Bittersweet...times of change....

Bittersweet that in order to achieve serenity and peace,  I am forced to make a decision to be apart more often from my children,  but I don’t feel it would be fair to have their father not as involved in their lives,  after all the one area I have seen some growth and improvement in for him,  has been him wanting to spend more time with his kids,  who am I to take this away from him,  or from my children for that matter.   There has been a building tension in our relationship for the last 15 years,  it blows once in a while…and then there is calmness for a while…but the tension can get so thick at times…

I think it has a lot to do with our poor communication with each other…and avoidance tendancies…

I hold myself partially responsible here…I have always “tried to address” the issue…wanted the communication to improve…but get so damn wimpy about it and wishy washy …after I address it…it may improve briefly…but then fall flat……and then ofcourse I don’t like to “nag”  so I leave it alone….until…ofcourse it builds again…   I

I have tried to change my personal responses to our patterns of relating through counseling…but found that  though I could change my outward reactions,  my inward reactions were still very bitter, tense,  resentful,  hurt…..

Its because I really believe I need emotional support,  mutual respect and open communication in my relationships…and its something that though I have tried,   has really never been present.  This was fine when I didn’t feel as good about myself I guess…but I am really struggling with it now….

My counselor suggested that maybe I need accept this is never going to change,  and if it doesn’t…can I live with this fact….  

Well…like I have mentioned before…  I really have grown in the last two years where I feel so much better about myself…all with one exception…in my relationship with my spouse.

We r now going to try it separately…

I notified Community Services Coordination Network as I felt they should be aware of this.   We have our eldest son who has Autism placed on a waiting list for placement.   I never anticipated that this decision to separate would impact his priority on the wait list,  but feel it has.   Only a week after I notified CSCN,  I was advised by the coordinator of the HomeShare program,  they may have a potential placement for our son.   I’m a little taken aback by this.   As was my son’s father,  who for the first time ever…identified that maybe he felt this was too soon for placement.   I fought this so much…and didn’t want Sean placed for the longest time…  but really strongly feel that together Rob and I always struggled with communication…and these breakdowns often posed some risks to Sean…  

I believe that Rob and I ended up staying together for a lot longer than we ever should have,  due to the fear that I had on trying it alone with a child with Severe behaviours/ Autism/ intellectual delay and three other children.   I have overcome this fear,  as things are much clearer now…and I realize I don’t think I was doing anyone any favours by trying to hold this all together.   I believe that when I am with Sean and the other kids alone,  I am much more hypervigilant…which I know isn’t the greatest…but know I can trust I won’t allow Sean out of my sight…I am not relying on anyone else watchful eye…except the support workers ofcourse…     But when it was Rob and I,   I would become lax,  and trust that while he was watching him,  I could let my guard down a little…well the problem was the lack of communication…if someone stopped watching…the torch has to be passed to someone without the assumption that its just gonna happen…and this is usually when Sean took opportunities to take off….I still believe my other 3 children suffer some negligence when I have to be so devoted to keeping a hypervigilant lookout to Sean, to ensure his safety…so I believe a placement for him is a necessary evil.  We will still have plenty of great times together as a family,  it just will be under different circumstances…and our definition of family is evolving.  

I’m not blaming anyone,  I think it’s a bad pattern he and I developed together…and its got over 20 years of habit to overcome….I am not holding my breathe on this one…   and I think I have given up hope that anything will change.  Again…I don’t think It would be overly fair to expect this kind of change of anyone…I think he can change a little…but fear I have way too many expectations,  way too many dreams…

The resentments are also about not sharing the same priorities in life in general,  the same ideas on parenting…there are so many differences…but I think the worst thing is the constant sarcasm…which I used to love…but have learned to hate…I always feel mocked and always feel not listened to, nor respected.  The lack of consistency is a problem…I fear will continue to be a problem with our new system,   but atleast we won’t be under the same roof at the same time to cause more tension with it.

The worst part of all of this is the pain I see it causing my children.   We have both told the children how much we love them,  that this isn’t really about them,  but that we really don’t see eye to eye and don’t really get along.   My 9 year old told me several weeks ago she’d noticed that her dad and I weren’t always getting along very well,  and this hurt her.  Well   this was useful information when talking to her about why we were doing this.   She seems to understand a bit about the tension,  and how we both seem calmer when we r going it alone,  believe it or not.   

I know how aweful I felt when my mom left my dad when I was 8,  the difference is the police were at my home weekly,  lived just down the street from the station,  but domestic violence is no one’s friend.  I think that is why this tension cycle that Rob and I had seemed all too familiar…and I always feared the big blow outs…no one was ever really hurt…at least physically….   Probably a lot of emotional scars. 

Even though my family life growing up was less than normal,  violence ridden… I still was angry at my parents for separating.   I don’t expect this will be easy,  but believe they will understand in the long run.   It took me a long time to believe it…but now believe it was the best thing my mother ever did for us,  and for her.