Needing others is not weakness.. Wake up..: )

Needing others is not a weakness .. Wake up : ) “We need others. We need others to love and we need to be loved by them. There is no doubt that without it, we too, like the infant left alone, would cease to grow, cease to develop, choose madness and even death.” - Leo Buscaglia So as I Contemplate my heart.. I wonder at How I can have such strength and weakness all at the same time... How I can feel strong enough and brave enough at times to go it alone.. And to support and hold others up with this strength.. But to know deep down I have a heart that really needs to share the joys,  the passions, the laughter and the sorrows.    Everyone needs love. I contemplate this as a few fellows whom I consider to be friends have told me in the past few months how intimidating I can be.. What little ole me I say... I couldn't harm a fly..  One fellow told me it was because I seem to have it all together.. ,  i have a good job,  im taking good care of myself,  i have goals...  Whats so wrong with that.   Well in striving to better myself.. I want to be real.. And I most certainly am not perfect... I feel so Much better about myself than I ever have.. But could it be this new confidence that is keeping love at bay.  I believe that eventually it will lead me down the path to true love and happiness...could I be pushing some away with this confidence... Then they r likely not right for me at all.  : )  Saying I can do it on my own might be sending a message to some that they aren't wanted.. Or needed.. That couldn't be farther from the truth... Some guys need to feel wanted and needed..so the story goes... Others thus scares the he'll out of....  What some fail to understand is that just because i can do ok going it alone...  It could be so much better with mutual support and love.    How does one strike a balance... I am being honest when I say I want interdependence.. I think this is balance,  and the only true way to a healthy relationship... To love someone so much that you give them the freedom each of you need to grow and develop...  "don't smother each other,  no one can grow in the shade.  " Leo Bruscaglia  The only fellows more  recently showing any kind of balls about what they want,  are way too young..( or their heart belongs to someone else)   I seem to be a magnet for  graduate students.. But please.. 15 years younger is just way too young.. And to be realistic.. I know they really only could want one thing.. Yes i know im interesting.. That is a description i am quite familiar with.. Its come out of the mouth of these babes.. ( Pun intended lol ).. And others...   And well I want and need more than just sex...(. Don't get me wrong I love sex... But it is so much better on infinite levels....) Being considered interesting is nice but I need and deserve  more than to be a passing fancy.    I know i said I need my heart to be stronger and I thought maybe I needed to go it alone for a while.   Who r we trying to fool heRe.  I am strong and weak and I need people and support and love just as much as everyone else.  I feel really good about a decision I made this last week to support a friend who was going through a tough time,  even though it also hurts.., because it is someone that i thought I was over.. I think I was lying to myself a little.     Deep in my heart I still really would love to be with them,  no I could and would not be opportunistic  and tell them how i felt at a moment of weakness.. I only would want to be with them if they wanted to be with me... Not because of their heartbreak but because they really wanted to be with me..... I believe this showed great strength....I'm not totally there.. But hey.. Nobody wants perfection.. That'd be less than interesting lol.  I am happy for  them that they have found that mutual love and passion...and forgiveness...( at least part of me is anyways).   It gives me hope to find happiness ( and a little pain) in this.  I did say way back when that I am full if contradictions.. I think if u r really deep down honest with yourself... It would be difficult to not find these kind of contradictions when soul searching : ).  So let's end here with a quote here from Leo Bruscaglia...    Love is always open arms. If you close your arms about love you will find that you are left holding only yourself.  So arms wide open here into the great sea.. 

The passionate life... will not be left behind... I will not let it.. : )))

As soon as the love relationship does not lead me to me, as soon as I in a love relationship do not lead another person to himself, this love, even if it seems to be the most secure and ecstatic attachment I have ever experienced, is not true love. For real love is dedicated to continual becoming.

Leo Buscaglia

Well,  believe it or not...in this crazed week of graduations, dance recitals birthdays and sporting events...  I am still finding the time to try to be good to me.   I have spent a few wonderful lunchhours at my favourite spot,  the Mill Pond,  and I took my 6 year out for frozen yogurt at YoYos cafe.    I've been thinking about how I have committed to myself,  to not go into anything lightly... and to give of myself 100% for any potential relationship... to love.. to give freely, to be open even if it means I am more vulnerable to being hurt.  None of this means I am selfless... but there is a fineline.. and I believe I may have lost myself a little in my last relationship beginning because I lost sight of that.   This only proves to me I have more work to do,  to show myself kindness,  and love,  and maybe to be more nurturing to myself.     Friends have suggested that I put too much of myself into it...  and shouldn't..   I am a very passionate person,  and I can't imagine being any other way,  but realize this may scare the ""hell"  out of some.   I would like to believe it wont for the right person for me.  

Any relationship I may embark upon,   I believe I need to be strong going into it... so that whoever I am with... who hopefully be as equally strong.. so we can nurture and hold each other up .  

In the past,  I believe I was very giving in relationships,  but it came from a place of deep need,  and weakness...   and this only fosters a codependent  unhealthy relationship,  not an interdependent loving one.  

I've lived many years in a codependent relationship racked with guilt,  some of it self imposed,  and I made a devotion to myself that I would no longer do that to myself as it only fosters self hatred and resentment.  

I really so thought I cared for my new friend,  but found I could not bear the guilt the potential of our relationship would cost me.   Because I care so much,  this decision is still very painful for me,  especially because I have not received any feedback from them as to how they are feeling.  I've left the ball in their court to contact me,  but it isn't happening.   I felt they had made a similar decision maybe for different reasons,  but this is all speculation,,,..  and I would so love to continue our friendship and talk about this. 

As a result of all of this,  I have decided to just stay away from dating... well dating websites for a while,  as I for some reason deep down still yearn to be with my friend.  and need time to heal my heart.. because no relationship stands a chance until that work is done.... lol.   I can't explain it.   I really still want to be close to them and to be their friend,  even though I know there can likely be nothing else,  ... ( without devestating consequences for my own or that persons emotional well being/ health)   So did this relationship in anyway shape or form lead one another back to ourselves..   well..   I think there were some inherent problems / issues that sort of got in the way of that possibility.     One of them being fear... we know my thoughts on how damaging fear can be from previous blogs..  lets just not go there today...

