Runaway Bride....

So elegant…with her cascading vail floating in the wind behind her like a kite flying free…a streak of white purity and innocence…before the tide of darkness has a chance to take its hold…

It’s a somber but interesting thought coming from someone who has been married over 17 years

So my newest adventure is to find a fun costume for my Halloween Haunting 10 km run on Oct 30^th in Springbank Park.  This was a challenge my creative heart embraced with vigor.   My first thought was to dress in black and paint a skeleton in glow in the dark paint,  but decided there would be many glow in the dark skeletons.  My husband suggested that I be the corpse Bride…and thought this peeked my interest…I thought better of running in full face makeup  for 10 km…not a pretty site with the amount I sweat……  So in going with the bride theme  I thought I would be a little sentimental and get out my wedding gown.   No I dare not wear this for a 10 km run….but would this even fit me 17 years later?    Dare I try this on?    I double dared myself….and  to my pleasant surprise discovered that this not only still fit me but I was now swimming in it.   So how far have I come in the past 17 years.    I have grown in leaps and bounds….both emotionally and mentally.  I am so much stronger than I ever was…and somehow felt I should fit into this much better.   But this is definitely not the way I have grown.   I am so much more confident and brave  than I could ever have imagined myself.  I was such a shy and timid girl…yes I went through a wild child phase ofcourse…who doesn’t? …deep down  I was always shy and timid.  I think part of me always felt like running….after all I had so many fears,  and was so afraid…but I never had the courage .     And running seems to be a constant theme in my life….

I used to want to work as a Street Outreach Worker with Runaway Youth.   I think part of me sort of romanticized “runaways” a little bit.   I think I admired their spirit.   My mother ran away from home when she was 15 years old to live with her Aunt,  my Great Aunt.   I think I admired this about her.  I

I used to always avoid things…like the plague and got myself in a lot of messes because of this avoidance.

I have lived the last 20 years in a relationship that really has been cyclical with tension and avoidance…and am doing everything in my personal power to change my ways that contribute to this cycle,  though it may mean that things may be more tense for a while. 

So was I surprized to have a son diagnosed with Autism?   A disability that often is looked at ...as one not really wanting to connect to this social world?   Surprized....yes...but I feel deep down I always had a sort of affinity and understanding for some of my son's desires and struggles.  My older sister once told me that she thought I may have had Autism.  (based upon some atypical behaviours re: eye contact avoidance,  not talking til I was 4 and some hand flapping- stereotypical behaviors... much of this has disappeared)    I shrug my shoulders....  I don't believe I would have ever received this diagnosis.  Yes,  I was a little socially awkward,  an eccentric,   and avoided eye contact,  enjoy my solitude....I chucked this up to being shy  and an introvert...though when doing the Myers Briggs Type Indicator twice in a span of 10 years  I moved from an Introvert....to an Extrovert....    Yes  I still like my solitude....but I so enjoy spending time with others as well.   I am definately more balanced. 

I love running….I used to love running in high school…how I ever let myself stop running….I will never know….I feel I am now addicted to running….but feel totally okay with this addiction.   I never want to break free from its hold on me.  

A friend and colleague of mine who went to University with me over 12 years ago and who coincidentally works with me @ the same agency.. pointed out how far I had come from even then.  I would speak up in class and stutter and shudder in front of my peers …..but fought to bravely present my arguments….even though it seemed so painful for everyone to watch and me to feel.    I am very proud of the woman I have become….but part of my past so wants to “shame” me and reclaim the hold on my soul.   I won’t allow it!       So….. To be thinner than I was on my wedding day…when I had lost weight  to fit into this gown back then….is such a satisfying and awakening and freeing feeling.  Though this is only symbolic...it cannot touch the true committment and heartfelt achievement this truely is.    In the past 17 years I have bravely faced many things.   I have shed over 45 lbs of shame, self hatred, sacrifice,  and pain.     I am not the same person as I was back then 17 years ago.    So as I peered at myself beyond the vail in the loose…yet still beautiful gown…with pearls and flowers in my vail cascading around my head in a crown…I thought…this doesn’t suit the new me at all…    I could be a Runaway bride….  I could live for one moment everyone’s fantasy. 

How fitting….and no…I will not wear my wedding gown….It would be too difficult and too heavy to run in…and I am way too sentimental to sweat a 10 km run and ruin my wedding dress…I will have to find something simple to wear over a white running outfit….that I can wear with my vail.  

So Verdict is…Runaway Bride it is!!

So elegant…with her cascading vail floating in the wind behind her like a kite flying free

Running towards a brighter future….