some help to get out of this.   Since I have been really working hard at gaining some control over my life,  my situation, my feelings   and my health  I have started to really feel a lot better about myself.  One area I have always been hard about with myself is my attitude.  I always try to have a positive outlook,  and sometimes this has gotten me into trouble emotionally.   This is because I haven’t always been totally honest with others about how I am feeling.  I need to find ways to be honest,  without this putting me in a position where it is affecting my attitude.   I want to be genuine about my feelings.  So this is very hard for me,  because it means that in some cases I am speaking my mind about my feelings,  and in turn hearing and feeling the tension this is causing.  It must seem to some others that I am coming across like my bitchy alien twin.   I like myself a lot more this way,  and I feel less internal frustration, however because it has been so long since I have truly been honest with myself and others about my feelings there is a lot of catching up to do.  I am so much more confident about standing my ground.  I am also feeling so much more  in control of my emotions.  This is all good.   There are some things I am still having some trouble owning.   Because I hate conflict…my family life feels a little uncomfortable these days,  but I can’t seem to get a handle on how to do this any other way to feel  I am in control.   I am not as much the “nice girl” I used to be.   That nice girl used to let others trample her, use her and was so very giving.  I still really want to be a giving individual,  but I need to find a way to do so,  so that the others I have relationships don’t expect this is status quo.   I need for the others in my life to know that because I have been so giving,  that I have not accepted their giving and have created a total imbalance.   I am trying to have more balance in my relationships.   This tension is a lot different than the tension I felt when I didn’t speak my mind.   I think its healthier,  but since I have always  been one to avoid conflict like the plague,  my life seems a lot more in conflict.  I also don’t necessarily like what it is doing to my relationship, but only have control over my end of things.   If my partner does not like who I have become that may be a bit of a problem.   I think it would be easier for me to return to the way things were…but though I may have always tried to be positive about things…I wasn’t being honest…or happy for that matter.   I am much happier with the person I am becoming.  I have a couple of friends who have suggested I may not necessarily being fair in some of this.   This is somewhat laughable since being fair is my montra. 

I’ve discussed some of this current dilemma with my counselor.   My counselor actually suggested to me that I have been more than fair,  that the journey I am currently on is about being fair to myself for a change.   I will give you an example of the extent of my fairness plight.   I decided to write a priorities list of things that I feel are priorities that need to be dealt with in order,  and asked my partner to do the same.   Well,  in this list I actually switched priorities and added ones that I didn’t feel were priorities at all consolidating in a way my partners “wish list into this”.   He actually thought this was pretty funny,  and said I could not make a new list that was just  “my priorities list”,  .    

Anyhow as I said I am having some difficulities with my attitude a bit…this is related to feeling that I don’t like our effect on each other.  I do not like the person I had become prior to the changes I made,  but feel I keep getting pulled back into these patterns.  I also can feel fairly strongly the conflict that is occurring and I am not overly enthused about this level of conflict being present in my life,  and my children’s lives.   I don’t like the effect that all of my…what I feel are positive changes to myself  are affecting my relationship. 

So this is how I need help….how do I still remain happy with myself and these changes I’ve made,  when I know its impacting my relationship in a negative way.   Most relationships I believe my new empowerment is improving my relationships,  but I believe it is impacting one key relationship in a not so good way. 

In saying this….I want to be brutally honest that I have no intention or desire to go back to the way things were,  or the way I was but how do I make any sense out of this.   I know my worst fear 1 year and a half ago was that my husband and I were on the verge of separating.   He even mentioned the possibility.  He doesn’t remember doing so,  so it must have been in a heated moment.  Now when I have brought it up he says I shouldn’t bring it up unless I want this to happen. 

This is one of many reasons I feel I have had to go to my counselor on my own,  because this is part of a discussion that  may occur at the counsellor,  but neither one of us are ready to talk about this.  I don’t know where this road will lead.  

I hope I am able to get more comfortable with the conflict that is present in my life,  because I want to be true to myself and my feelings.