So why is this so damn hard. 

1.     My belief in friendship..   I think men look at relationships quite differently,  but I do feel that if someone really diggs me enough they should want to spend time with me,  getting to know me,  for who I am better..  regardless of whether it can lead to deeper intimacy in the long run. 

Another quote to meditate on  " A single rose can be my garden.. a single friend my world. " - Leo Bruscaglia. 

2.   That there seems to be unfinished business ... lose ends   unresolved issues questions unanswered... maybe just for me... I'm not sure..

So why is it that well meaning friends sometimes believe that the solution to a broken heart is another man?  

I grew up believing that,  and think that is why I stayed in a unhealthy relationship for so long.   My mother left one unhealthy relationship,  for another,  much healthier one...but it was still racked with issues,   and she has never really been on her own... 

Maybe I feel I need to prove something,   I have only been separated for a year... maybe I need more time to build my own strength and belief in myself.  

I had a tempting offer this week to go out on the town with a friend,  and a chap that apparently finds me attractive.   I thought he too was cute,  but decided,  I just can't go there right now.   I definately was flattered,  but I had two offers this week,  and decided to go for the one that will nurture my soul.   My old friend from Sarnia was going to have a girls night in pamper night.   Unfortunately changed it to a girls night out,  but I think I will go there anyhow.   Afterall,   I'd already done backflips lol to switch nites with my x so I could have this Friday for me regardless.   After a week like this,  I really need it.   : ) 

Don't get me wrong,  just because I am being kind to me and my heart,  to give it the nurturance it needs does not mean I am cutting myself off from love,  to the contrary... I still plan to live a passion filled life,   there is a hell of alot more to leading a passionate life than sex,  however.. I'll be sure not to leave that stone unturned lol...  and will be ready for love when it comes and bites me on the ass..  lol.   

As Leo puts it  afterall  ....  " a life without passion is not living,  its merely existing.  "   

A life without passion is not living,  its merely existing. - Leo Bruscaglia

Blatant honesty.. Is it really my friend 2

Quote Rating   "If what you seek is Truth, there is one thing you must have above all else..an unremitting readiness to admit you may be wrong."  Anthony DeMelo So... I know its been so long since I've written anything here,... but I felt maybe it was time to check in to really see..  how is this dating thing working for you... lets be honest here.   In an effort to live more congruently,   I vowed I would try my best to have what I say do and think fall into similar lines...which to me means being honest... and really honest with not only myself but with others.   I think In doing so though in this dating world and realm..  it can be very scary indeed...  not only for me...  but for those I am being honest with.   Maybe I need to not give everyone too much insight into everything I am thinking and feeling... as maybe that could just be way too overwhelming for some.     There are some new inherent problems with the fast,  internet paced world of dating... that I really don't think or feel fit and have caused some issues.    I feel we so quickly,  without thinking will type,  and send an email or a note without really considering the full impact.   ..  and the time lines are never really true...  one never really knows when someone has read an email... well if they have BBM you do... but that is one of few ways.     I also feel there are so many miscommunications that happen via text and email...  so many levels that really cannot be read... unless having an actual conversation.  So in writing this...    I want to own responsibility for my part in this,  I am not saying its the internets fault at all...  it was only a tool I used,   and misused for communication.    I have also decided in all of this I really dislike the whole internet dating scene,    Plenty of Fish is one example.   For now I am going to try to stay a way for a while.   Here are some reasons.   I haven't really dated a whole lot since separating,   and before that I was married for almost 20 years.   Dating is a world I am not very familiar with,   I am a little niave to all of this.   I think it may be a good way to get to know someone,  and a good way to introduce oneself,  but it is quite superficial and I  believe it poses some inherent problems.   If you are dating,  and don't communicate up front any expectations around,  whether its to be exclusive... then ones profile may still be wide open ..  for those that want to keep their options open... this may not be a problem.   Where I believe a problem may crop up,  is if one person or another person in the dating dyad has expectations they have neglected to communicate for whatever reason.  In my personal situation,   I somehow became jealous because the person I was dating was on chatting with someone on POF.  There is a feature that lets one know if someone you have had a previous conversation with is on Chat or not.   This was extremely silly,  and a double standard because I was on POF chatting with someone else.   What my friend didn't know and wasn't communicated was my chatting was to let someone know clearly,  that though we had been writing to one another infrequently for about 2 months,  that I only wanted to be friends,  because it was all I could really handle at present.   The importance of being clearer in one's communications...   one can be honest... but make sure you are also clear.   lol.     Anyhow   I really believe  a combination of my silliness in this internet dating world,  and my quickness to just fire off an email response are really the reason that my new friend is now staying away.   Its too much information,  too quickly...  ( Such is the internet world)     I really wish I had taken my own advise about....  "Why is everyone in such a rush".   As a result,   I am now considering that maybe I really am not ready for dating...   and need to take a bit of a break...  I thought I had resolved many of my insecurities... but this realm has opened up some issues and I really feel I need to deal with them...   So I think its back to the counsellor I should go.   The other thing that has become so blatently apparent to me...  if I am being honest with myself as well.   That God really has a way to speak to one's heart loudly and clearly when the need arises.    I had been lying to myself feeling that maybe,  because I so loved spending time with this fellow,  and thought he enjoyed his time so equally with me that maybe the ends justified the means. ...   that we both I thought so wanted the same things...   it was so nice to share in this together....  so maybe it was okay to be selfish and want something...so much that I was willing to turn a blind eye to some things.    Well I ended up being faced by 2 situations at work last week in the course of 2 days that really spoke to me,   and showed me how much guilt I would feel,   if I chose to go down that path.   So much that I decided not to just go with the flow...  and sent another of those fired emails...  stating I couldn't live with that kind of guilt.   Some things are so much better said and left for a face to face or telephone conversation.   Yes,  it was how I was feeling...and I so felt I needed to express it... but it was expressed not within the context that it was meant to be or would have been natuarally... and as a result so many misinterpretations could have happened.   As you can tell... I think way too much for my own good sometimes.    I need to give other people the respect they deserve ,  the time they need in relationships ...  to Let go... and just be and enjoy.    So there were two other people that though I told them I only wanted to be friends for now,  continue to write me on POF.  Though I have hidden my profile,  because they favorited me,  they still can find my profile and message me.  I continue to get messages... but atleast they are few and far between and they understand and know that besides a friendly hello...  I really can't go there right now.   I will enjoy this time ... with my children this summer,   I have so much to do around my new home,  I have vacation time coming up ... so I plan to go camping with friends....  I have a very busy life.   While I do so want to share this passionate life with someone,   and at times I do feel lonely,   I really do enjoy spending time with myself,  being good to me... sometimes I lose sight of this in my silliness.    I also really enjoy spending time at home with the people I love,  but when my children aren't at my home,   it does feel pretty empty...so I tend to fill my schedule pretty quickly ....  I am going to make a concerted effort to spend more time to enjoy my new home and me in it : ) .   My friends told me to be very careful not to shut myself off too love...   I am not really doing that...   I'm just giving my heart the time it needs right now to readjust to my circumstances...   I want to be ready to embrace it and accept it  when it calls my name.... ..  So is blatent honesty  my friend...  well in the real world if the internet wasn't present I do believe honesty is the best policy.     I need to take things one step at a time though and not get ahead of myself with this.   One of my newest friends ,  any yes... they are just a friend on POF stated they thought I was the only real honest lady out there on POF,  I hope for mankinds sake... that is not the case,   this was in response to me saying I need time to heal my heart and I really can't date anyone for a bit,   I told them it would be my loss if they meet someone on here any we never do get a chance to meet,   I am not sure we can meet,  as I made it clear in the beginning long distance relationships I didn't feel could work for me given my circumstance.   Anyhow...  they insist on choosing to think it would be their loss... but I feel I made myself pretty clear .     So being honest...  yes can be my friend if I set boundaries around it....  and take it one step at a time breath deeply...  and for now just Be  and be will ofcourse to admit when I'm so wrong...  and sorry  : )))...  Reminder to self and others hearts... please listen to DeMelos wisdom.   : )))

