Judgements...

I always used to think that I was such an individual….I once said that I finally found myself once I got lost…I’m not the kind of person that likes putting labels on people,  being put in a “box”  and I fight tooth and nail against judgements.   While saying this,  I believe I am challenged by my issues that I often have had over the years about “what others”  think about me,  and why do I actually care.   Like I said….I used to think I really didn’t care..but am getting to know myself a lot better.  I am more comfortable in my own skin,  and as a result a little more honest.  ….but I am pretty complex about this….I care deeply…but often do things that challenge this idea and flys in the face of it. 

So why am I conflicted around this?      I believe that as I am growing and getting stronger,  more self confident,  I am beginning to care believe it or not “more” about what others think,  but from a different place of caring.   I used to be pretty insecure about myself,  and anxious about so many things but always,  and mostly did a pretty job of concealing this.      A couple things more recently have brought this struggle to the forefront of my mind.     Let me start with the second revelation to myself about how much I care…   Today when I arrived at work my team assistant said something to me that really struck a note with me.   She and I usually joke around quite a bit,  we have a lot of fun working together as a team.    Today she chose to comment on what I was wearing,   and said “wow,  look at them CFM boots”.    I laughed this one off,  but as the day wore on this started to trouble me a little.    Though I am “caring” for myself so much better than I ever did,  and part of how this is playing out for me is in my choices of what I am wearing.  I want to look good,  and think I am looking better than I ever have in my life.   (I’m not too vain though)     While I want to look good,  and don’t even mind some thinking I may look sexy,  I am challenged about the thought of  putting this kind of message out there.   It’s a little perplexing for me.  I know I have to take my assistant with a grain of salt.   I know I chose to wear this to work today,  because I knew I wasn’t seeing any clients today and thought I’d have a bit of fun with how I was dressed.    I’m definitely not black and white on this one.   I know there is a time and place to look good.   For example  I am pretty grounded about how good,  or lack thereof one can look when they are working out,  don’t mind getting down,  dirty and sweaty or drenched in the rain for a run,  but like I said….Time and place are important.   If I’m dressed up to go out,  I want to look good,  and heaven forbid I get rained on,  and look like a drowned rat then….but don’t mind looking this way for a good work out.   

My first revelation of this conflict within me was raised by the movie The King’s Speech.   It reminded me of how my stuttering always used to get the better of me in social situations,  and how I have allowed it and my anxiety  control me over the years.   I once wanted to run for a political party.   A lofty goal for someone who shudders at the thought of speaking in public.    As I have been developing in confidence  I challenged myself with employment opportunities to give myself a taste of this.   The timing was not great for this,  as at the time my mental health was weak,   I was overwhelmed by other things happening in my life that I had very little control of.   While I was proud of the progress I had made to even have “put myself out there”.   The feelings and nervousness truly got the better of me.   And I have to ask myself Why?    I believe my anxiety is rooted in the fact that I am very self conscious of what others think about what I am saying….and how I am saying it.    The issue really is that when I was very young I had to have speech and language therapy because of a stutter.    I have done a good job to conceal this in most instances,  but it resurfaces in times where there are many eyes on me in “public appearances.   My doctor has challenged me to go on medications to overcome this.   I am still fighting this one,   and hope I will be able to overcome this one in other ways.      So The movie The Kings Speech really spoke to my heart….I was inspired by this man’s journey to overcome one of the very things I struggle with personally.   This provided me some hope that ….maybe my dream of one day running for a political party,   isn’t that hopeless.     I think at times I can be a person that seems to be made up of many contradictions.   I even keep myself on my toes at times.  

I feel good about myself,  and the better I feel,  the healthier I feel,   though part of me really does care what people think,    I acknowledge that I care more about myself than to let peoples judgements of me get me down,  or let me feel less about myself.   I certainly have learned through the years that my inhibitions and judgements of myself have only kept me from my dreams and enjoying life.    I now am able to enjoy myself when I go out dancing,  and don’t stop myself  from doing things ( eg.  Like dancing)  I am proud that I can claim to be one of few that doesn’t seem to need to “drink” to be less inhibited about dancing in public,  or doing other sometimes zany things..…because “nobody” else was willing to do them.  I don’t even mind doing things by myself at times,   in fact there are some times that I actually prefer it.   

So as I continue this journey, how will I use these reflections toward helping me become who I need to be.   Well,   one natural way of challenging my fear of public speaking would be to join toastmasters.   I am a lot easier on how I choose to judge myself.   I need to be easier on myself.   I tend to fight so strongly against judgements others make against others,  but somehow…I used to be very harsh on myself.   No more beating myself up allowed.   I know I looked good today.   I saw a few heads turn.  I guess you could say there may even be a time and a place for the CFM message to get out there….After all…there is a time and place for everything under the sun.  I may be a little bit more romantic than that…to put it that way….but I have to have fun with this a bit.  Can’t take myself too seriously….or the anxiety will have won.