On the Road to Balance...

So….I feel I have hit an impass…in my journey to rediscover my true self.   I truly felt I had lost myself entirely.  I weighed 180 lbs between  when I started this journey and now….and I truly was drowning emotionally, physically and spiritually.    I never ever believe in doing anything half assed….maybe this is why I allowed it to happen….I allowed motherhood to sort of swallow me whole.  The sacrifices one makes for those they love….I used to believe that this was the only way…however I now totally believe that to be whole…and to truly give to your family…means you must give to yourself the gift of your needs.  

My motto deep down tends to be to go BIG or go Home…   So in the process of this journey….I have far bypassed my initial goal….to physically lose 30 lbs.    I have now lost 40 lbs,   lost 6-8 pant sizes,  and bypassed by goal of being able to run a 5 km run.  

I fail to understand why I am not satisfied with this achievement….but truly….I know I am not “home yet”. 

So though I think I have far bypassed the goals I have set for myself….I have many goals that I know I have shelved in the name of sacrifice.    These goals  need to be embraced and to have their time in the sun.   I have decided to start again with my personal trainer….but I need much more than the physical high I get from working out…and the endorphins that pump through my system to bring me higher…yes this all will help I know…

I have started to see a counselor…..to help explore what I really need.  Yes  What I need…I guess there is a time to embrace being selfish. 

To explore my many emotional blocks and boundaries I have created along the way,  partially to protect myself,  partially out of the expectations I anticipate others have of me.    I have rediscovered that I think way tooo much! 

Who am I….

I am a mother…

Currently highly enmeshed in my children’s worlds

Maybe slightly trying to break free of the preconceived notions of

What a mother should be

As mentioned above I used to believe this always had to mean sacrifice…

I now believe that it means giving….but also sharing

A wise person once said to me to not be a Martyr…

I embraced this with all my heart because I really needed to hear this

Because I was truely drowning. I will be forever grateful.

I need to free my mind…I sort of feel I let it turn a bit to the mush of motherhood.  Worthy knowledge…and rewarding though it be….why must I always think I must entirely surrender my whole self to just one thing wholeheartedly?!  

I love learning and know deep down I need to go back to school to finish my masters to reawaken my passion for knowledge…this may be a long journey,  as financially I know I need to continue to work full time…but one step at a time.  

So there it is….Please join me in this new chapter of my journey to find some balance.