Damaged souls...

I am not Perfect nor near perfect, and know we are all human and make mistakes…but there are some things as a mother I find very difficult to forgive. I had an absolutely beautiful mothers day for the most part. There were a few inklings here and there of negativity…but more in the line of positivity…
I had my sister, her daughter my mother and her partner…and my spouses parents out to a buffet brunch and then over to our place afterwards….that was all good. I enjoyed walking in the I-Matter March with my children…all of them including Sean…right by my side. We enjoyed an hour at the festivities afterwards with the children doing crafts, enjoying the musical entertainment. I even had an enjoyable hour long bikeride virtually problem free with my eldest son.
So why is it that I am struggling….and have a deep sorrow in my heart. Why can’t I chuck this up as a wonderfully beautiful day. My outward reactions speak loudly that it was a beautiful day….but…two negative attitudes…I’ve allowed to tarnish what otherwise would have been the most beautiful day.
The first was tiny…just around who should be preparing breakfast…which I took in stride and dealt with with a compromise of sorts… I would never allow something so insignificant ruin my day… though yes it was mothers day…breakfast at our house can be complicated due to allergies…and special ingredients considerations… So while refusing to prepare breakfast….because truly I would have been satisfied with the orange juice and toast my 6 year old made me….I agreed to make Joseph’s egg free pancakes.
The second is the part I have difficulty forgiving….and its been a troubling thing for quite sometime… Its my spouses reactions to our son’s autism, and behaviours that are I feel directly related to it. Yes…I too have reactions….but I try to not have them so evident in front of this child and the rest of the family for that matter because I don’t believe that does anyone any good. These happenings …occur few and far between but they happen…they break my heart. The way to win over a mothers heart is not to call their child a “f__king jerk” …yes the behaviours are difficult…but I am unimpressed beyond repair.
I don’t believe it matters what the behavior was…. But I will tell you its not easy finding your child to have dumped out anything….Sean enjoys pouring out containers…of whatever…. He used to have a huge behavior of dumping his cereal bowl every morning but he’s been conditioned out of that one. My outward reaction this time….I was able to keep in check….I asked him calmly to please do not call him that… While he agreed…I do not believe this will be the last time….
This has occurred before with different behaviours….and it breaks my heart every time. Sometimes I have little control and respond with a “get the “f…K out” which later I end up eating crow for….because I truly have difficulty imagining being able to do this on my own.
So I am off to my counselor tonight, to further discuss all the difficulties I have with my reactions in this relationship… and I know the time has come he has to be invited into this conversation.
I also know that he has threatened that if the conversation is going to be one involving possible separation, I had better be ready for it to happen. Not sure if I am ready …but I do think its an option that needs to be explored and I am not going to avoid this one out of fear anymore… I have to give this one over to God.
There have been many things damaging to many souls here…too much to leave unspoken or unsaid…