Run killing fear...

I love running…but entirely believe I am sort of an addict….I tend to be a bit fanatical about things,  always have…and it is these tendancies that I believe scared me straight for quite a while when I was just a teenager.   People from my past bring up this crazy party that I had when I was a teen…one I unfortunately wasn’t with it enough to recall any of the finer…fun moments and specifics ….a little embarrassing…but apparently it was a great party.  This party got me pretty near kicked out of the house,  police were called,  neighbours butted in…I remember one thing…feeling I had lost control of things…. My mom’s bbgun went missing…a friend that wasn’t a drug user, got her drink spiked with acid,  I freaked out on the bitch I was sure that did it …Totally wasted days…

I would say I was heading no where fast…When my mother said I was kicked out,  I took her word for it …packed my bags and went to Sarnia.  I was too embarrassed to really ask for help of any friends,   stayed in a friends garage for the night.  

I know I had a problem back then,  I never really got into any hard drugs,  alcohol was my thing…but what scared me I was starting to drink in the mornings before school.  

A “friend” of mine…well I thought he was a friend of mine used me to transport drugs from one school to the other because I had attended 3 different high schools so knew a lot of people..mostly acquaintances…I was gullible enough to believe that I didn’t really have a problem because I never had to buy my drugs,   I earned them.   Fortunately I was never caught.     Do I think I was an addict …not really…but I believe I have really bad genes when it comes to this…and I believe if I hadn’t gone straight when I did,  that I would have been in trouble.  

When I say I have bad genes…I mean that my father was an alcoholic,  whether by osmosis of environment and experience,  or by genes,   I learned quite young the control this drug could gain over someone’s life,   I learned the heights it could take someone,  and the depths of despair it could leave one in.   My father had been a very successful businessman,  however his alcoholism and addiction to prescription drugs cost him dearly.  It cost him his family,  the love of his life,  my mother.  The things I witnessed as a young child were truly horrific. (Witnessed moreso hearing than seeing but just as horrific)   Noone should ever have to endure any of this,  but such is the tradgedy and control of addictions and the impact and causualties it costs. 

So I vowed that when I got straight I would make certain that I would never be in a relationship with anyone who was a slave to any drug. I and my partner remained “straight”  drug free for over 5 years post high school.   We gradually re introduced social drinking,  but I do mostly feel in control now.    Surprize surprise,  I ended up marrying someone who had been in rehab..we joked about it at first about him getting brainwashed at Brentwood, and was a sponsor for Narcotics Anomynous…and have lived the last 20 years in a codependent relationship riddled with tensions, avoidance… fears….we just might have well been slaves to a drug during the process…I sometimes think…it would be less painful.  He asked me about 6 months ago when we were out,  and he was with his musician buddies which clearly do drugs,  whether he could…I told him that I couldn’t and wouldn’t stop him,  however ofcourse I was not comfortable with him using when I know he used to have issue with it.   I don’t have issue with anyone using…I have issue with people who once had no control using. 

So knowing that I believe I have an “addictive” personality of sorts…and tend to get a bit fanatical about certain things,  I find it interesting that I am so hooked on running.   I have done a bit of research into running highs.  Here’s a link to an article  http://www.lehigh.edu/~dmd1/sarah.html

The feeling that I feel when running is quite incredible,  and I feel I am hooked.  

I am really not having issue with this one at all…because I feel it’s a natural high… I work damn hard to reach them peaks of pleasure and pain….and I feel so much closer to God through my running its incredible.    Can addiction be a good thing.. I believe it depends upon what you are addicted to…and how it ends up affecting one’s life..…I believe it can,  however I know I can get pretty miserable if anything stands in the way of me getting my “running fix”  which I believe is a bit of a problem.   I need to find some way to gain better control of my attitude around this.  

Considering my background,  I am quite empassioned about things that I feel can make a difference in the lives of those who are addicted.   I once thought I wanted to be an addictions counselor,  but learned enough about myself that that probably would not have been a good choice for me.   I am supportive of harm reduction programs,  believe fairly strongly that some drugs are better and safer than alcohol,  in moderation ofcourse,  and that many of the evils that exist in the drug world could be made better by some tranformations in peoples attitudes towards them,   this I believe could only happen through changes in drug laws to allow for some legalization and regulation of safer drugs.

Yes,  there will always be addictions regardless of lessening controls,  but once this prohibition is lifted,  then at least more “real control” can happen,  more acceptance of programs that can really work to make a difference in an addicts life.  

My dad lost big time,  he lost his family…many others lose much more including their lives.    My sister was estranged from my father for many years.   I however chose to remain involved in his life,  though he continued to be a slave to drugs until about a year before he died.   Quite painful to watch,  it took him getting Throat Cancer,  a tracheotomy,  and  later lung cancer for him to stop.   After he died we came across a psychology report from the psych ward at the local hospital suggesting my father in his later years suffered from “cognitive distortion”  from the effects of prolonged drug use. 

