My faith...

My faith:

So my journey has lead me this far….but I find I am still grappling with my faith…I really feel…there seems to be nowhere I really fit in this jigsaw puzzle…

I believe strongly in God….I believe so much of what I was raised to believe in but feel I have evolved beyond some of this…it perplexes me so. 

I was raised by a fairly strong United front,  my mother would play gospel tunes, go to church weekly and was prayerful…(especially Elvis Gospel tunes…must be where I get my love for the blues) blaring it Sunday mornings…until my stepfather wandered into the picture and challenged us to follow his blind belief in Catholocism….

Never did quite understand why my mother conceded to having us become Catholic when she wouldn’t and couldn’t and didn’t believe in it herself. …her marriage to my stepfather was never recognized by that church…as far as the Catholic Church hierchy they were living in sin. 

It is this very paradox…that I believe has helped shape my strong beliefs…and helped me challenge my faith.   There were so many questions….so many reasons why I never could or would identify as Catholic,  even though I went through all the motions.   My father had been excommunicated from this church because he divorced…another thing I never really understood.   How could a God that loved my father,  not forgive him for this…

I realize now…and actually long ago that these were just man made rules to I believe put man on pedastals,  and show people they would never be good enough to reach God. Some of these were derived from the bible….but man really chooses to twist things the way they want things to be known.   Twisted out of historical contexts… 

Why do we put so many barriers on ourselves….when we are told God loves us,  and insanely did the unthinkable…to give us forgiveness.    What a gift…but everyone seems to want to shame themselves and cut themselves off from God.  I just don’t get it.  

So like I said I challenged my faith and keep doing it….

I am not perfect,   unfortunately I am human and am prone to sin…I don’t go out of my way to….

When I was in my late teens…I had what I thought at the time was a revelation….

I became a “born again Christian”   can’t say I can still claim to be one,  as there are so many things for me that just don’t fit with my understanding of the love of God,  Jesus,  their love for us…and how much the born again Christians choose to hate others and separate themselves from others including the people they love.      

I actually feel my faith went to hell and back after I was born again….I felt I had to separate myself from the people I really cared deeply about,  and really lost part of who I was as an individual , my uniqueness for a while.     …  I think I truly began to hate myself when I started to judge others by “other peoples measuring sticks”  

I immersed myself in the bible,  and any Christian books I could get my hands on to try to gain some understanding.   I failed miserably and shamed myself for it.  I think this system really is set up to have one fail miserably…

I try to lead as spiritual of life as possible….my definition of spiritual has totally changed over the years…

I reach out to God in simple ways,  try to meditate…took a course in Ascension meditation,  want to go further in this,  it taught me waking meditation/ prayer.    One can do anything while meditating its pretty cool really and awakening… 

yes I believe there are some Christians that I believe get it,  about the judgement piece.   I don’t profess to know everything…and don’t profess to be right.   Maybe they are right for all all know.    I still want to be able to try to walk the walk,  help people as I believe Jesus would,  but I don’t want to identify as a born again Christian because I don’t believe I am.  I believe I may be Christian,  but believe I have developed my own faith along the road,  I’ve read Deepak Chopra,  Marianne Williamson,  A Return to Love,   A Course and Miracles….while I definitely don’t believe everything I read….I feel I have been assimilating those things that fit with my beliefs.  Do I believe the bible is the word of God,  Yes I do.   There are a lot of rules in this book,   none of which I can profess to be 100% correct on or faithful to,  and I do believe I separate myself from God when I choose to go against one of the laws.  

I also believe that though the Bible is the word of God,  I also believe in historical contexts of the writers God chose to Prophesy through.   So the message needs to be read in context as well.  

So me separating myself from my friends,  choosing a different road….I know now…is not something I am proud of….and pray my friends understand the error of my ways….that I never should have judged nor condemned them.  

I also have a very hard time believing that the God I believe in would want all these divisions,  and want everyone fighting professing that their Church is the only true Church.  

So why have I chose to raise my children Catholic?   That’s a quandary….I still have difficulty justifying to myself.   Part of me that cares too much what others think believe it or not I think is the reason.   I would fit in better with the “family”.  Remember…I learned way too early from my family experience to believe in family no matter what.  I have a different concept now what “family” really is,  or can be.    I  always did judge myself more harshly I believe than even God would.   My husband is Catholic,  and remember I “became” Catholic when I was 12 at my fathers recommendation. 

I believe its because in premise,   they believe many of the things I believed growing up,  and it gives some guidelines for my children to I hope have some Christian like principles.   While both born again and Catholocism both have their fair share of condemning values,   there are some inspired leaders believe it or not within the Catholic Faith that do walk a Christ Like walk,  there is a very strong social justice community within the Catholic Church and I can identify with that,  and this community tends to not be as judgemental and full of hipocracy as the born again Christians I had been involved.   Yes this sounds judgemental.    I have to admit to some failings of bitterness around this. 

I believe that one should not judge,  and want to reach out to others and help them through this life. 

Do I belong to a faith community …no…I do not.  I did at University. 

But after having a child with a diagnosis of Autism,  there was just one more piece that just couldn’t fit into the mold of “church” as defined by the people.  Though we tried to go,  it was pretty difficult with all eyes on us everytime our son would run in the pews,  go exploring,  scream…or whatever else.  It was too painful for me. 

I tend to believe that Church is more fluid than this…that it is “when 2 or more are gathered in his name…”   It need not be a building.    God is everywhere…and the more in touch with nature I am becoming  with my running….I feel closer to him. 

Challenge me on it…I need my faith shaken…though its been shaken to hell and back I believe with all the traumas,  tragedys losses,   and grief I have experienced in my life.  

I really struggled with my son getting a diagnosis of Autism…and how much difficulty I have had through this journey….and used to believe that God would never challenge someone beyond what he believes someone can handle….I no longer believe this 100%...I believe God knows that our faith will be shaken by these things.  I believe God gave us Free Will for a very good reason,  so that our faith would be challenged…so that our beliefs weren’t forced…and when we come to him,  its with willingness and openness.  ….but that when we are separated from him….we do some soul searching that needs to happen to bring us back closer to him. 

May sound messed up…but its what I believe….still evolving. 

I’ve integrated a sense of humour to help me cope with this life and many of the painful things we must face.  I believe strongly God has a sense of humour,  but probably not quite as bent as mine.

So as I look to the sky…I always question why…but know deep down that some questions…we’ll never have the answers to…it’d be too scary to be omnipotent I believe really.