New Beginnings

New Beginnings:::I have travelled down many roads...and for the longest time really felt stuck in the mud...and a little lost.   There was a fog preventing me from being able to see things clearly.   I've never been one good at admitting defeat...   I always try to find the good even in the worst of circumstances.   I really think my docs were right when they said they thought I was depressed,  but I just said I'm not depressed,  its the situation I am in...its a "situational" depression...   Well I really feel the haze has lifted....the sun is shining and I am feeling great. 
Many things have contributed to my new outlook...   My new approach to my life,  my healthier lifestyle,  my love for my self.   I used to believe it was so important to be selfless...so much to the point I totally lost my self...and self respect with it.   I've had friends talk about narcissism lately...and cannot identify with this at all...   If loving myself means I am "narcissitic"  so be it,   I don't believe that is the case at all....   I don't believe God would want me to not love myself enough to take good care of me.   I still care deeply about others,  in fact I believe because I feel so much better about myself I am able to show people more love. 
I have been able to " Let Go" of parts of my life that have not been healthy for me.   I am setting on a new course,  a new adventure.   I need to know that I can face my fears head on....  my biggest fear two years ago was that my husband and I were on the brink of separating.   The fear had more to do with not feeling secure in myself,  in my strength than a fear of losing love.   I do not love what our relationship does to one another,  I do not love who I am in this relationship.   So we are trying something new.   I know I need to be with my children and love them dearly.   I know I do not want to take from my children opportunities to be with their father,  but I know at present what exists is not a healthy relationship...one I do not wish my children to continue to be exposed to.   We will both have turns being with our children,  we are going to a counsellor to try to figure this one out,  we still plan to have some family outings but there is much love lost,  and really unsure if that part is workable,  for now I have drawn a line in the sand and unless there are significant changes...that part of the relationship cannot continue.  I don't like putting conditions on love,  and I have never been one to like forcing change on others...I'm usually such a live and let live kind of gal,  but there are some things that seem to be deal breakers with me,  the things that break my heart.    We are parents that love our children,  at least we still have that in common.
I am looking at this as an opportunity to prove to myself,  that I am strong enough to do my share of things on my own,  that my fear was not real.      The thing I know best right now,  which helped make this decision easier was how much calmer, more organized and together I feel when I am alone with the children...this surprized me immensely...I wasn't resenting what wasn't getting done by others that were present...if you know what I mean....  I had to pull it together on my own,  ....this was just a glimmer of the hope that I want...   God grant me the strength to endure this self inflicted test.   I had too many expectations on my partner to do what I believed was "his share" of things.     I know deep down the children will be better off,  if both he and I are calmer,  even if we aren't together.  I wonder,  and hope this new arrangement will have a similar effect on him,  and have ensured that there is sufficient support work almost 100% of the time,  when its his turn.    The queen of fairness,  right....  well   I am sure he doesn't see it that way,   but I know I have been more than fair  and that is what matters truely.     I tried for the longest time to shift my thinking,  to love unconditionally,   to forgive all past wounds....but this was very onesided.   Old relationship patterns die hard...   so I prayed for the strength to Let Go,  to give me strength to face my fears... and I believe I was granted my prayer...because I am at peace with this decision.   I don't look at this as ending as much as a new beginning and freedom from fear.  A chance for my children to know real love.