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Multiple realities? Man am I f#%ked up some times… There I go judging myself harshly again. When will I learn that that doesn’t serve me well at all. It certainly has not over the last 20 years.
This came up because I was chatting with a friend on facebook about some of my beliefs. I made a statement about realities…and was told that I could only really have one but could change it if it wasn’t working for me. I see my life very much in layers…and while I do believe these layers interact, and intersect, if I am honest with myself I think it would be nice and “neat” and tidy if I could compartimentalize these. Black and white thinking …..I know deep down…can’t really happen.
I say this, because I would just love to be able to keep separate, the parts of my life, that I am feeling so much satisfaction, fulfillment, and beauty in from the parts that are causing me so much pain. I know I need to give this one over to God. I think I sometimes must enjoy the struggle a bit too much, because I seem to insist on going through these things before I can just Let Go. So I am very happy with my current social sphere, I am becoming more satisfied with my relationship with myself and how good, self confident I feel about myself, for once in my life I am satisfied with my job, however I know I am still not quite where I want to be, this level of my reality could stand improvement…, I love my children with my heart and soul, I am very proud of the progress I have made to improve my physical health and well being. There really is only one part of my life that does not seem in sinc with the rest of my life, my reality….but because….it all is interconnected it is throwing a huge skew into the mix, and bringing pain where I feel there needs to be happiness and peace.
In order that I don’t repeat what I have already written in a previous blog, I am going to take you back on a journey to where I was about 5 months ago, I was in a bit of an attitude funk….here’s the link.
While I don’t believe I am in as much of a rut and attitude funk…it is because I feel I have made a conscious decision to make the most of each moment, however I have done nothing whatsoever really to work on that one aspect of my life that I know just isn’t right. I purposefully have avoided this one because of the fear of not being able to manage “alone” and part of me really thinks this is the likely outcome. I have 4 children, one with Autism, and another with special needs and I want to be sure that all my children are safe. I am fearful I could not provide the level of safety and security that my family needs going it alone. And the World of Autism..doesn’t cope well with Change…don’t you know..…I would be fearful that it would throw things into a bit of a crisis state, and force an issue of having to have Sean placed a lot earlier…than this would need to happen otherwise. Yes, we had decided quite a while ago down this road that Sean should be on a wait list for placement, because we know how long this process really is, because our family was in crisis 2 years ago, and came very close to falling apart back then, and knew probably deep down it would be tempting fate, to atleast not do some proactive planning given the kind of extremes Sean can go through at times. But I guess I would not be alone, would I. Until tonite, I had not given this over to God, for fear of what this may mean. I don’t feel as afraid anymore regardless of the outcome, because I know we will be okay. Like I said before, my definition of family really has gone through a transformation of sorts. Its been evolving. I know one thing…I need to reach out and pray for better for me and my family. I know deep down…though I am happy in so many levels of my life, that the one area that has the “unhappiness” hold on me…keeps tainting the rest of my reality…and I don’t think that is healthy for me, my children, or anyone for that matter. So do I think I am anyway better off than I was 5 months ago….I feel that atleast I am trying to move forward, whatever that means.
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