Relationships..flowers or weeds…nurture or cope?

Relationships are funny things…   If you don’t nurture them they are like flowers and can wither , whereas weeds I feel are the feelings in relationships that tend to strangle us in our own garden…they grow in their wiley ways  when not tended to…. 

I was very pensive over the last few days…wondering what I had done to deserve to not be invited to a family members wedding,  and it dawned on me that it very likely was nothing I had done…but something I had not done.   I have been very self absorbed in my own issues,  my own healing journey and family that in the last number of years I really feel I have isolated myself from some friends and family.   I didn’t really want to burden others with our “problems” and the issues that often come with having a child diagnosed with Autism.  I would reach out maybe once a year to some of my friends and family,  but after there started being more problems,  I didn’t reach out to certain parts of our family.  I wasn’t available to provide much support for them when they may have needed support.      I know I cannot go back and mend these relationships that have withered,  but I hope its not too late to move forward forging new relationships,  and start to water this garden and bring back some life to it.   I had a strange talk with a family member that also wasn’t invited,  who chose to respond differently to the lack of invite.   In the past,  I too may have chosen to respond from a place of hurt and choose to take these things personally.   It is feeling like this that I feel strongly if not tended too…can really cause a lot of harm to ourselves…and future relationships.  I am thinking that this would not be helpful to me,  or others in my life,  at this stage of my life.   Why must others choose to respond in bitterness,  when they could choose to move forward reach out and build or mend the relationship,  instead of tearing down….or letting the relationship wither and die more.          I have not called this family member in the last year,  so why really should I have been invited.       So I have decided I really need to reflect upon how much I really need to “get out of myself”…my self absorption…and start reaching out to others again.   Part of my journey needs to involve nurturing my relationships with others.  There are so many friendships that I feel I have neglected in so many ways.    In my family,  I always used to be the one to try to nurture our family relationships by planning get togethers.    I sort of gave up on this mission a few years ago after trying unsuccessfully for years to have a couple of “girls outings” a year for my mom and three sisters.  There always seemed to be a reason for it to not get off the ground.   At my Grandmothers funeral,  a month ago my oldest sister announced that she has embraced this mission,  and wants a commitment from each of us sisters, and my mother that we are going to make this happen at least once a year.   My sister wants this to be a “trip” / retreat like weekend…which sounds awesome to me…but part of me fears if we go “too big “ with the planning it won’t get off the ground…as I remember my struggles with the “Girls Nights”  I was trying to plan.     I want to think of what will help this happen.   Its what our family needs…all of the women in our family I feel are getting “lost” from each other including our mother.  We are getting lost in our own lives,  and I really feel that we could be so much better in our own lives…if we would stand by each other  through the good and not so good times.   Yes we are all very strong in our own ways…and pride ourselves in our “independence”…there is that damned pride again…causing relationship problems this time.   I feel I need a mentor of sorts to help me through this a little.   My mother was never really great at showing us how we needed each other,  she was great at nurturing our independence however.    I reflected again upon my discussion with another “mother” figure in my life.  Another strong woman who I could not look to as a mentor,  as she reflected the need to respond with hurt rather than toward a better understanding of how to make things better.   I almost found myself mentoring her,  as I responded to her hurt…suggesting that I didn’t feel this was doing her any good,  or would do her relationship with others any good.  I suggested that I felt I needed to respond from a different place because I did not feel the person was trying to “hurt me” in not inviting me.   I suggested that I was not about to allow my potential relationship with others be affected by this decision,  and would move forward and reach out in a more positive way.    This felt very strange,  it felt like should a 42 year old woman even try to suggest she could mentor a 70 year old woman.   Why not…?  I can learn a lot from her wisdom in many areas of her life,  but I am choosing not to learn from her  places of shame and bitterness.  Shame has had its fair shake at affecting my life,  and I do not want it to have any control on my life.  So,  where do I go from here?  Outwards and onwards on a mission to do my best to nurture those relationships I cherish,  and deal and cope with the other relationships that seem to bring me down to a place I don’t want to be.