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Living congruently Part II
Just in case you didn’t check out part one, here is the link…just to give this some context
So its been a few weeks since my husband and I separated …and I thought I should check in to report progress. I am feeling really good about this decision, with the exception of being with my children less often, so I am full of intention to make the most of every opportunity that I am with my children.
How am I doing at living what I say, feel and think…. How am I doing at being honest and true to my heart…or in other words Living in the Heart. I feel that most days I am doing great in this area. I am enjoying the time I have with the children, I am enjoying some solitude, which my heart needs right now. I have done a few silly things, which I feel sort of steered me off the path a little.. due to some curiosity sparked by my single friends, but I am trying to undo the damage done, by reposting a positive profile, and making it very clear that all I am looking for at present is friendship. Curiosity killed the cat, and though it was a good eye opener for me as to what could be, I feel it is way too early to date. I really need to focus on being true to my heart, which part of needs to know I can be strong and do this on my own. I can develop friendships, and if this develops into something in the long run so be it…but my intention has to be pure, and clear.
I know that God has greater things for me and my family… I know in my heart that I could destroy this, very easily by jumping into something frivilous. I need the support of friends that understand what I am going through, that can give some emotional support, that we can share some commonalties, and some fun. That is plain and simple.
I know I made the right decision, because of the calm and peace I feel most times. The only time I am not feeling calm, is when boundaries continue to be contravened by the father of my children. I know we are way too enmeshed to ever undo this damage. I have allowed this to happen, and can’t seem to pull myself out of this bent relationship pattern. He keeps trying to expand the time he is at the house, and I keep agreeing to it out of being “ nice and civil” but then it keeps expanding. I keep thinking…well its his house too, which is true, but the reality is he and I cannot be under the same roof without one or both of us feeling some negativity or tension for some wrong doing. This negativity is toxic whether its talked about or not….the problem is it went unsaid way too long.
We agreed to spend Sundays and some families together as a family. I think we can do this for the sake of the children, but I don’t want to send out any mixed messages of hope. I agreed that since we’d already rented a cottage for part of the week in Port Franks for holidays, that we could both be there with the kids as long as its clear we are there for the kids and nothing else. I think by virtue that we sort of are still playing pretend….we are not being truly honest with ourselves or each other.
I feel that unless we make a clean break, that there will always be boundaries that will be blurred, things taken for granted. We are doing so much better communicating, things are much more evenly distributed, but we are still sort of faking it for the sake of the kids. Yes the kids know we are separated, but I think there is confusion here, because everything seems very much status quo as things did before with the exception that we usually aren’t here at the same time. The other part that really bothers me, is I have made a point of telling my friends and my family, because I feel its crucial that I have support from them going through this. He has chosen not to tell most of his friends and family because 1. He is embarrassed, and 2.) He feels they won’t understand and doesn’t want to trouble them .
This made fathers day very difficult for everyone. I want my children to learn honesty and openness and was forced to ask them not to say anything to their paternal grandparents. So I really feel this relationship has me in a fix to not live congruently….
We are still going to a counselor every couple of weeks to keep things moving forward. He still has hope we will be able to work things out, even though I feel I have been making it blatently clear that I do not like myself in this relationship, and love myself when I am not in it. Its very clear to me.
I feel the most loving thing I could do right now is make a clean break for all of us….I thought that is what I had done, but since we haven’t taken any legal action the hope I guess is still present. I really don’t trust lawyers much, and financially it is a tough road to take, if we can do everything civil that is my preference…but when there are so many forged patterns this just isn’t a good mix. I have been raising the issue that we knew there were problems two years ago, but really did nothing to work on our relationship. That was a choice, whether it was a conscious choice or not. That hurt me…any time I allowed myself to think about it. He didn’t care enough to work on it all that time, but when the threat of losing me is there, then he’s willing to give it a fair shake? But yet has the odacity to threaten me that potentially if I chose back then to bring up the very topic of separation…..then be ready for it to happen. Yah…I guess I am a little bitter. I am so ready for this all to be over. I love him as the father of my children, he makes a good dad, but a lousy friend, life partner support, confidant,….
Still a long road to go before my heart is healed Though I fully believe I am capable of being open to love again… if I am truly honest with myself and others….friendship is all I can muster…in the moment…
Want to be fully present…open to a miracle here to heal this heart. (and I am way too brilliant to believe that someone else can mend it…this is between me and God and no one else…) My mom taught me this lesson well……
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