I still remember the day of my Fathers funeral,  while I had a relationship with my dad,  had forgiven him for the many sins he had committed against me and my family  (I still find it easier to blame the drugs) than the man himself… and my sister who hadn’t had a relationship with him…she chose to do a reading that really hurt like Hell…she read a passage from a poem by TS Elliot called The Hollow Man….    How dare she  I felt…she didn’t know where he was at when he died…or how humbled he was as a man,  living in poverty …and all alone…

I guess that’s how she could bare to know she had no relationship with him….if he was “Hollow”   there was nothing to lose.  

It wasn’t easy…but I understand why she did what she did. 

So….why do I care so much….because I don’t want to be a slave to the fear.   I have prayed for peace,  that God would give me the strength  to never be a slave to addiction.  When I am confronted by any addict through my work,  in my life… I am humbled…to think…wow…this could have been me.

I’ve embraced a new attitude in the last year or so that has served me well…it doesn’t however serve all my relationships very well…but it has freed my spirit…

“Do one thing everyday that SCARES  you- Elenor Roosevelt   At least I can  say I strongly believe I no longer am running from anything…on to bigger and better things.

New found freedom

My vow to myself of doing one thing each day that scares the hell out of me...has a new meaning in the last week.   I have forced myself beyond my comfort zone,  and challenged myself,  and my rationalizations about certain social rules.   I have always been one to enjoy concerts, dancing,  going to movies, etc however I often have found it difficult to find friends that are available to do these things,  when I can do them.  Having 4 children,  two with disabilities has meant scheduling my social time around my families needs.   When we were given more respite hours for my eldest son,  I have made certain to claim some of this time as my own so that I can get out and get these personal needs met.   This has contributed to the new found freedom which I have embraced wholeheartedly.   I know that I have the need to get out socially and enjoy myself so that I have restored energy to be able to cope better with some of the tough things I must face in my life.    My workouts are only a small part of this.   I used to be so afraid to do things alone,  and would not do things unless I could find someone to go with me.  This included working out.   I now really enjoy the times I go to the gym on my own to work out.   I likewise have avoided many opportunities for concerts I would have killed to go to,  for the sake of ( because I tend to like obscure music not many have heard of)  just because I could not find someone to join me.   I almost did the same a week ago,  when a good friend of mine said she could no longer make it to a Bedouin Soundclash concert. 
I was disappointed,  and initially thought this meant I would not be going.   I decided to challenge this idea....as I so wanted to go...and thought to myself.  Why is it that I would not go when I knew I would enjoy this so much.   I love being able to share the enjoyment with others,   but when all is said and done...there would be others there to share the enjoyment with....just not others I know yet.   Its often hard for me to meet new people.   My fear here is to do with the awkwardness I sometimes feel in new situations. 
So I went and enjoyed the concert thoroughly,  I danced to the music....and felt great and grateful I had given this gift to myself.   I gave myself permission to no longer be afraid of being alone in these kind of situations.
I have also been able to get out with friends more frequently to do something I enjoy thoroughly, dancing. 
Some of my friends have said they no longer enjoy the bar scene at all,  because its either all about "drinking" or all about "the meat market".   I don't see it like this at all.   With my new found confidence in myself,  my reclaiming of my body as my own,  and healthy attitude and lifestyle...a bonus in all of this is that I am actually "noticed" alot more when I do go out.   While this is flattering,  I take it all with a healthy grain of salt, and a sense of humour.  When I was out the other nite at one such bar someone used a very "funny" pick up line....they said that my eye glasses were "sexy".  I said thank you...and laughed this off...because I thought it was the funniest pick up line I had ever heard.   I know there was alot more that was sexy about me that night...other than my eye glasses.  I make it pretty clear when I am out  that I am there to have fun with friends...and dancing.  I can enjoy the idea that someone else may find me attractive, its not like I am going to do anything with this information except pad my ego a little.      Its all good.   There may be a little bit of "trouble in paradise"  but I am not the kind of person to do anything foolish. So why is it that some of my friends no longer enjoy the night scene.   I believe its all in how you look at it,  and what your purpose is in going out.   I'm not looking for anything at all out of it except for having a good time and dancing.   I have never been one that has needed to get drunk to have a good time,  so I can take or leave the alcohol part of the night.  I think when people are seeking to find someone or something so badly,  the night scene may be a pretty brutal place to be.   I also at times wish there were "dry" nightclubs...but I do feel that this is unrealistic...because many of my friends seem to have the need to have a few drinks to feel "loose" or relaxed enough to dance in public.   I intend to continue to enjoy my "alone" times out,  and times out with old and new friends.  I may still have to challenge the inclings of fear that tug at me initially....but won't succumb to this...because when all is said and done...I know I will have a great time.   I hope my friends can find some joy in going out...maybe even just the simple pleasure of spending time with another friend.  Its all in how you look at it.