Bedtime story with a twist.. : )

An odd bedtime story..

I make these up time to time to spur thought.. 



Once upon a time  there lived a dark prince whose wonder reached beyond senses... Beyond skies .. Beyond time... 

And this prince once met a princess... Who's mystery and whose sense... touch...And breathe... Whos passion could fill the skies..   But who insisted rigidly..  That she could only fill the skies upon midnite... But by dawn.... Would block the floodgates... 

The prince let loose the princess ... To wander the land in search for truth.. 

One dusk.. She crossed paths with a dove... the dove said to the princess... I can teach you peace and freedom...  Fly as I can fly... And you will know peace and freedom... 

the princess.. Said... I so  would love to fly as you fly.. So free and at peace.. But alas I have no wings....

The princess continued her journey.. Still so wishing to understand the prince.. 

Another great night.. The princess met a snake along the path.. Saying.. I can show you how to love.. Glide as I glide... And you will know love...   The princess said..   But I cannot glide and slide as a snake... So does this mean I shall know no love?   

So the princess continued on growing weary of the waves and the tide of the strength ... Passion.. and wonder by night..  And the undertow...  Dam building by day.....

One such night she met a dolphin.. Who said swim  as i swim and you will know how it feels to truely Live and breathe... 
The princess thought.. I must not be able to truely live...and breathe.. As I cannot swim as you can swim...  And surely would drown if I tried... 

The princess continued her journey and met with her shadow.. One dawn..  and said.. I have no wings..... But yearn for peace and freedom
I cannot slide and glide gracefully... But am so full passion .. Shouldn't love just follow... 
I Cannot swim.. In the depths of this  sea...  Without drowning
But surely I can live and breathe 
If I can maintain hope... 

then the princess thought of That wonder filled prince... 
And thought what truth really is it that I seek.. 
It should be my truth..,   I've been holding out trying to find my princes truth... But.. Truely.. What I need is my own... 

The princess thought...I do not need wings of a dove to be free or to know peace

I do not need to glide and slide as a snake to know love...

I do not need to swim as a fish .. To live and breathe.. I can learn to swim my own way 

So the princess said.. In my heart.. I can learn to fly.. And soar...  And can find my own rhythm... There r more  ways to love...  
And the hope I still have is my life preserving joy...  To keep me from drowning when them dams burst... Or them floodgates let go... 

dating scene canundrums...

Wow...this dating thing really has me wondering some days which end is up.   I am pretty confident of what I want and don't want.. or atleast used to think I was.....   I am getting alot of attention crazily from 24- 30 year olds...which ofcourse...I find a bit amusing...but   just that.   I would never go for any of this...especially since I know they really are looking for one thing and one thing only.    A man I was dating feels I should embrace life, and with it every flavour of ice cream I can get...if you get my drift...... While I wholeheartedly believe I am embracing life....and love...and want to do this...   I don't believe this ever was intended to be in reference to "sex" only...   but then again I'm not a man,  I don't think with my "dick"  ...ok...  I guess I don't even think with my vagina...   I guess life and some of my decisions would be alot easier if I did.   I know that last statement wasn't necessarily fair.  It was meant to be a bit tongue n cheek for those that don't really know me.   I just know myself    Well enough and I really feel that I cannot do this and stay true to myself and who I am spiritually, and emotionally.   I may be getting alot of attention,  but most of it is not the kind of attention I am after.   I do think and feel that man I was dating had some pretty personal motives behind this...though.. I believe he believes that with his heart...  he was hoping I would be agreeable to  an open relationship...  something which I'm not sure I can do.   I was hurt that he had decided after a brief commitment...that it was too much ...so he had to call it off...   and now he is proposing this.   Because of the way I am in relationships...  I feel I would become too attached.. and not be able to move on and be with anyone else... 
I know there are others interested in me.   I want to be able to move forward...   so what do I do?  Is there ever really anything true about having your cake and eating it too....???!!!  Lots to think about.   I think for now  I will just take it slow,  take it one day, one hour,  one minute at a time and see what life brings.   I don't want to say no to love,  or opportunity... but I want to be careful with my heart...and I don't want to be tied to something that will never develop into anything more..... I love myself too much for that.  That is almost as bad as staying in a passionless and loveless marriage for too many years to mention....   I deserve better.

