The attitudes of ascension...

Renewed energy:

My recent journey has brought me to the realization…that I have been relying on the infusion of energy and joy that I  get from  working out, and running…and seem to be busying myself to the 9nth degree again…not leaving room for the spiritual part of me.   When I’m out of kilter,  things will falter…and my attitude starts to suffer.   

I will parallel this to back when Sean was really struggling behaviourally,  when I too was burning out…right before I realized I could do no more on my own strength…   I had been to my son’s psychiatrist…and its funny that I pointed out with an allusion to narrative therapy that me holding a construction masterpiece together…in this Dr. office…for fear of Sean having a meltdown…was very much like I felt I was doing with the rest of our lives…I felt like a low bearing wall for our family keeping it all together…….and the fact that at the time I was doing fairly poorly from a mental health stand point,  spiritually, emotionally and physically…it…like Sean’s construction could fall apart at any minute. 

I feel I personally have come along way from this place, emotionally, spiritually, and physically…there are still days I question my mental stability…..but I forced change…I said no more to me feeling like I was doing it all…and we are all better for it.   The part that I still feel like is on the verge of falling apart is our family,  but I no longer will accept full responsibility for maintaining this,  its not that I have given up,  I just do not feel that this was a balanced approach,  and still feel drawn to take over the reigns at time…to “try to make it all better”.    Classic…

So I decided to get back to basics,  and return to some of my love and search for peace and my relationship with God.   I had started back to meditation on my own,  but was really feeling something was missing.   I always felt more in touch with God when I was running,  and when I am exploring nature but really felt there needed to be more, …more peace of mind.   I know I wasn’t really taking enough time for meditation,  I was mostly only practicing open eyed ascension techniques…and knew I wanted to go back to a retreat to relearn what I was missing so much. 

It’s the attitudes that I am striving for in my life….

The attitudes to help me overcome discouragement,  and at times struggles with my faith,  with my beliefs,   with the pain that I see everyday and always question.   I need to quiet my mind…because though I love being so curious,  it sometimes gets the better of me,  and has me overwhelmed beyond belief….I love that I can feel so deeply…but sometimes the rollercoaster has me and others in my world spinning.  

The attitudes which we learned techniques to meditate on….during the Ascension retreat were as follows :  What I love so much about these attitudes and techniques is that they are universally spiritual,  and anyone from any faith can practice them,  and bring their own belief system to.   No judgements…its whatever works for you…you infuse them with your own faith and you need to remember that what ever you do,  do not use a term with them that brings any negative connotation/ memory for your heart.

Attitude of Praise:

Attitude of Gratitude:

Attitude of Love:

Attitude of Compassion

I felt so awesome and refilled with Joy after attending the Friday and Saturday parts of this retreat,  I was discouraged that I couldn’t attend the Sunday,  but the reality is my family needs me also.  I am grateful I had the opportunity to attend as much as I did.  

So…I’ve been warned when you reintroduce these attitudes into your life you need to commit to at least 20 minutes of meditation every morning and 20 minutes before going to bed to regain its full effect in one’s life, as well as open eyed ascension.  Well having a bit of a rebellious spirit…and believing this is the creative side of me…this  makes it more challenging….  Part  of the warning is that you will be faced with challenges beyond belief as reasons not to spend this extra time.  I know this happened last time after spending close to 300 on the retreat,  I only lasted several weeks with the commitment of the meditation,  then somehow justified that open eyed ascending would do,  because time constraints wouldn’t allow otherwise….the things you tell yourself.  And ofcourse it took very little time at all to even forget the open eyed part of the ascenscion….I am just thankful that while running one day…the thought returned to me…that it was time to renew my faith,  my attitudes…While I’ve never been an overly negative person,  I am confronted by negativity….its impossible to be present in this world…and aware of what is happening at each in every moment without being blasted in the face with the negativeity out there.   I struggle…and at times on my own faith and strength…fail miserably to fight these attitudes and succumb quite easily and at times readily to them….  Damn it sometimes it feels good  to be angry…and I do believe that the full range of emotions is essential…to ensure you are really dealing with how you feel…and not just pushing them away,  or sweeping them under a carpet.  Ofcourse a social worker would say this,  but so believe it to be true.  

I am fortunate to have a few friends,  and my counselor that have helped support me through my roller coaster ride of feelings,  I do wish however I received more support from others in my life…when they are feelings related to relationships,  but I feel I have learned down this long road this is futile to expect any change,  and I can only change my role, my reactions  and relationship to others…I have absolutely no control over others feelings,  or lack of comfort with them, their ability or lack of ability to show support. 

Well I am just as busy as I was back then…if not busier….but I definitely have so much more energy than I ever did,   and I cannot allow myself to justify not ascending.   I need to commit to 20 minutes every morning,  and every nite.   So why am I surprised that Monday I was faced with my first challenge,  I was faithful to this commitment all day Sunday,  including before the race,  and before bed Sunday nite,  Monday morning,   but then I was in so much pain,  and frustration on Monday night….I allowed my attitude to win out.   

So back to basics again tonight, and I have to thank a friend for posting some nice videos by
Anthony DeMelo,  a spiritual teacher I followed a few years back,  to bring me back to the crossroads of what its all about.  The thing about feelings…is that they will come,  and they will go….If I am Aware….I will still feel them…I will not be sleepwalking through this life.   I may even feel them more intensely…but the awareness will help with my attitude….it will bring me back to the need to ascend…to be closer in relationship with God……. To the joy...the praise,  the love,  the compassion…

Its how I am dealing with coping with my relationship to my world.   I don’t want to be asleep anymore…I want to be present…. Even though some of these things are very painful to cope with…and I just at times feel like running for the hills….I know that deep in my soul there is better for me and my family if I choose to be present.  

Busying myself beyond belief sometimes I think is my way of hiding, of avoidance and though I love being busy…I need to make time for the spiritual part of my life that at times has been missing. 
Back to basics…trying to find some balance again….finding peace and joy.