Blatant honesty.. Is it really my friend 2

Quote Rating   "If what you seek is Truth, there is one thing you must have above all else..an unremitting readiness to admit you may be wrong."  Anthony DeMelo So... I know its been so long since I've written anything here,... but I felt maybe it was time to check in to really see..  how is this dating thing working for you... lets be honest here.   In an effort to live more congruently,   I vowed I would try my best to have what I say do and think fall into similar lines...which to me means being honest... and really honest with not only myself but with others.   I think In doing so though in this dating world and realm..  it can be very scary indeed...  not only for me...  but for those I am being honest with.   Maybe I need to not give everyone too much insight into everything I am thinking and feeling... as maybe that could just be way too overwhelming for some.     There are some new inherent problems with the fast,  internet paced world of dating... that I really don't think or feel fit and have caused some issues.    I feel we so quickly,  without thinking will type,  and send an email or a note without really considering the full impact.   ..  and the time lines are never really true...  one never really knows when someone has read an email... well if they have BBM you do... but that is one of few ways.     I also feel there are so many miscommunications that happen via text and email...  so many levels that really cannot be read... unless having an actual conversation.  So in writing this...    I want to own responsibility for my part in this,  I am not saying its the internets fault at all...  it was only a tool I used,   and misused for communication.    I have also decided in all of this I really dislike the whole internet dating scene,    Plenty of Fish is one example.   For now I am going to try to stay a way for a while.   Here are some reasons.   I haven't really dated a whole lot since separating,   and before that I was married for almost 20 years.   Dating is a world I am not very familiar with,   I am a little niave to all of this.   I think it may be a good way to get to know someone,  and a good way to introduce oneself,  but it is quite superficial and I  believe it poses some inherent problems.   If you are dating,  and don't communicate up front any expectations around,  whether its to be exclusive... then ones profile may still be wide open ..  for those that want to keep their options open... this may not be a problem.   Where I believe a problem may crop up,  is if one person or another person in the dating dyad has expectations they have neglected to communicate for whatever reason.  In my personal situation,   I somehow became jealous because the person I was dating was on chatting with someone on POF.  There is a feature that lets one know if someone you have had a previous conversation with is on Chat or not.   This was extremely silly,  and a double standard because I was on POF chatting with someone else.   What my friend didn't know and wasn't communicated was my chatting was to let someone know clearly,  that though we had been writing to one another infrequently for about 2 months,  that I only wanted to be friends,  because it was all I could really handle at present.   The importance of being clearer in one's communications...   one can be honest... but make sure you are also clear.   lol.     Anyhow   I really believe  a combination of my silliness in this internet dating world,  and my quickness to just fire off an email response are really the reason that my new friend is now staying away.   Its too much information,  too quickly...  ( Such is the internet world)     I really wish I had taken my own advise about....  "Why is everyone in such a rush".   As a result,   I am now considering that maybe I really am not ready for dating...   and need to take a bit of a break...  I thought I had resolved many of my insecurities... but this realm has opened up some issues and I really feel I need to deal with them...   So I think its back to the counsellor I should go.   The other thing that has become so blatently apparent to me...  if I am being honest with myself as well.   That God really has a way to speak to one's heart loudly and clearly when the need arises.    I had been lying to myself feeling that maybe,  because I so loved spending time with this fellow,  and thought he enjoyed his time so equally with me that maybe the ends justified the means. ...   that we both I thought so wanted the same things...   it was so nice to share in this together....  so maybe it was okay to be selfish and want something...so much that I was willing to turn a blind eye to some things.    Well I ended up being faced by 2 situations at work last week in the course of 2 days that really spoke to me,   and showed me how much guilt I would feel,   if I chose to go down that path.   So much that I decided not to just go with the flow...  and sent another of those fired emails...  stating I couldn't live with that kind of guilt.   Some things are so much better said and left for a face to face or telephone conversation.   Yes,  it was how I was feeling...and I so felt I needed to express it... but it was expressed not within the context that it was meant to be or would have been natuarally... and as a result so many misinterpretations could have happened.   As you can tell... I think way too much for my own good sometimes.    I need to give other people the respect they deserve ,  the time they need in relationships ...  to Let go... and just be and enjoy.    So there were two other people that though I told them I only wanted to be friends for now,  continue to write me on POF.  Though I have hidden my profile,  because they favorited me,  they still can find my profile and message me.  I continue to get messages... but atleast they are few and far between and they understand and know that besides a friendly hello...  I really can't go there right now.   I will enjoy this time ... with my children this summer,   I have so much to do around my new home,  I have vacation time coming up ... so I plan to go camping with friends....  I have a very busy life.   While I do so want to share this passionate life with someone,   and at times I do feel lonely,   I really do enjoy spending time with myself,  being good to me... sometimes I lose sight of this in my silliness.    I also really enjoy spending time at home with the people I love,  but when my children aren't at my home,   it does feel pretty empty...so I tend to fill my schedule pretty quickly ....  I am going to make a concerted effort to spend more time to enjoy my new home and me in it : ) .   My friends told me to be very careful not to shut myself off too love...   I am not really doing that...   I'm just giving my heart the time it needs right now to readjust to my circumstances...   I want to be ready to embrace it and accept it  when it calls my name.... ..  So is blatent honesty  my friend...  well in the real world if the internet wasn't present I do believe honesty is the best policy.     I need to take things one step at a time though and not get ahead of myself with this.   One of my newest friends ,  any yes... they are just a friend on POF stated they thought I was the only real honest lady out there on POF,  I hope for mankinds sake... that is not the case,   this was in response to me saying I need time to heal my heart and I really can't date anyone for a bit,   I told them it would be my loss if they meet someone on here any we never do get a chance to meet,   I am not sure we can meet,  as I made it clear in the beginning long distance relationships I didn't feel could work for me given my circumstance.   Anyhow...  they insist on choosing to think it would be their loss... but I feel I made myself pretty clear .     So being honest...  yes can be my friend if I set boundaries around it....  and take it one step at a time breath deeply...  and for now just Be  and be will ofcourse to admit when I'm so wrong...  and sorry  : )))...  Reminder to self and others hearts... please listen to DeMelos wisdom.   : )))