Relationships r a strange breed...

So I told u I would update u about the dating field... And last we touched base... I had decided to ignore all the sound advice about not allowing anything to get too serious and go with my heart.. I feel my heart has really been taken fir a rude... And while u have no regrets because I truly believe the last month has been a beautiful experience filled with more passion I believe than the last 20 years... So definitely no regrets... But I'm not sure how much my heart can take of this... This last relatibahip while the passion and connection were such an intense and beautiful thing... It ran so hot and cold... That I never knew which end was up and I've made a commitment to myself to not accept being shutout emotionally... Regardless if people r trying to protect me from something... So maybe I need to take the advice if many friends... Not get too serious... And just date and gave some fun for a while. Doesn't really sound my style but I've had a few nice offers recently... And what do I have to Lose.

Don't get lost....

I really have to be more careful with my heart....   I guess you could say I could have a tendency to lose myself in passion...  which could be a really good thing...but can also not be such a good thing...  
Trust is something that has never come easy for me...but recently I have challenged myself to do one thing each day that scares the hell out of me...    and ...am inspired by some teachings suggesting that it is better to take some risks in relationships...  reach out,  and be hurt rather than never to have had these experiences at all.   I really want to embrace this idea....  but recently when I have I feel I am the one taking all the risks...and I guess I was hoping for some kind mutuallity....and of safety net with the whole deal...    I sort of feel I have fallen long and hard...   ouch...    This whole dating thing has me in a bit of a canundrum.    Friends are suggesting..  I think way too much... and really should just be out there " playing the field"  so they say...    I don't really feel this is my style at all.   I feel if I really am into someone,  and think they may be into me...what is wrong with getting serious...as long as there is lots of fun  ( and open communication)  in the process...  
Well... I think I am only a date one person at a time kind of gal...  
anything else just doesn't seem right.   I guess I need to make sure that this is mutual though or I could really get hurt.   
Met up with some friends from college the other day,  it was a fun time.   Its really nice to feel wanted by more than one person definately... but I also am not or never thought I was the one night stand kind of gal...(friends keep telling me to try this on for size...but really don't think it would fit...too out of whack with my beliefs about relationships, committment and love....)  I guess I am not just looking for great sex....    though it has to be part of the whole package...call me picky.....
so I clarified that I am dating someone else,  and though I was definately flattered,  and I guess part of me wonders but I can't really play these games.   I'll let you know if my tune changes....

Living Congruently Part II

Living congruently Part II

Just in case you didn’t check out part one,  here is the link…just to give this some context

 http://bemybest2010.blogspot.com/2011/06/more-congruencewhat-this-means-for-me.html

So its been a few weeks since my husband and I separated …and I thought I should check in to report progress.    I am feeling really good about this decision,  with the exception of being with my children less often,  so I am full of intention to make the most of every opportunity that I am with my children. 

How am I doing at living what I say,  feel and think….    How am I doing at being honest and true to my heart…or in other words  Living in the Heart.       I feel that most days I am doing great in this area.   I am enjoying the time I have with the children,  I am enjoying some solitude,  which my heart needs right now.         I have done a few silly things,  which I feel sort of steered me off the path a little.. due to some curiosity sparked by my single friends,  but I am trying to undo the damage done,  by reposting a positive profile,  and making it very clear that all I am looking for at present is friendship.  Curiosity killed the cat,  and though it was a good eye opener for me as to what could be,  I feel it is way too early to date.     I really need to focus on being true to my heart,  which part of needs to know I can be strong and do this on my own.    I can develop friendships,  and if this develops into something in the long run so be it…but my intention has to be pure,  and clear.  

I know that God has greater things for me and my family…   I know in my heart that I could destroy this, very easily by jumping into something frivilous.     I need the support of friends that understand what I am going through,  that can give some emotional support,  that we can share some commonalties,  and   some fun.   That is plain and simple.  

I know I made the right decision,  because of the calm and peace I feel most times.   The only time I am not feeling calm,  is when boundaries continue to be contravened by the father of my children.   I know we are way too enmeshed to ever undo this damage.   I have allowed this to happen,  and can’t seem to pull myself out of this bent relationship pattern.     He keeps trying to expand the time he is at the house,  and I keep agreeing to it out of being “ nice and civil”  but then it keeps expanding.    I keep thinking…well its his house too,   which is true,   but the reality is he and I cannot be under the same roof without one or both of us feeling some  negativity or tension for some wrong doing.   This negativity is toxic whether its talked about or not….the problem is it went unsaid way too long.  

We agreed to spend Sundays and some families together as a family.  I think we can do this for the sake of the children,  but I don’t want to send out any mixed messages of hope.   I agreed that since we’d already rented a cottage for part of the week in Port Franks for holidays,  that we could both be there with the kids as long as its clear we are there for the kids and nothing else.     I think by virtue that we sort of are still playing pretend….we are not being truly honest with ourselves or each other.  

I feel that unless we make a clean break,  that there will always be boundaries that will be blurred,  things taken for granted.   We are doing so much better communicating,  things are much more evenly distributed,  but we are still sort of faking it for the sake of the kids.  Yes the kids know we are separated,  but I think there is confusion here,  because everything seems very much status quo as things did before with the exception that we usually aren’t here at the same time.      The other part that really bothers me,  is I have made a point of telling my friends and my family, because I feel its crucial that I have support from them going through this.    He has chosen not to tell most of his friends and family because 1. He is embarrassed,   and 2.)   He feels they won’t understand and doesn’t want to trouble them .  

