Back to too much thinking for my own good!

So our family has been undergoing a very strange journey of late.   We have started to consider what I once felt was an impossibility  for our family.  

I come from a family with fairly strong silent values of “stickin together at all costs..”  

My mother demonstrated this belief for over 14 years before she made a very brave decision to cut all losses and leave my father.  I was just 8 years old at that time…and rebelled by becoming “selectively mute”  for a short while…but long enough for my mother to seek help of a child psychiatrist…one whom explained that anger is played out in many ways….my choice was to be silent.   Though I was angry at the age of 8,  I have grown to realize that the best thing my mother ever did for our family was to leave my father.   She endured many years of abuse before her decision to leave.  

She remarried a few years later,  my stepfather whom adopted my sister and I . Though we were a strange breed of blended family….I learned a lot about sticking it out once again…through good and bad times.  My mother would joke about wanting to  ‘run away from home’ which I suspect was a lot more closer to the truth than she would ever have wanted to admit.

Needless to stay I have endured my fair share of tough times  (yes I do tend towards minimizing things entirely…and these experiences have defined my beliefs of what a family should be,  and what a family can endure.   Some of my beliefs I believe are caused by a rebellion of sorts of attitudes that I have challenged over the years.  ….I have made harsh judgements  in the past about my stepfathers decisions to have very little involvement with my older stepsister whom has a diagnosis of schizophrenia.

Its because of these experiences that I feel that I am struggling with a very tough but real decision I have had to make.   If it weren’t for all my self exploration,  and self improved lifestyle of exercise…and better eating  and treating myself with kindness….I would not have been able to cross this bridge.  

I am still very much struggling ….my head and my heart are in a turmultuous battle….but in my mind I know that I have made the right decision for all of my children,  for me and the rest of the family….    I do not like what we as a family have become even though I know I am very much responsible for creating this world.  There is always so much tension around here you could cut it with a knife…we walk on eggshells at times trying to prevent the inevitable…  

We have decided to start exploring having my eldest son who has a diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder placed in another family.   We are exploring an option called Homeshare where we will still be able to be very much involved…

There is no doubt about my love for my son,   but I also love my other children and am starting to love myself enough to know what we have been living is not the healthiest experience for all concerned…including Sean.

My heart really has fun with this one…as nothing could compare to what my mother put up with…this is what I always have said to myself to say…hey  look on the bright side…it could be a lot worse.  

The games we play with ourselves to be able to cope under extreme circumstances.  

My son has the most beautiful smile…he is a true joy to be with  at times….but he is a child of extremes….he experiences fear and anger just as intensely as he experiences joy….and the problem is he has no words for which to express these intense emotions….and doesn’t have controls for which to regulate them.  The terrifying screams….are plainly that…..they can be excruitiating….and I am sure terrifying for some…in fact I have been approached by community members expressing just that  …: do you know how terrifying it is for us to hear that”  ….to which I have responded….can you imagine how terrifying it must be to live with this 24/7  (I am definitely not proud of my rebuttal)  but sometimes people can be very insensitive.)  

So we have taken the first step towards breaking free of  the sort of “prison” of sorts we have created .   Sean has been through residential treatment and his behaviours seem very much improved and under control at present,  but my worst fears are what lies ahead when he goes through puberty.   We can no longer keep him safe as we used to be able to,  he is becoming too strong.     My counselor helped me see this is merely a new chapter in my ongoing grief, though many have said I should not look at this decision as an absolute…my heart cannot help but grieve.  Sean has helped me grow in so many ways and maybe I am afraid of what may happen to me or my family if he is not  fully part of it.  

I can choose to judge myself as harshly as I chose to judge my stepfather ….

I  really want to be kinder to myself than this…and wish I had been kinder to him about those choices. 

If down this journey …it ends in Sean being with another family,  we can still be part of his world and he part of ours….but without all the tension that I know deep down is not good for a single soul …especially Sean.  We can paint a different picture of what it means to be “together” and to love each other.   To love each other enough to be able to let go and break free. 

So I have always believed that I am a stronger person because of all the rocky roads I have endured….and resilience is the name of the street I have chosen to wonder….

I believe my children are fairly resilient…but I want better for them…because maybe things didn’t have to be so hard for me…and maybe I would have become just as good a person….maybe better.  Please give me strength to help me follow through with this decision.   I sometimes feel like rebelling when everyone seems to think this is such a marvelous idea,  just to prove to them…that Sean deserves to be included and part of the family….all in the name of the really strong belief of inclusion. 

Inclusion but at what costs…..

I will have to reframe this one for myself…as I know he will always be “included and considered part of our family”  wherever he ends up…but I don’t think there needs to be any casualties.  Maybe this is a new road… We can grow closer together by being apart…The road towards closeness.     They say to be enmeshed is a prison of sorts…I am beginning to believe this.