This made fathers day very difficult for everyone.   I want my children to learn honesty and openness and was forced to ask them not to say anything to their paternal grandparents.     So I really feel this relationship has me in a fix to not live congruently…. 

We are still going to a counselor every couple of weeks to keep things moving forward.   He still has hope we will be able to work things out,  even though I feel I have been making it blatently clear that I do not like myself in this relationship,  and love myself when I am not in it.    Its very clear to me.   

I feel the most loving thing I could do right now is make a clean break for all of us….I thought that is what I had done, but since we haven’t taken any legal action  the hope I guess is still present.  I really don’t trust lawyers much, and financially it is a tough road to take,  if we can do everything civil that is my preference…but when there are so many forged patterns  this just isn’t a good mix.        I have been raising the issue that we knew there were problems two years ago,   but really did nothing to work on our relationship.   That was a choice,  whether it was a conscious choice or not.  That hurt me…any time I allowed myself to think about it.   He didn’t care enough to work on it all that time,  but when the threat of losing me is there,  then he’s willing to give it a fair shake?     But yet has the odacity to threaten me that potentially if I chose back then to bring up the very topic of separation…..then be ready for it to happen.   Yah…I guess I am a little bitter.   I am so ready for this all to be over.    I love him as the father of my children,  he makes a good dad,  but a lousy friend, life partner support, confidant,….

Still a long road to go before my heart is healed    Though I fully believe I am capable of being open to love again… if I am truly honest with myself and others….friendship is all I can muster…in the moment…

Want to be fully present…open to a miracle here to heal this heart.    (and I am way too brilliant to believe that someone else can mend it…this is between me and God and no one else…)     My mom taught me this lesson well……

more congruence...what this means for me...

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.Mohandas Gandhi

Some great thoughts to meditate on this week.   I really want to strive to live a congruent life.   I long to be true and honest with myself and own this kind of happiness in my life and believe I am closer to attaining this.   I have been pretending for far to long that everything was Ok...that somehow I had lost sight of how unauthentic I'd become.   For someone like me that values honesty and truth,   no wonder I had been grappling and unhappy in my relationship...for its the main area that I feel I have been most dishonest with myself.       My husband and I had been married for a little short of 18 years,   we had been together for 4 years prior to our marriage so I would say we've been together for 22 years,  that is more than half my lifetime.   Scary thought.  That is likely why this separation has shocked so many in our lives,  but I so strongly feel it is so right and should have happened so many years ago.   Its how unauthentic I have become in this relationship,  because of my fear of conflict.    I have really endeavoured to challenge my patterns of relating in the relationship but somehow continue to fall short.   So there has been more conflict in this relationship in the last 2 years alone,  since I have been challenging my patterns...than I can ever remember happening.      So he and I were sitting down the other night trying to hash out a contract of sorts,  a schedule of who would be with the children when,  and what all were conditions of the separation.   For some reason he felt that physical affections should still be part of the contract.   ....I guess this shouldn't surprize me very much...because I have been so inauthetic about this....   

2 years ago when we first started seeing a counsellor together at CPRI,  and they suggested we should seek couples counselling because of how "unhealthy" they viewed our relationship.  (Problem is I don't think he respects Social Workers advice,  and the fact that I used to work at CPRI,  and used to be friends and colleagues with the people that were saying this,  I don't believe he really took any of this serious.)   He sought his group counselling which had everything to do with being more available to his children.   This was great and I am grateful for the changes and improvements he has made in his relationships with his children.  I sought individual counselling to work on the "me part of relating".     It came out during our sessions at CPRI that I was disatisfied with the intimacy in our relationship or lack thereoff....no real spiritual connectedness...and poor communication.   He felt that intimacy was the one thing that was great about our relationship.    Problem is we had different definitions of what intimacy truely was....   Well  I never have equated our sexual relationship with intimacy.   It is only one element of intimacy,  and while the sex I believe was good,   the depths of our relationship were not...   I think we hid a little in our "good " sex life and let alot of things hinge on that...       So I think he was pretty shocked,  that I would say that this is something that is off limits.  While I love sex,   I love myself too much to continue to be inauthentic in this arena....   If I do not feel very loving towards someone,  at the moment...why would I continue to pretend and go through the motions....   Just for the sheer physical satisfaction....   I don't feel that is fair to me,  and especially him.   It would give hope,  where there may not be any to have.   Yes,  I will miss the sex,  I have to be honest about that much.... but I used to have sex regardless of how I was feeling., while ..and would feel really aweful after about the dishonesty.   I believe I will be happier...if what I say.... what I think and what I do are in congruence....   I believe this wisdom wholeheartedly....and don't believe it should only apply to my sex life,  and my relationships....but every aspect of my life....    These were the aspects of my life that I had held onto old patterns....and where I really was not being true to my heart...

Bittersweet...times of change....

Bittersweet that in order to achieve serenity and peace,  I am forced to make a decision to be apart more often from my children,  but I don’t feel it would be fair to have their father not as involved in their lives,  after all the one area I have seen some growth and improvement in for him,  has been him wanting to spend more time with his kids,  who am I to take this away from him,  or from my children for that matter.   There has been a building tension in our relationship for the last 15 years,  it blows once in a while…and then there is calmness for a while…but the tension can get so thick at times…

I think it has a lot to do with our poor communication with each other…and avoidance tendancies…

I hold myself partially responsible here…I have always “tried to address” the issue…wanted the communication to improve…but get so damn wimpy about it and wishy washy …after I address it…it may improve briefly…but then fall flat……and then ofcourse I don’t like to “nag”  so I leave it alone….until…ofcourse it builds again…   I

I have tried to change my personal responses to our patterns of relating through counseling…but found that  though I could change my outward reactions,  my inward reactions were still very bitter, tense,  resentful,  hurt…..

Its because I really believe I need emotional support,  mutual respect and open communication in my relationships…and its something that though I have tried,   has really never been present.  This was fine when I didn’t feel as good about myself I guess…but I am really struggling with it now….

My counselor suggested that maybe I need accept this is never going to change,  and if it doesn’t…can I live with this fact….  

Well…like I have mentioned before…  I really have grown in the last two years where I feel so much better about myself…all with one exception…in my relationship with my spouse.

We r now going to try it separately…

I notified Community Services Coordination Network as I felt they should be aware of this.   We have our eldest son who has Autism placed on a waiting list for placement.   I never anticipated that this decision to separate would impact his priority on the wait list,  but feel it has.   Only a week after I notified CSCN,  I was advised by the coordinator of the HomeShare program,  they may have a potential placement for our son.   I’m a little taken aback by this.   As was my son’s father,  who for the first time ever…identified that maybe he felt this was too soon for placement.   I fought this so much…and didn’t want Sean placed for the longest time…  but really strongly feel that together Rob and I always struggled with communication…and these breakdowns often posed some risks to Sean…  

I believe that Rob and I ended up staying together for a lot longer than we ever should have,  due to the fear that I had on trying it alone with a child with Severe behaviours/ Autism/ intellectual delay and three other children.   I have overcome this fear,  as things are much clearer now…and I realize I don’t think I was doing anyone any favours by trying to hold this all together.   I believe that when I am with Sean and the other kids alone,  I am much more hypervigilant…which I know isn’t the greatest…but know I can trust I won’t allow Sean out of my sight…I am not relying on anyone else watchful eye…except the support workers ofcourse…     But when it was Rob and I,   I would become lax,  and trust that while he was watching him,  I could let my guard down a little…well the problem was the lack of communication…if someone stopped watching…the torch has to be passed to someone without the assumption that its just gonna happen…and this is usually when Sean took opportunities to take off….I still believe my other 3 children suffer some negligence when I have to be so devoted to keeping a hypervigilant lookout to Sean, to ensure his safety…so I believe a placement for him is a necessary evil.  We will still have plenty of great times together as a family,  it just will be under different circumstances…and our definition of family is evolving.  

I’m not blaming anyone,  I think it’s a bad pattern he and I developed together…and its got over 20 years of habit to overcome….I am not holding my breathe on this one…   and I think I have given up hope that anything will change.  Again…I don’t think It would be overly fair to expect this kind of change of anyone…I think he can change a little…but fear I have way too many expectations,  way too many dreams…

The resentments are also about not sharing the same priorities in life in general,  the same ideas on parenting…there are so many differences…but I think the worst thing is the constant sarcasm…which I used to love…but have learned to hate…I always feel mocked and always feel not listened to, nor respected.  The lack of consistency is a problem…I fear will continue to be a problem with our new system,   but atleast we won’t be under the same roof at the same time to cause more tension with it.

The worst part of all of this is the pain I see it causing my children.   We have both told the children how much we love them,  that this isn’t really about them,  but that we really don’t see eye to eye and don’t really get along.   My 9 year old told me several weeks ago she’d noticed that her dad and I weren’t always getting along very well,  and this hurt her.  Well   this was useful information when talking to her about why we were doing this.   She seems to understand a bit about the tension,  and how we both seem calmer when we r going it alone,  believe it or not.   

I know how aweful I felt when my mom left my dad when I was 8,  the difference is the police were at my home weekly,  lived just down the street from the station,  but domestic violence is no one’s friend.  I think that is why this tension cycle that Rob and I had seemed all too familiar…and I always feared the big blow outs…no one was ever really hurt…at least physically….   Probably a lot of emotional scars. 

Even though my family life growing up was less than normal,  violence ridden… I still was angry at my parents for separating.   I don’t expect this will be easy,  but believe they will understand in the long run.   It took me a long time to believe it…but now believe it was the best thing my mother ever did for us,  and for her.  

New Beginnings

New Beginnings:::I have travelled down many roads...and for the longest time really felt stuck in the mud...and a little lost.   There was a fog preventing me from being able to see things clearly.   I've never been one good at admitting defeat...   I always try to find the good even in the worst of circumstances.   I really think my docs were right when they said they thought I was depressed,  but I just said I'm not depressed,  its the situation I am in...its a "situational" depression...   Well I really feel the haze has lifted....the sun is shining and I am feeling great. 
Many things have contributed to my new outlook...   My new approach to my life,  my healthier lifestyle,  my love for my self.   I used to believe it was so important to be selfless...so much to the point I totally lost my self...and self respect with it.   I've had friends talk about narcissism lately...and cannot identify with this at all...   If loving myself means I am "narcissitic"  so be it,   I don't believe that is the case at all....   I don't believe God would want me to not love myself enough to take good care of me.   I still care deeply about others,  in fact I believe because I feel so much better about myself I am able to show people more love. 
I have been able to " Let Go" of parts of my life that have not been healthy for me.   I am setting on a new course,  a new adventure.   I need to know that I can face my fears head on....  my biggest fear two years ago was that my husband and I were on the brink of separating.   The fear had more to do with not feeling secure in myself,  in my strength than a fear of losing love.   I do not love what our relationship does to one another,  I do not love who I am in this relationship.   So we are trying something new.   I know I need to be with my children and love them dearly.   I know I do not want to take from my children opportunities to be with their father,  but I know at present what exists is not a healthy relationship...one I do not wish my children to continue to be exposed to.   We will both have turns being with our children,  we are going to a counsellor to try to figure this one out,  we still plan to have some family outings but there is much love lost,  and really unsure if that part is workable,  for now I have drawn a line in the sand and unless there are significant changes...that part of the relationship cannot continue.  I don't like putting conditions on love,  and I have never been one to like forcing change on others...I'm usually such a live and let live kind of gal,  but there are some things that seem to be deal breakers with me,  the things that break my heart.    We are parents that love our children,  at least we still have that in common.
I am looking at this as an opportunity to prove to myself,  that I am strong enough to do my share of things on my own,  that my fear was not real.      The thing I know best right now,  which helped make this decision easier was how much calmer, more organized and together I feel when I am alone with the children...this surprized me immensely...I wasn't resenting what wasn't getting done by others that were present...if you know what I mean....  I had to pull it together on my own,  ....this was just a glimmer of the hope that I want...   God grant me the strength to endure this self inflicted test.   I had too many expectations on my partner to do what I believed was "his share" of things.     I know deep down the children will be better off,  if both he and I are calmer,  even if we aren't together.  I wonder,  and hope this new arrangement will have a similar effect on him,  and have ensured that there is sufficient support work almost 100% of the time,  when its his turn.    The queen of fairness,  right....  well   I am sure he doesn't see it that way,   but I know I have been more than fair  and that is what matters truely.     I tried for the longest time to shift my thinking,  to love unconditionally,   to forgive all past wounds....but this was very onesided.   Old relationship patterns die hard...   so I prayed for the strength to Let Go,  to give me strength to face my fears... and I believe I was granted my prayer...because I am at peace with this decision.   I don't look at this as ending as much as a new beginning and freedom from fear.  A chance for my children to know real love. 

least amount of damage?...

Well so I went to my counsellor to vent my frustrations,  and to hopefully find a better way of coping with my relationship difficulties...   We discussed inviting my spouse into counselling sessions but I cautioned this would likely be the beginning of the end.   We discussed whether this is something I am ready for.   I know my family circumstances are difficult and make it such that separation or divorce could through things into a downward spiral,  especially for my son that has Autism,  that does not cope well with most changes...   So if this potentially is the direction we may be heading how can we do so with the least amount of damage for the children.   Again  I am feeling guilty for wanting more for myself emotionally than I have ever gotten from this relationship,  or will likely ever get from this relationship....   And to think that any decision I make may affect my children's emotional well being breaks my heart.    I also believe it would be foolish for me to continue to remain in an unhealthy relationship just for the kids sake...because I do believe they are impacted negatively by this as well...Just by the tension alone.        I know there are problems when my own children point out how much my spouse and I argue.   I also believe the best thing my mother ever did for me and my sister was to get out of her unhealthy relationship with my father....but that is 34 years of hindsight!!!   I know I didn't feel that way at the time.       I am posting an article of one of the temporary ways I am thinking of as a means of making this work with the least amount of damage...at least until our son that has Autism is placed with a HomeShare family.      We go together to further discuss our marriage,  whats working,  whats not,  and the possibility of separating after the long weekend.  This is going to seem like an awefully long two weeks....and though I have agreed to give this over to God...part of me wants to hang on with dear life....but thats the fear talking...     I know what I don't want to happen,  is to wait until all the kids are grown,  and then discover...we never should have stayed together....   I hear of and see this all the time,  and we all deserve better than this.   Here's one temporary fix,  my friend even has an apartment for rent so it could be doable....
or then again...to keep costs down there's the room w kitchenette and washroom downstairs....but I really think that would not really feel like a separation,  as we already seemingly are two ships that pass in the night...    I know I want answers,  want action whatever that means....not really satisfied with the status quo...
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/family-and-relationships/mom-says-hello-dad-says-goodbye/article1261919/

Damaged souls...

I am not Perfect nor near perfect, and know we are all human and make mistakes…but there are some things as a mother I find very difficult to forgive. I had an absolutely beautiful mothers day for the most part. There were a few inklings here and there of negativity…but more in the line of positivity…
I had my sister, her daughter my mother and her partner…and my spouses parents out to a buffet brunch and then over to our place afterwards….that was all good. I enjoyed walking in the I-Matter March with my children…all of them including Sean…right by my side. We enjoyed an hour at the festivities afterwards with the children doing crafts, enjoying the musical entertainment. I even had an enjoyable hour long bikeride virtually problem free with my eldest son.
So why is it that I am struggling….and have a deep sorrow in my heart. Why can’t I chuck this up as a wonderfully beautiful day. My outward reactions speak loudly that it was a beautiful day….but…two negative attitudes…I’ve allowed to tarnish what otherwise would have been the most beautiful day.
The first was tiny…just around who should be preparing breakfast…which I took in stride and dealt with with a compromise of sorts… I would never allow something so insignificant ruin my day… though yes it was mothers day…breakfast at our house can be complicated due to allergies…and special ingredients considerations… So while refusing to prepare breakfast….because truly I would have been satisfied with the orange juice and toast my 6 year old made me….I agreed to make Joseph’s egg free pancakes.
The second is the part I have difficulty forgiving….and its been a troubling thing for quite sometime… Its my spouses reactions to our son’s autism, and behaviours that are I feel directly related to it. Yes…I too have reactions….but I try to not have them so evident in front of this child and the rest of the family for that matter because I don’t believe that does anyone any good. These happenings …occur few and far between but they happen…they break my heart. The way to win over a mothers heart is not to call their child a “f__king jerk” …yes the behaviours are difficult…but I am unimpressed beyond repair.
I don’t believe it matters what the behavior was…. But I will tell you its not easy finding your child to have dumped out anything….Sean enjoys pouring out containers…of whatever…. He used to have a huge behavior of dumping his cereal bowl every morning but he’s been conditioned out of that one. My outward reaction this time….I was able to keep in check….I asked him calmly to please do not call him that… While he agreed…I do not believe this will be the last time….
This has occurred before with different behaviours….and it breaks my heart every time. Sometimes I have little control and respond with a “get the “f…K out” which later I end up eating crow for….because I truly have difficulty imagining being able to do this on my own.
So I am off to my counselor tonight, to further discuss all the difficulties I have with my reactions in this relationship… and I know the time has come he has to be invited into this conversation.
I also know that he has threatened that if the conversation is going to be one involving possible separation, I had better be ready for it to happen. Not sure if I am ready …but I do think its an option that needs to be explored and I am not going to avoid this one out of fear anymore… I have to give this one over to God.
There have been many things damaging to many souls here…too much to leave unspoken or unsaid…

The attitudes of ascension...

Renewed energy:

My recent journey has brought me to the realization…that I have been relying on the infusion of energy and joy that I  get from  working out, and running…and seem to be busying myself to the 9nth degree again…not leaving room for the spiritual part of me.   When I’m out of kilter,  things will falter…and my attitude starts to suffer.   

I will parallel this to back when Sean was really struggling behaviourally,  when I too was burning out…right before I realized I could do no more on my own strength…   I had been to my son’s psychiatrist…and its funny that I pointed out with an allusion to narrative therapy that me holding a construction masterpiece together…in this Dr. office…for fear of Sean having a meltdown…was very much like I felt I was doing with the rest of our lives…I felt like a low bearing wall for our family keeping it all together…….and the fact that at the time I was doing fairly poorly from a mental health stand point,  spiritually, emotionally and physically…it…like Sean’s construction could fall apart at any minute. 

I feel I personally have come along way from this place, emotionally, spiritually, and physically…there are still days I question my mental stability…..but I forced change…I said no more to me feeling like I was doing it all…and we are all better for it.   The part that I still feel like is on the verge of falling apart is our family,  but I no longer will accept full responsibility for maintaining this,  its not that I have given up,  I just do not feel that this was a balanced approach,  and still feel drawn to take over the reigns at time…to “try to make it all better”.    Classic…

So I decided to get back to basics,  and return to some of my love and search for peace and my relationship with God.   I had started back to meditation on my own,  but was really feeling something was missing.   I always felt more in touch with God when I was running,  and when I am exploring nature but really felt there needed to be more, …more peace of mind.   I know I wasn’t really taking enough time for meditation,  I was mostly only practicing open eyed ascension techniques…and knew I wanted to go back to a retreat to relearn what I was missing so much. 

It’s the attitudes that I am striving for in my life….

The attitudes to help me overcome discouragement,  and at times struggles with my faith,  with my beliefs,   with the pain that I see everyday and always question.   I need to quiet my mind…because though I love being so curious,  it sometimes gets the better of me,  and has me overwhelmed beyond belief….I love that I can feel so deeply…but sometimes the rollercoaster has me and others in my world spinning.  

The attitudes which we learned techniques to meditate on….during the Ascension retreat were as follows :  What I love so much about these attitudes and techniques is that they are universally spiritual,  and anyone from any faith can practice them,  and bring their own belief system to.   No judgements…its whatever works for you…you infuse them with your own faith and you need to remember that what ever you do,  do not use a term with them that brings any negative connotation/ memory for your heart.

Attitude of Praise:

Attitude of Gratitude:

Attitude of Love:

Attitude of Compassion

I felt so awesome and refilled with Joy after attending the Friday and Saturday parts of this retreat,  I was discouraged that I couldn’t attend the Sunday,  but the reality is my family needs me also.  I am grateful I had the opportunity to attend as much as I did.  

So…I’ve been warned when you reintroduce these attitudes into your life you need to commit to at least 20 minutes of meditation every morning and 20 minutes before going to bed to regain its full effect in one’s life, as well as open eyed ascension.  Well having a bit of a rebellious spirit…and believing this is the creative side of me…this  makes it more challenging….  Part  of the warning is that you will be faced with challenges beyond belief as reasons not to spend this extra time.  I know this happened last time after spending close to 300 on the retreat,  I only lasted several weeks with the commitment of the meditation,  then somehow justified that open eyed ascending would do,  because time constraints wouldn’t allow otherwise….the things you tell yourself.  And ofcourse it took very little time at all to even forget the open eyed part of the ascenscion….I am just thankful that while running one day…the thought returned to me…that it was time to renew my faith,  my attitudes…While I’ve never been an overly negative person,  I am confronted by negativity….its impossible to be present in this world…and aware of what is happening at each in every moment without being blasted in the face with the negativeity out there.   I struggle…and at times on my own faith and strength…fail miserably to fight these attitudes and succumb quite easily and at times readily to them….  Damn it sometimes it feels good  to be angry…and I do believe that the full range of emotions is essential…to ensure you are really dealing with how you feel…and not just pushing them away,  or sweeping them under a carpet.  Ofcourse a social worker would say this,  but so believe it to be true.  

I am fortunate to have a few friends,  and my counselor that have helped support me through my roller coaster ride of feelings,  I do wish however I received more support from others in my life…when they are feelings related to relationships,  but I feel I have learned down this long road this is futile to expect any change,  and I can only change my role, my reactions  and relationship to others…I have absolutely no control over others feelings,  or lack of comfort with them, their ability or lack of ability to show support. 

Well I am just as busy as I was back then…if not busier….but I definitely have so much more energy than I ever did,   and I cannot allow myself to justify not ascending.   I need to commit to 20 minutes every morning,  and every nite.   So why am I surprised that Monday I was faced with my first challenge,  I was faithful to this commitment all day Sunday,  including before the race,  and before bed Sunday nite,  Monday morning,   but then I was in so much pain,  and frustration on Monday night….I allowed my attitude to win out.   

So back to basics again tonight, and I have to thank a friend for posting some nice videos by
Anthony DeMelo,  a spiritual teacher I followed a few years back,  to bring me back to the crossroads of what its all about.  The thing about feelings…is that they will come,  and they will go….If I am Aware….I will still feel them…I will not be sleepwalking through this life.   I may even feel them more intensely…but the awareness will help with my attitude….it will bring me back to the need to ascend…to be closer in relationship with God……. To the joy...the praise,  the love,  the compassion…

Its how I am dealing with coping with my relationship to my world.   I don’t want to be asleep anymore…I want to be present…. Even though some of these things are very painful to cope with…and I just at times feel like running for the hills….I know that deep in my soul there is better for me and my family if I choose to be present.  

Busying myself beyond belief sometimes I think is my way of hiding, of avoidance and though I love being busy…I need to make time for the spiritual part of my life that at times has been missing. 
Back to basics…trying to find some balance again….finding peace and joy.